Merry??? Christmas

So I feel obligated to say "Merry Christmas!" yet to be honest I am not exactly feeling "merry" this morning.

You see, after sniffling and dealing with drainage for a couple of weeks, today I woke up will the full blown "shoot me now" cold.  It is Christmas day and I am sick.  I have never done well with being sick on Christmas, my birthday or any holiday for that matter.  In my world, it just should not be.  So that is the foundation for my less than merry mood.  Want more????

So Mom got the cold the day before.  So that one "stable, holds it all together for this family" person is not functioning 100%.  She missed the Christmas Eve service and dinner at my house. The traditional Christmas Eve dinner at my house was reduced to Peter in one room and me in another eating our dinner.  

Because of Flu and other illnesses Larry's nursing home has been on "lock down" for almost a week. He is not able to come home today for Christmas. Because mom and I are both sick, neither one of us is going to be able to go in (hands washed and masked, as I did last night) to see him.  He will spend today at the Nursing Home in the ordinary way without visitors (and he is used to a daily visit from family.)

Need more....

Peter has continued to act as if I am his maid and personal attendant.  The Batman PJ bottoms I gave him last night were completely rejected.  And honestly I am anticipating more of the same today with the gifts I have bought him.  And when tomorrow comes no doubt there will be request for more. Ever read "If you give a mouse a cookie"???  Yeah that is Peter.  And I can't help but think Peter acts as he does because I allow it.  And well that just makes me mad at me.

Did I mention that the cream curdled twice when trying to make my tomato soup for Christmas Eve. So I made chili.

So I can't honestly greet you with Merry Christmas today because it would be a lie.  However I can greet you with "Hopeful Christmas," because today isn't really about being "merry".  It isn't really about the family smiling around the tree. Today is about hope.  We recognize today that God kept his promise to his people from way back in Genesis.  He promised a savior and he sent him.  He sent his son Jesus to do what we could not do for ourselves.  Not only that but he  will continue to do for us what we can not to for ourselves.  And we will celebrate with him one day in all His glory and splendor without sickness and sin to mar it.

Christmas marks hope fulfilled.  It gives reason to continue to hope.

So whether your Christmas is Merry and Bright today or not, I pray that it will not be without HOPE.

Wanting - part 2

The "want list" I made has been helpful for me because I am seeing how God has answered some things very specifically. I think it is unfair to not let you know how God has answered "the want list" in some pretty amazing ways.  I know many of you have been praying and I am grateful.

As stated in earlier post, just as Mom asked God, the first person to look at the house, put a contract on it. The inspections on both places have gone well so plans continue to move forward.  The closings are scheduled for June 2nd with hopes of having all moved out and in by the end of that week.

I have asked for help and support of my folks in their move.  This weekend a friend of my dad's came from 7 hours away with his wife to help my parents.  This is a man whom my dad worked with years ago and told me that he and my dad just hit it off and he has a special place for my dad. He helped dad clean out his attic and under the house as well as the utility room.  He took home some of dads bigger tools.  And I think dad is a bit like me, it is nice to give your treasures away to friends.  Dean and Kay's help was such an answer to my request and Kay told me it was a good thing for Dean as well.

Larry does not yet know about my parents move.  However something said this week and his response gave mom the impression that he is happy where he is and not anxious to go home. He really does seem content. That makes leaving him at the end of a visit so much easier.  

I was notified this week that we have been granted the same financial assistance from Peter's school that we received last year.  This is good news as the possible options were to receive same or less!  More is needed to completely pay for the coming school year but this provision from the school is huge.  I am very grateful for the school's generosity and God's provision.

I had been struggling with job and lifestyle related decisions.  Through the Perspectives class I have been taking this Spring, God used some things I had been learning and processing to guide my thinking.  I am grateful for this as I have made some decisions that were not necessarily "easy" or "safe" yet fit with my desire to live "intentionally." 

Thank you for praying and now sharing in the joy!  We appreciate your prayers if you are so led as we continue to watch God answer from the "want list."

