It's me again

Okay so I blog the way I do many things, with considerable inconsistency.  Well at least I am consistent about that! As some folks would tell you (or you personally know) sometimes I am not heard from unless I need something.  It is not one of the traits I am the most proud of but at least I admit it. Today I need some things, so here I am.

We need prayer. So speaking of inconsistency; Dad's memory, mood and energy level continues to swing.  It appears to be less related to the medicine than we thought.  Mom said he was more like his old self this week regarding doing task and projects and his humor seemed good.  Last night however I observed some significant memory recall problems. And this morning he didn't want to get out of bed because  he was depressed.  That seems linked to the fact that I had questioned the wisdom of a 10 hour driving trip that he has planned with my mom. (I offered to take him at a different time but that does not over ride the offense of implying he can't or shouldn't do what he has always been able to do.)  So I am asking for prayer for my dad, mom and myself.  Dad's safety is a concern as well as just the emotional side of aging that strongly effects him.  Mom deals with  him and the variances in his mood and memory daily.  I have volunteered to contact his doctor about our concerns regarding his memory. I also want to treat my dad with dignity. However I tend to get frustrated with his stubbornness and unknowingly offend with my responses.

We need memories.  Larry is turning 50 years old at the end of the month.  Mom and I are trying to plan some special events to commemorate it.  Knowing how much Larry loves to recall favorite memories, we are creating a "50 memories for Larry" book.  (And yes we borrowed this idea, it is not an original to us.)   We are asking for friends and family to send Mom or I (via e-mail or snail mail) memories of Larry.  We will compile a book with the memories.  Pictures are an added bonus if you have any to include.  Our target date is to have memories collected two weeks from now, September 22nd so we can get the book together by his birthday on September 29th.  I know it will be fun for Larry to hear from a variety of people from a variety of times in his life. 

I need children's NIV bibles.  I have some Ugandan friends who are wanting 3 NIV children's bibles for their children. They mentioned the New Adventure Bible: the NIV bible for kids. However I do not think they are limited to that.  Any extra childrens NIV bibles I can find I will send as I am sure they will know of others who would like to have them.  Books like that are not easy to find in Uganda and are expensive when found. Before I purchased any, I thought I would ask if anybody had a good condition NIV children's bible collecting dust on a shelf that they would like to donate.  If so, please let me know as I hope to send them to them next month

Now I just need a few minutes to gloat.  Today I ran 9 miles.  Yep, I who was always picked last on teams and failed jump roping in the 9th grade, am 9 miles into the target of 13.1  I am running a Half Marathon down at the beach October 11th.  I have been training for a couple of months. Each weekend I add a mile to my "long run."  Every run, I question my sanity. Then I reach my goal and wonder what I was whining about.  I realize that today was like running 3 - 5K races in a row.  Not too shabby for a non athlete.  I am not fast but as the saying goes "I am faster than the person on the couch."  The other evening I was running and startled when a lady came running up beside me.  As I was recovering and she was apologizing we began chatting.  I ended up running 3 miles with her.  She is 20 years my junior and an athlete.  Keeping up with her was pushing me.  Fortunately she was chatty and I was just spurting out stuff like " great" pant pant pant "wow" breath breath breath "really" huff huff huff.  At one point when I said I was going to have to quit she offered to slow down a bit so we could keep running together.  Lets just say her definition of slow down and mine were not the same.  Needless to say I finished my 4 miles faster than ever and I was too distracted by the conversation to realize how hard I was working. Haley seemed happy to have someone to run with and  I was excited to be "pushed beyond my comfort zone.  I had a better run today just knowing I could run a little harder than I thought I could.  

So that is pretty much what a I needed.  I will add that Peter is back at Military School.  He has been home this weekend.  He has not been a happy camper so fortunately for me, I get to take him back in an hour : )  This school year is wild and crazy.  My fabulous co worker of the past four years took a job at another preschool the week before we started back.  Shelley was my left brain and right arm. She made me look good. Add to her absence the fact that I have a full class of sweet but "busy busy busy" kiddos, school has a bit of a crazy feel to it. 