Wanting

Do you ever get confused about your wants?  And I am thinking beyond simply knowing what it is that you want. I am realizing that my understanding of wants and especially how it fits into the life of a follower of Jesus can get pretty tangled.  I think there are the sounds of a variety of voices that include the following.  "If I want it, it probably isn't  a good idea."  If I want it, I probably won't get it." If I want it and I get it, I am not really sacrificing all for Jesus." "If I got what I wanted last time, I won't get it this time." "Don't say what you want, take what you get."  "What you want is so much more than what others have so its wrong to want it." "Its better to not want than risk being disappointed." "If you say what you want, someone might give it to you and then you are indebted to them." And we can't leave out the voice that yells out "I NEVER get what I want!" 

I have been discovering and sorting through some of this thinking recently.  How do my wants fit in with my trusting in Jesus for everything?  The truth is sometimes He answers our prayers as we want and sometimes He doesn't.  And the chorus of voices can create conflict in my mind about how I relate to Jesus when he doesn't answer my prayers as well as when he does. It also keeps me from bringing my wants before him. Recently a friend and I were talking about being okay in wanting God to do something then also being okay with what he does whether it is in line with what I wanted or not.  Sounds simple I know. I would like to think that I am free with God - letting my request be known and trusting him however he answers. Yet recognizing the "voices" in my head helps me realize that I have some twisted thinking that hinder this freedom.  

In response to this I have decided to share some of my "wants" or prayers, however you want to phrase it. I am often hesitant to publish a pubic list.  I think it is part of my twisted thinking which includes, " It is okay to make your personal prayer needs known in mass if you are a missionary but not if you are a preschool teacher in the US."  I know it doesn't really make sense.  There is a lot happening in my family right now. I thought if I listed my wants it might help me feel a little more organized about it.  And maybe there are things on this list that God would prompt you to also pray regarding.  

• Larry's stay in Rehab is becoming a stay in the Nursing Home with an indefinite end.  We want an easy switch over of the insurance coverage without complications.  I want him to have regular visitors. I want him to receive good care as well as have positive relationships with people at the Nursing Home. 
• My parents found a Condo that would allow them to downsize. It would also put them less than five minutes from Larry as well as me and their doctors!  We want their house which has just gone on the market to sell ASAP so that they can buy and move into the Condo quickly. Timing is pretty critical if this Condo is "the one."  The downsizing and move will be a large task.  I want to see them have support and help in this process as well as sustained health. 
• I want Peter to graduate from RMA in 2017.  I want the money for this coming school year so that he can attend as a boarding student. I want Peter to have good friendships and role models.
• There are other wants that I am not sure yet how to express so I will leave it at this for now.  

Whats Worse than . .

being a kid who is sick on her birthday?  Being an adult who is sick on her Spring Break!

When I was a pre-teen (I remember it is the year I got my first Shawn Cassidy album) I was sick for a whole week with some cold-flu thingy.  I don't know what I was sick with just that I was sick on my birthday.  My birthday party was postponed and I cried all day on my birthday. In my way of thinking, it was just not right that one should be sick on her birthday!  My family teases me about my crying because I was sick on my birthday.  I have learned that life doesn't always turn out like we think it should. However I confess  that I still think that some things shouldn't have to be imposed upon by a cold, flu, or virus. Therefore I am just a bit annoyed that on the second day of Spring Break I got sick.  

I have spent the past two days sleeping. Actually the first day was pretty fun.  I liked the freedom to lay in bed without feeling any guilt. But today when I didn't feel better, I started to get irritated because I have "a list".  There is this massive list of all the things I am going to do during Spring Break and it is hard to do those things when your feet keep taking you back to your bed. When I was still feeling yucky this evening, the panic really set in.  I have tickets for Peter and I to take friends to an Atlanta Braves game tomorrow night.  I haven't cried yet about being sick on Spring Break but if I have to miss out on tomorrow, I probably will. Okay so what's the good news in all of this?  I haven't been out shopping and spending money. I finished the financial aid application for Peter's school that I had been putting off. And I haven't had to use my sick leave!

Avalanche

Last week I was telling a friend about the recent family events as well as other challenges that I am currently dealing with.  She sighed and said "Wow, you have had an avalanche." That was such a helpful comment.  It has given me a visual of what I am currently feeling. And visuals help me process.  

I felt like I was overacting by some of the emotions I was experiencing and the paralysis to be able to take action.  However when I see it as an avalanche, it makes sense.  I have never been buried under physical rubble before but from what I have heard, it really is hard to move when one is buried under debris.  It can be hard to breath.  And usually one can not get themselves out from under it by one's self.  

The other day I wrote out a list of all the debris that I felt like I was burred under and laid it before God.  I told him I couldn't get out and I needed him to do something.  As the day went on, I experienced the removal of some of the burden.  But mostly I experienced a sense of peace as I continued to lay underneath it all. Today I woke up and I realized I was still buried under the rubble.  Breathing was hard again and the magnitude of what I feel like I need to do get out from under was again very heavy.  So first of all I was kind of mad.  Had I not asked for help?  

I saw a movie once about men buried under the World Trade Center rubble.  They were there a long time and the process of being uncovered was not quick.  Once they were discovered there was still a process of waiting as pieces were carefully removed and they were dug out.  What they had though was hope.  Hope that came from knowing that they were not alone and there were people working on their behalf. 

I know that I am not alone.  I know that though I feel either helpless or paralysis in dealing with some of my concerns, God sees and is at work.  So what is my responsibility?  I am not totally sure.  I guess resting in trust of God would be a place to start.  Perhaps I am to daily let him know what is weighing me down and give him the responsibility of getting me out. Yet also I could ask him what I am to do today.  Maybe I am to take those small steps without beating myself up that I did not burst through the rubble and rise to the top all at one go.  I am pretty sure that I need to trust God's love for me and continually watch to see what he is doing in the midst of it. I know in my head that he is using the "avalanche" for my good.  I'd like to focus on seeing that.  I am a doer by nature.  Being unable to get myself out is not comfortable.  But once again perhaps that is exactly where I need to be. I have a tendency to forget that grace is the foundation of my relationship with Jesus and his Father. In all my activity and "good deeds" deep down I get that idea that somehow it is the result of "me."  Nothing like an "avalanche" to remind one of her total dependency upon Jesus for everything that is truly good.

Changing my perceptions

Perception determines our feelings which leads to our actions.

Recently this idea was presented to me.  We feel based on how we perceive something. Then we tend to act or react based on how we feel.  I have been pondering this ever since.  I have been writing down perceptions or "truths" that I have adopted.  Even as I write them, I know many are false but none the less they are perceptions that I function by.  I am beginning to see the feelings that they result in and the actions that I take in an effort to control feelings based on whether I like them or not.  I have been challenged to and trust that I will continue to look at my perceptions in light of truth.

One of the perceptions that I have (and know is false) is the idea that "Life should be fair. Burdens/grief/difficulties should be distributed proportionally."  Like I said, I learned at an early age that "Life is not fair," but it doesn't mean that I still don't think it should be.  If I am experiencing a heavy load, I tend to feel cheated.  If it is another person, I feel guilt and grief.  And because of other perceptions I have, this often leads me to feel I need to do something about it.  I know it is kind of twisted.  I know it is not truth, but none the less it is how I have been functioning for a long time.  