Well that is it for now, you know until  I need something else!

In case you have been wondering

It has been a few weeks so just just in case you have been wondering, here is a little update:

How was the Beach with 2 teenage boys?

 It was suprisingly easy and enjoyable.  I was really glad we took Abe as he pushed Peter to get out of the hotel room and is more chatty with me than Peter.  They had a good time and I had a good bit of down time.  Only regret was that we had to come home too soon! This picture was on the last evening. After late night TV and two days at the water park, we had to nudge Peter to keep him awake.

How is Larry?

My thoughts are that he is doing well.  He seems to be content in his new home.  We revisited the outdoor table for a Father's Day Chicken Dinner.  Between Mom, Dad and I, we try to visit at least once a day.  He has some really good care givers for which we are grateful.  There are still some unresolved financial issues.  Prayers that things will be sorted out in his favor soon is appreciated. Please pray that the paperwork will go through quickly at each crucial step and red tape wont hinder him getting the needed aid.

Are Mom and Dad settled in their new house?

I think one can honestly say that progress has been made. The boxes have diminished, one car fits in the two car garage, and we hung dad's dozen plus clocks along with a few pictures. They have phone and internet. As of this past week they have a working TV and after my emergency visit to their house, they now know how to work it.   Currently there are plans for some new laundry room cabinets and a re-do on the shower doors.  They are also looking at changing some flooring.  It is this last possibility that has stopped mom from unpacking any more boxes. There are few other purchases that are being shopped for. Things are settling and we are all very happy about their new home.  However Moving and settling is just a process and one that takes longer than a week! That is a fact that Dad often forgets.

During this move, mom traded in her desk top computer for a laptop.  And in that process, her contacts were lost.  So if you are a correspondent of my mom's - drop her a note so she can add your address back in!

Am I working this summer?

Yes I work mornings at a church preschool.  It is a fun and low stress job.  I actually serve as an aide for a three year old who was in my class this past year at the Special Needs preschool.  It is so fun to work with her as well as to help educate children and staff who are not as familiar with children with special needs.  It is fun to see the other children embrace my young friend.  Though I technically work 28 hours a week, I seem to be working all the time! I am not exactly sure doing what but I am constantly on the go putting gas in my car more frequently and wondering how I got things done during the busy school year. It has been fun to get my yard back in order and decorate my front porch. My house is in order at last.  Just needs a good deep clean and a few more cabinets and drawers sorted through.  I willingly am taking on a few "gigs" to supplement the income.  Later in July I will be dog sitting.  Last weekend, I had a new experience.  I can now add to my resume the job of "Cow Sitter."  Beings that my friends were only gone for the weekend, the essence of my job was to  stay in their beautiful farm house with the gorgeous view and periodically count the 15 cows, 1 bull and 1 donkey down in the field below the house.  It was a pleasant way to make a little money for porch decor and groceries to feed my ever hungry 15 year old.

How is Peter?

Peter is easier this summer than last but not without it's challenges.  He has been working out with the few other local students and coaches at the military School this summer in preparation for Football season.  I am grateful for this activity.  Funding for the upcoming school year is still incomplete.  Even though we did not know the money would be available until a week before he started last year, I find I am more anxious about the financial detail this year.  After having experienced the benefit of the Military School for Peter last year, I feel a desperation this year that he be able to return.  In spite of how God so marvelously provided for school last year, I do struggle to believe that he will do it again this year. 

Anything Fun Planned?

I plan to run the Atlanta Peachtree Road Race this Friday July 4th.  I had to cancel plans to run it last year so am excited to try again.  I am not near as prepared this year but am excited none the less.  Hopefully it will be the boost to keep me working towards the Half Marathon at Jekyll Island in October.  With that said - I better head to bed so I am rested come Friday.