This particular thought has been in the forefront recently. Peter has experienced more suffering and difficulties than it seems that one kid should have.  And now he has been removed from his school that is familiar and put in a new unknown and very different environment.  In my perception, it does not seem fair.  Please do not hear me wrong.  I know without doubt that Peter is where he needs to be.  None the less because of my "fairness" issues, I tend to feel great grief and at times guilt for what he is experiencing.  I am not saying this is right, just saying that it is what I feel.  My brother who has suffered much physically in his life seems to also have had more than his fair share of difficulties.  He has just about regained his independence following his broken hip in April.  However this Tuesday he will undergo major surgery due to a new medical condition that has been discovered. How this effects my parents, also does not seem fair. This conflicts with my false perception that life should be fair.  What  often tends to surface is a mix of  frustrating emotions and actions

I look at my own situation and confess that it does not fit my perception of challenges being distributed evenly.  Currently I am adjusting to the empty nest, concerned for my family regarding  Larry's upcoming surgery and recovery, and facing job challenges and changes with both my preschool job and my second job. I also need to make some decisions about schooling in order to keep my certification to teach preschool.  It is not necessarily "bad stuff" but it is a lot of changes happening at once.  I find based on my perception, that I can feel resentful that I am dealing with challenges in so many areas of life.  

So what is the truth.  The truth is that there is nothing in the bible about life being fair. Really there is absolutely nothing fair about Christ who was without sin dying on the cross for my sin.  There is a lot of scripture that supports the idea that God is faithful and he will carry us when we are weak.  Scripture also speaks the truth that suffering is something that God uses to do his mighty work. (Hebrews 2:10) God works things that I consider to not be fair for the good of those who chose to trust him. (Romans  8:28)  My desire is to take this head knowledge and make it the truth by which I truly believe and perceive the world around me. 

What takes more faith?

Faith is a funny thing.  What can require faith for one person may be just the opposite for another.  It is very personal.  And often it looks as if it takes faith to go either direction when a choice presents itself.  So which one requires more faith?

I have been asking God for the means to send Peter to Riverside Military School.  I have decided to believe he will and presently act as if it is so.  I have told God I am open to how he wants to do it - gifts, scholarship, sweepstakes winnings, or even a new job.  I have made the need known, entered sweepstakes and kept my ears open to job opportunities. I recently learned of a job opening.  A new career  in a totally unrelated field. There were so many perks that provided "security" that I thought this just might be God's answer.  I would go back and forth though as I considered if I could really do the work and adjust to a new schedule. I kept trying to look at 'applying for the job' or 'letting it pass' in terms of "acting in faith."  On the surface it looked like it would take more faith to pursue a job I felt extremely challenged by.  But I realized that perhaps it took just as much faith to pass it by trusting that God would provide in another way.  

I think truthfully that for pride's sake, I want to be the one that works to earn this education for Peter. It is hard to accept help from others.  It hurts my pride.  Deep down there is the part of me that feels like I have to be the one to make the sacrifice for this.  I feel responsible and believe that somehow I am going to have to "do something" maybe even "suffer and sacrifice" to make this happen. So in the end I realized it takes more faith to pass this job by than to pursue it. I was pursuing it out of fear.  Fear that this must be God's provision and if I didn't chase after it, I would miss it.  This job was not simply a challenge, it was totally out of my gifting and interest. I realized that it was just not a good fit for me or the employer therefore I chose not to pursue it.  

It's not the first time I have been in this place of "faith is waiting."  I do believe that God who started this journey will provide what is needed.  I still can't figure out the "how in the world!" This isn't the first time I have been in this place though. There have been other times when I have tried to figure out how I could make something happen when God (without my help) did more than I could have ever imagined.

Looking for Peace

So I am not sure exactly what to write today.  I can't come up with any real clever package. After I learned that even with the Military school's discount, I needed to find between 14 and 18 thousand dollars for Peter to be able to attend this year, I kind of shut down.  I didn't want to think about it or talk about it. Then I rallied. I started applying the ideas friends have presented.  I called the school again and was assured that my coming to meet in person won't increase how much I can be given in aide.  So I try to think of different employment that would double my income yet is legal. I think of researching scholarship options and get exhausted just anticipating it.  I keep trying to "figure" it out and can't.  I have also tried to accept that this is the end of the road.  But truth is every time I do, I encounter someone attending or working at the school.   I am not convinced that merely investigating the school is as far as God plans to take us.  Tomorrow there is an open house at the school.  I signed up to go and take Peter.  However I have conflict with that.  I don't anticipate him wanting him to go without a fight.  And I don't really want to take him if I don't know that I can follow through with him actually being able to attend in the fall.  I will be down right honest, I am scared. I am scared that at the open house I will just burst into tears for all or no reasons.  I am scared  for Peter to attend the school next year, yet I am scared for him if he doesn't go there. And I am scared that somehow I am not doing "something" that I am suppose to, whatever that something is.  I think it is safe to say that currently I am looking for some kind of direction from God. I am looking for a plan. But most of all I am looking for peace.

When the path appears to end

About a year ago I became so frustrated with parenting Peter that I began looking at boarding school options.  After a fair amount of research and a few counseling sessions, I stopped looking and decided to just "hang on for the ride." However this winter,  Riverside Military Academy (located just two miles from my house) kept being placed before me in conversations.  Several times someone asked me if I had considered it for Peter.  My general response was that I didn't have that kind of money ($30,000 a year for boarding students or $18,000 for a day student.) And the response I would receive was that I shouldn't let that stop me.  Around that time, I also came across two sets of parents who sent their sons to the school and were glad that they had. There came a point in which I sensed that God was leading me to look at this school as an option for Peter. So with my bible study group praying each step of the way for me to take the needed action, I began the journey.  I started by working up the nerve to make the call to the school to see if it was absolutely absurd for someone of my income to apply.  The response I received was that  it didn't hurt to apply for admission, then if accepted I could apply for financial aide.  I filled out the application this spring and was surprised when Peter was accepted without an interview.  Next I proceeded by filling out the lengthy form for financial aid.   Yesterday I was told that Peter has been awarded  approximately half tuition. It is substantial, none the less I do not have the needed remaining money. After taking step after step as it unfolds, I have come to a place where I don't see a next step.  It is one thing to say  "if this is what God intends, he will make it happen," then go do something towards the goal.  It is another thing to say it and not see anything that you can do.  So I guess now I just wait. I figure I am either waiting for a miracle or waiting for peace to come that this is far as this journey goes.

Why?

I ran a 5K yesterday.  It was an out and back, up and down some crazy hills.  My time was slower than I have been recently clocking but considering the hills, I was pleased. And to my surprise I came home with a Silver medal in my age division.  Turning 45 has its perks in the running world because I am now in the 45-49 age bracket and yesterday was my third medal this spring.  It also pays to find races that have few runners. In April I brought home my first medal when I placed 3rd out of 3 people in my age division.  It was a real surprise when a few weeks later I received third place and there was actually more than 3 people in my age division. I was actually third yesterday but the person who took first was so fast that she  took first place Master, bumping me up to 2nd.   It is all kind of fun but here is what I keep wondering . . . .

• Why do I feel the need to emphasize that when I got my first third place medal, there was only 3 people in my age division?
• Why do I feel the need to emphasize that when I got the second medal, the race was full of people simply supporting the cause thus the competition wasn't fierce?
• Why do I need to tell you that I really didn't take second place but third yesterday?
• Why do I need to tell you that these are small races thus getting a medal doesn't mean that much?
• Why do I always feel like it isn't that big of a deal because I am not really fast in comparison to many? In fact looking at yesterdays stats, I was number 58 out of 107 participants. Yesterday I averaged a 11.29 minute mile.  (My fastest is 11 minute mile.) Why do I need to tell you that?  Why do I want to tell you that one guy was walking with a cane so my being faster than him doesn't really count?
• Why do I feel like somehow I didn't really earn the medals and it is no big deal?
• Why do I struggle to celebrate my accomplishments?

I don't know exactly.  I do know that this same thing happens in other areas of my life. And I am not exactly sure how to change it but I guess recognition is the first step.

So yeah me -I got up at 5:30 on a Saturday morning so I could run a 5K (3.2 miles).  I got a bright yellow T-shirt to prove it.  And I got a silver medal too!!!!  I will choose to believe the following quotes and try - really try to stop making disclaimers about my victories, whatever they may be!