Sally Ann has left the premise

Yep - Sally Ann has left the big house signaling the completion of moving Mom and Dad from big house of the past 20 years to the retirement condo of the future.  By the way Sally Ann is my mom's goldfish - a gift from Peter several years ago.  She was the last precious cargo transferred.  We spent four crazy days of loading cars, driving across town, and unloading.  The finale was my yard sale yesterday to sell surplus that needed to go so I could fit the stuff I took from Mom's.  Mom and Dad now have the huge task of trying to figure out what will stay in the condo and what will go into the next yard sale.  My house is still pretty topsy turvey as well but I am going to leave it behind.  Peter and his friend Abe and I are headed to the beach in the morning.  Yep - I am taking two teenage boys to the beach by myself for a few days.  I am either brave or crazy.  Right now I am just tired and looking forward to hanging out on the beach with a book.  It would just be nice if I could find the book I was going to read.  It is buried somewhere in the ruble of my house. Oh well, I guess I will have to read that one later!  

Thanks for all of the support and prayers. Thanks for continued prayers for Mom and Dad as they take care of new house details and getting settled.  And well I must say, I would appreciate prayers for a peaceful few days with the boys at the beach.  Grateful for all your support,

Lindaslist

With 4 weeks until Mom and Dad move, they are walking through the house looking at the furniture saying "keep that" and "let that go."  and Behind them is Linda going "I want that" and "you can't get rid of that!"  Most of the sentimental pieces are going to the new Condo or my house.  There are some items though that need new homes. For those readers who are local or those interested in a road trip, I am going to list here some large items needing new homes and opportunities to check out some of the other "stuff" that will not be going to the Condo or my house.  Somehow it is easier to let stuff go to people I know, especially the sentimental pieces. 

Currently selling:

• full bottom/single top wooden bunk bed set very lightly used
• a beautiful yet large computer cabinet 
• reclining love seat and one or two matching reclines. (not sure they have decide which of their two sets are staying and which is going.)
• large desk/shelf set up
• drafting table
• glider rocker with matching ottoman (mauve) 
• hall tree with mirror
• secretary with glass display top and drawers on bottom
• boxed sets of baseball cards.  Many
• the dining table and 4 chairs that I grew up with.  Yes the one we sat on to open birthday presents when I was little.  
• little bookcase (38 in wide and less than 3 feet tall) dad made in their living room when my folks were newlyweds (needs home if mom or I can't find room for it)

The "Man Sale" is Saturday May 3rd.  Tools, yard items, men's clothes

The "Everything Else Sale" is Friday and Saturday May 16th and 17th

There will likely be a " left over sale " at Linda's in early June.  Got to make room at my house for the sentimental pieces I am not willing to let them get rid of! 

If something sparks an interest or you know of someone in need, let me know!

Wanting - part 2

The "want list" I made has been helpful for me because I am seeing how God has answered some things very specifically. I think it is unfair to not let you know how God has answered "the want list" in some pretty amazing ways.  I know many of you have been praying and I am grateful.

As stated in earlier post, just as Mom asked God, the first person to look at the house, put a contract on it. The inspections on both places have gone well so plans continue to move forward.  The closings are scheduled for June 2nd with hopes of having all moved out and in by the end of that week.

I have asked for help and support of my folks in their move.  This weekend a friend of my dad's came from 7 hours away with his wife to help my parents.  This is a man whom my dad worked with years ago and told me that he and my dad just hit it off and he has a special place for my dad. He helped dad clean out his attic and under the house as well as the utility room.  He took home some of dads bigger tools.  And I think dad is a bit like me, it is nice to give your treasures away to friends.  Dean and Kay's help was such an answer to my request and Kay told me it was a good thing for Dean as well.

Larry does not yet know about my parents move.  However something said this week and his response gave mom the impression that he is happy where he is and not anxious to go home. He really does seem content. That makes leaving him at the end of a visit so much easier.  

I was notified this week that we have been granted the same financial assistance from Peter's school that we received last year.  This is good news as the possible options were to receive same or less!  More is needed to completely pay for the coming school year but this provision from the school is huge.  I am very grateful for the school's generosity and God's provision.

I had been struggling with job and lifestyle related decisions.  Through the Perspectives class I have been taking this Spring, God used some things I had been learning and processing to guide my thinking.  I am grateful for this as I have made some decisions that were not necessarily "easy" or "safe" yet fit with my desire to live "intentionally." 

Thank you for praying and now sharing in the joy!  We appreciate your prayers if you are so led as we continue to watch God answer from the "want list."

Wanting

Do you ever get confused about your wants?  And I am thinking beyond simply knowing what it is that you want. I am realizing that my understanding of wants and especially how it fits into the life of a follower of Jesus can get pretty tangled.  I think there are the sounds of a variety of voices that include the following.  "If I want it, it probably isn't  a good idea."  If I want it, I probably won't get it." If I want it and I get it, I am not really sacrificing all for Jesus." "If I got what I wanted last time, I won't get it this time." "Don't say what you want, take what you get."  "What you want is so much more than what others have so its wrong to want it." "Its better to not want than risk being disappointed." "If you say what you want, someone might give it to you and then you are indebted to them." And we can't leave out the voice that yells out "I NEVER get what I want!" 

I have been discovering and sorting through some of this thinking recently.  How do my wants fit in with my trusting in Jesus for everything?  The truth is sometimes He answers our prayers as we want and sometimes He doesn't.  And the chorus of voices can create conflict in my mind about how I relate to Jesus when he doesn't answer my prayers as well as when he does. It also keeps me from bringing my wants before him. Recently a friend and I were talking about being okay in wanting God to do something then also being okay with what he does whether it is in line with what I wanted or not.  Sounds simple I know. I would like to think that I am free with God - letting my request be known and trusting him however he answers. Yet recognizing the "voices" in my head helps me realize that I have some twisted thinking that hinder this freedom.  

In response to this I have decided to share some of my "wants" or prayers, however you want to phrase it. I am often hesitant to publish a pubic list.  I think it is part of my twisted thinking which includes, " It is okay to make your personal prayer needs known in mass if you are a missionary but not if you are a preschool teacher in the US."  I know it doesn't really make sense.  There is a lot happening in my family right now. I thought if I listed my wants it might help me feel a little more organized about it.  And maybe there are things on this list that God would prompt you to also pray regarding.  

• Larry's stay in Rehab is becoming a stay in the Nursing Home with an indefinite end.  We want an easy switch over of the insurance coverage without complications.  I want him to have regular visitors. I want him to receive good care as well as have positive relationships with people at the Nursing Home. 
• My parents found a Condo that would allow them to downsize. It would also put them less than five minutes from Larry as well as me and their doctors!  We want their house which has just gone on the market to sell ASAP so that they can buy and move into the Condo quickly. Timing is pretty critical if this Condo is "the one."  The downsizing and move will be a large task.  I want to see them have support and help in this process as well as sustained health. 
• I want Peter to graduate from RMA in 2017.  I want the money for this coming school year so that he can attend as a boarding student. I want Peter to have good friendships and role models.
• There are other wants that I am not sure yet how to express so I will leave it at this for now.  

Where We Are

If you have been wondering -

- Larry is making progress with rehab.  He still has little use of his right leg but his arm strength is increasing.  He is progressing in his ability to feed himself as well as push his wheel chair down the hall.  Having gotten over a sore throat and a stiff neck, he seems to be in fairly good spirits most of the time.

- Dad has been given the go ahead to drive as well as return to work.  As he likes to quote our dear friend Helen, "he is kicking, just not very high." 