"Whether it is a 7 minute mile or a 14 minute mile, it is still a mile."

"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch."

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's day.  A number of folks have sent text or greeted me with "Happy Mother's Day."  I appreciate the sentiment but I need to be honest.  "Happy" is typically not how I feel on Mother's Day.  I blame it on marketing and media who promote the day.   Mother's day is promoted by pictures of adoring children with their mothers, husbands helping children surprise Mom, as well as elaborate gifts of flowers or jewelry being given from grown children to their mothers.  The images that marketing companies use to promote the day are filled with smiles, bright colors, and peace.  I find this contradictory to my own experience.  On Mother's day, I tend to simply cry and feel sad.

My very first mother's day with  Peter, just a a few months after bringing him home to live with me was a nightmare.  There was lots of kicking and screaming and tears.  And pretty much since then, Mother's day has been filled with his acts of rejection.  In addition, there is no dad telling him "be nice to your mother, it's mother's day."  And as for my own mother, my little token gifts seem so insignificant and create feelings of failure at being unable to really show her my appreciation.  Then I think about others as well.  I see mother's who are watching their children suffer for various reasons.  I have friends who so desire to be mothers yet are not.  My friend recently lost her husband and is "celebrating" her first single mother's day.   Every time someone says, Happy Mother's day, I think, "really??"

Okay, so before you start preparing your lecture for me, let me say I am not against Mother's day.  I am so grateful that there is a day that holds me accountable to make sure that my mom knows that I love and appreciate her.  I also really am grateful for people who acknowledge my role as a mother.  It's the "happy" that I have problems with. Being a mother has little to do with being happy.  In my experience, it is painful, sacrificial, intense, consuming and exhausting.  And that often overflows even into the day set aside to celebrate motherhood.  When someone says "happy mother's day," images from the media flash in my head, and my experience just comes up so short.  Then I feel cheated. Sometimes I cry. 

So in case you are thinking this as well, I am not against motherhood either  Motherhood is an extreme honor.  I often thank God for the privilege because it gives me a glimpse of his heart for his children.  For me specifically, being a mother was a calling.  I believed God asked me to be Peter's mother.  I chose to be his mother when he was four years old and motherless.  Daily I experience the frailty of my ability to do the job. Therefore daily I am reminded of my dependence upon God for the role.  And with that I can know joy.  In the midst of the job of mothering, there are times of mommy bliss.  In my personal story they are jewels treasured for their rarity. 

I have come to the end of my rambling and not sure I have a great conclusion.  Now I just have the fear that no one will ever say "Happy Mother's Day" to me again.  Surely that's not what I want.  Maybe we could just start a new trend.  Instead of Happy Mother's Day, maybe we could say something like," Joyous Mother's Day." or "Go Mom Go," or " "Congratulations, you made it through another year without beating your kid."  Or maybe simply "Thank you."

So to all you moms on this day I say, "Thank you for what you do."

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman has misplaced her gold belt and arm bands. She is just not feeling much like a super hero at the moment.  Therefore this past week's blog is late and now very brief. Yep, that pretty much sums it up. She is hopeful that they will be found soon.

"Little" Sinner

I participate in a weekly women's bible study. We are currently going through a study on parables. This week it is my turn to lead the lesson on the parable of the two debtors from Luke 7:36-50.  In Jesus's application of the parable to the Pharisees and the sinful women, Jesus says, "I tell you her many sins have been forgiven - for she loved much.  But he who has been forgiven little loves little."  As I read it in context with the parable told in verse 41-42, it almost appears to say that the bigger sinner can love more than the lesser sinner.  In my pride I was afraid that my little or lesser sins (as I so defined it : ) made me less able to love Jesus.  Then I recalled the truth that there is no big or little sin.  Sin is sin.   Sinners are sinners.  Romans 3:10-12, 23 reminds us of this truth. "There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless, there is no one who does good, not even one." "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  Perhaps the parable really has to do with the size of our awareness of our sin. The Pharisees's sins were just as great as the "sinful woman" but they just didn't know it.  It is easy to deceive ourselves into thinking that our sin is lesser than someone else for instance say our children.  I have been frustrated with Peter's lack of gratitude.  As I was stewing over it this evening, I saw my own lack of gratitude towards God.  I thank God for the awareness of my sin.  I do believe that as my awareness of my sin and his grace towards me increases, so does my ability to love Him as well as to love my child.