 - Mom makes her visits to Larry two times a day.  She daily continues to push Larry to practice skills in the areas that the physical therapist, speech therapist and occupational therapist are working with Larry. As always mom seems to take care of everybody and do it with a smile on her face.

- Peter will be home on Spring Break next week.  He continues to "get by" at school.

- Next year's Military School Application is on the table ready to be filled out (hopefully this weekend) as well as the financial aid application.

- I am in the throws of "whirling" as I work on a variety of year end projects for my preschool class.

- Running season is under way.  I ran a women's 5K in Atlanta with a friend this morning.  It was a lot of fun as we ran with hundreds of women through the streets of Atlanta.  It was interesting how many men I noticed came out on their porches to watch.  At the end every woman was given a flower, a t-shirt, and a glass necklace along with other goodies.  It was fun.  I have several other races in the line up for this spring.  I plan to run the Peachtree 10K Road Race in Atlanta with thousands of other in July and my big goal is to run in a half marathon at the beach in October.  As my coworker said, running has become "my happy place" and I am grateful for the physical ability to do so. 

- and yeah, the cat never came back.

Not the Cat

So I recently wrote about the three events in the family that had recently come our way fulfilling dad's theory that things "come in threes."  If the number really is three then I have decided that the Lost Cat does not count.  

Over a week ago dad came down with a cold.  A few days later mom took Dad to the Doctor. While the Dr. prescribed antibiotics, she also determined that something else was going on. Dad admitted to having limited vision in his right eye.  Test revealed that he had suffered a mini stroke that effected that eye. As a result he is currently restricted from driving, off of work and undergoing a variety of other test. 

Meanwhile Peter is still mad at my position regarding Military School.  I am holding my ground and seeking the funds for his Sophomore year while taking him peace offerings in the form of Oreos, Ramen noodles, chips and Gatorade.  I can tell he is struggling and sometimes it is really hard to be able to do little more than pray.  I have heard for years how prayer is the most important thing I can do for him. However as a "doer" and a "helper" sometimes it is really challenging to rely upon prayer when what you want to do is "fix it."

Larry is making progress though it is slow.  Mom said she likes the therapist who work with him and was encouraged by what she saw today. He fed himself most of his dinner this evening however it required a lot of effort on his part. Movement was seen in his right leg for the first time this week.  He is yet unable to readjust himself in his bed or sit up independently Larry's days as a resident of therapy are close to ending when he will become a nursing home resident receiving therapy.  There is a lot of paper work involved in that change.Our desire is that this process goes smoothly.  Mom says that for Larry to be able to return home he needs to be able to gain enough use of his legs and arm to use his walker. That is the goal that they are working towards.

And no, Felix Adidas Kitty never turned back up.

Threes

My dad says things often come in threes.

1) As stated in previous blog entries, Larry fell a couple of weeks ago requiring stitches in his head and a few days later was in the hospital with right side paralysis.  He spent 8 days in the hospital and underwent a variety of test.  The best that they can conclude at this point is that something happened to his neck in the fall.  (Larry has a lot of internal hardware that limits some test so they can not verify it.)  Last Monday he was moved to a local rehab that is connected to the hospital.  The center is a rehab/nursing home facility that he can remain at for as long as needed. Currently he can not move his right leg but is gaining some limited movement with his arm and hand.  He waved goodbye with his right hand when I left this evening.  Larry's left side has been his weak side for a long time. Through the extensive testing it was determined that what we thought was degeneration to his left side due to the Epilepsy was actually a stroke at some point in the past 20 years.  His inability to use his right side is causing him to use his left hand more. There is a lot that he cannot do including rolling over in bed and feeding himself. Tonight I applied a little tough love and worked with him to use his hands to feed himself his ice cream. (I have been watching the OT's at my school.) He works at operating his remote control and CD player. For some reason his speech has also been effected and he speaks with a whisper most of the time. This does make communication even more of a challenge. Larry is in a nice large room and crazy enough has a roommate named Larry, 20 years older, who fell recently and has right side paralysis. Mom is spending a fair amount of time with Larry due to the fact that he can do so little by himself. 