This Week's Covering

I have realized that I tend to live under the belief that if I am not actively doing something, nothing is getting done.  Last weekend, I begged God to show me whatever it was he was trying to show me through the challenges and revelations of the previous week. Since that time in addition to my work and home responsibilities, I spent 14 hours watching a detective show on Netflix, 9 hours reading two silly inspirational romances, and a lot of time consuming chocolate and other sweets.   Not exactly what I define as "actively seeking to know what God is trying to show me."  However as I appeared to be spiritually inactive, God was very active.  In  all those activities God showed me that I was running away and searching all at the same time.  This morning feeling rather defeated,  I crawled humbly to God hoping for "something". In his faithfulness he answered.

One of the scripture references in my morning devotion was Isaiah 30:15 "In repentance and rest in your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength."  This verse prompted a very long journal entry in which I repented my sins and poured out all kinds of thoughts.  God brought to my mind events and resulting thoughts that have shaped behaviors. I also claimed the promises of salvation and wrote out areas in which I was choosing to trust God's word.  Following that I opened the other journal.  This is a little book that I began last year.  I am a fan of Sarah Young's devotional, Jesus Calling and use it as a devotional prompt most mornings. I am often amazed at how personally it speaks to me. However I had a thought last year though  that I didn't want to simply hear from God through his words to another, I wanted to hear from him myself.  I am a bit self centered that way!  So I have this little book that I often pull out when I sense that God is directly speaking to me.  In response to reading and responding with writing in my journal to Isaiah 30:15, this is what I heard.

Acknowledge your sin, your feelings, your twisted thinking and skewed beliefs to me.  Rest, knowing that I have forgiven your sins.  Rest, knowing that I am pleased with you and do not condemn you. Rest, believing that I am working to purify your sins and to heal your brokenness   Rest, believing that that I love you.  Take time to still your mind.  Do not let the voices of failure and abandonment yell at you.  Come away from the noise and trust my truth. Trust that I love you. Trust that I am your defender and your protector.  Trust that I am at work even when you are not doing anything. Trust me to meet your needs. Trust me to fill the empty places.  And in that trust will be your strength to keep going, to  resist temptation and to believe when you cannot see.

Shearing

As I am just hours away from my self imposed deadline for one post a week, I am debating as what to write.  I have thought of a few "fluff" pieces that would be somewhat quick and painless.  I thought I could tell about having the First Lady of Georgia, Sandra Deal visit my preschool classroom this week to read my kids a story.  I've considered writing about my bowling escapades.  I even thought I could find a picture to post and call it done.  But I have decided that there will be no fluff pieces this week.  I am going to "shear the sheep" and present it like it is.

This week during a counseling session, my counselor gently "called me on the carpet" about a reoccurring response that appears in our sessions.  After spending some time exploring the root of that response, I left the session pleading with God to help me understand what was going on. I was really hoping for a letter of clear explanation and 5 "how to fix it" steps or possibly a miracle that would make it all disappear.  However instead there have been difficult situations, more questions, and some scattered thoughts that don't yet totally connect. Then today, I had another opportunity for someone to gently point out reoccurring relational behaviors that indicate something deeper is going on.  At one point today, I was pretty discouraged.  I was feeling emotionally sheared and a bit "laid bare".  I felt myself wanting to go into hiding.  However somewhat timidly, I poked my head back out and begged God not to stop. I want to know what he is trying to teach me. Ultimately I want to glorify God through this.  Yet I am trusting that as the Good Shepherd, God will not only use this for my good and His glory but that he will cover me through the process as well.