2) Last Friday I headed out of town to visit a friend because it was a closed weekend at Peter's school. (Peter has been keeping up grades enough that he has been home most weekends this Semester.)  Upon arrival I received a call that Peter had a gash at his left eye and was headed to the ER. Fortunately, mom was just down the hall at the hospital with Larry and was able to be with Peter through the receiving of 7 stitches.  God was gracious and his eye was missed by a centimeter only leaving a 2 inch (maybe) scar along side the eye.  The injury was the result of being pulled into some rough housing that he claims he was trying to stay out of.  Basically he was pulled off a desk however he has created a more dramatic story for when he is asked about the scar in the future.  Peter was home this weekend.  Tonight on the way back to school, next year came up in conversation.  He emphatically told me that he was not going back to Military school next year.  His reasons included the uniform, the schools poor athletic performance, and always being told what to do.  He concluded with the fact that I don't have the money. I chose to let him vent saying little.  I did receive the registration form this week with the payment amount and he is right, I don't have the money.  But I didn't have it last year either and God provided the funds.  I find it a bit distressing  that he doesn't want to go back.  However although there has been definite progress since he began Military school, what I see when he is at home indicates that he would quickly spiral downward should he return to public school next year.  I am praying for wisdom in how to handle this crossroad.  And I am asking God who owns a thousand cattle on a thousand hills to sell some of those cattle to pay for another year, preferably three years. (Thanks May for teaching me that!)

3) Last Sunday night after returning to town and visiting Larry at the hospital, I arrived home about 10:00 PM to be greeted by our mostly outdoor/somewhat inside kitty. He, like Peter must have been in the wrong place at the wrong time and had a big wound on his buttocks.  I was concerned about infection, overdue shots, and my inability to fit getting him help into the next days schedule so I decided to take him  to an emergency pet clinic. With protest, I got Felix Adidas Kitty into a box and in the car.  When I took the box out of the car at the clinic, he pushed his way out of the bottom of the box and being scared by nearby noises headed across a four lane road.  He made it across and I could see him in the Mall parking lot.  I jumped in the car to go get him and by the time I could get my car to the parking lot, he was gone.  That is the last I saw Kitty.  I have checked Shelters with no results. He does have a microchip so if found and checked for the chip, I can be contacted. At this point I simply pray that someone took him in and is caring for him.  I wasn't extremely attached to Kitty but none the less it has been distressing to know he is wounded and on the lam.  Every time time I pull into the driveway and start looking for him on the porch, I get that sick feeling realizing he isn't going to be there.

Three wounded.  Three situations in which I feel rather powerless to change things.  Three opportunities to trust God.

A Revision on the Revised

So Peter and I were in the same proximity when I was taking a quick look at my e-mail.  Up popped a copy of my most recent blog post "A Revised Kid" with Peter's picture at the top.  I quickly moved on not needing to read it, when I heard, "hey, what's that?"  I don't think I even had a chance to answer before Peter said "you mean a revised young man or teenager." I lust laughed as I continued on to whatever it was I was looking for on my computer when Peter said, "You are going to change that aren't you?" I assured him that I would make a note that he did not agree with the title but felt that it should be more properly titled "A Revised Young Man."  I don't think he knows that I have a blog but he knew I had written something about him and had labeled him a "kid."  Evidently he wanted to make sure that he was promoted to higher status than that in whatever it was that I had written.

A "Revised" Kid

Many of you have traveled with me and Peter on our family journey and I am so grateful.  I am always in awe of those who tell me that they pray for us daily.  Wow.  My tendency is to talk a lot about what's going on when things are difficult and to become quiet when things are easier.  So the recent quiet can be something to be grateful for.  However for those of you who so kindly ask and fervently pray, let me give you a little snapshot of Peter today at 15 years 2 months and 2 weeks.  Let's begin with this:

.

Pretty impressive, huh?  This is Peter's official 9th grade photo for Riverside Military Academy . It is a long way from baggy britches with boxers showing and untied shoes.  Okay - not that we still don't see those red plaid boxers when he is home on weekends, but at least the pants aren't sagging.  Based on conversations with Peter, I think the uniform is a challenge for him - keeping it all in his possession and on his person in the right format. But he carries himself differently in or out of the uniform and it is nice to see.  Peter takes Weight Training, played on the JV football team and currently participates in Wrestling.  He also has chosen not to take ADHD meds that affected his eating and sleeping.  Let's just say, Peter is no longer the little skinny kid.  He isn't towering over me but has passed me and I don't think he is done growing.

Though Peter's school is just a couple of miles from our home, he was not home a lot during the Fall. "Leave" home is dependant on passing grades.  The occasions upon which he was home, I slowly began to see some changes.  Nervous about him being home 9 days at Thanksgiving, I was pleasantly surprised to have "a new kid."  There was no hostility.  He cooperated with what was requested.  He actually went to my parent's house 3 times during the week, more than he had been at their house all year. He laughed and generally seemed "happy." Some of that was helped by Auburn beating Alabama in one of the most incredible football games.  I really enjoyed him being at home.  Peter came home this past Friday for 16 days.  I have decided that I didn't really get a new kid, just the same one with a little more restraint and maybe a little more contentment. He has bugged me about Tablets, has wanted to do little that does not involve a TV or computer, talked me into doing things for him that I said I wouldn't, and gloated to my parents that I  said a cuss word. But in truth that is the kid I want.  The one who has his spark and spunk without the hostility. Last night he made no objection to my sitting on the couch with him to watch The Office.  He actually initiated conversation regarding it.  That would not have happened a year ago.

I am grateful for the difference that RMA has made for Peter this year.  Most of the staff that I have encountered has bent over backwards to help Peter and me as well  Two of the men who have direct authority over Peter, have indicated that they are impressed with him. One of those men has impressed me based on my interaction with him as well as things Peter has said.  It is obvious that Peter has respect for him and he certainly appears worthy of it. RMA provides the male authority, structure, and discipline that I am unable to provide. Repeatedly I thank God for the provision and ask if he would be so willing, to provide for Peter to attend at RMA throughout his High School Career.  

All of that said, I wrestle with the motherly concerns on a regular basis. Peter has made a lot of progress but there is no shortage of things to "worry" about.  And of course I am always concerned about "doing" the right thing as the parent.  You would think that the last 2 plus years of counseling would help me get past trying to be responsible for Peter's outcome. And certainly my counselor has tried!  Oh I think I am doing better than I was but it still can be a struggle to trust God with what he has started and alone can finish.

Well that is where we are as of today.  I am grateful for my "revised" kid.  I am grateful for the things God continually teaches me along the way.  And I am especially grateful for the people who have been supporting us in many ways all these years.

Peter the Military School Cadet

Peter completed the 30 day ROC (recruit on campus) cycle and was promoted to full fledged Military School Cadet.  I attended the Parade and promotion ceremony.

Where's Peter??????? They all look alike!

Oh there is Bravo Company - he must be in there somewhere.

Oh There he is.  I finally found him when I recognized the way he was biting his lip.  (My mom said, "oh he got that from you."  Hum, well I guess I do bite my lip. Maybe we are more I like than I thought.)

Peter actually let me take his picture!  That's progress.

Peter let a friend take our picture.  Now that is down right amazing!

Peter is home for the weekend.  I brought him home following the school's varsity football game this evening. To say he was eager to get home is putting it mildly.  The fun part was that he was talkative (for Peter) and answered my questions without moaning and complaining  The trip to Wendy's and home was fun. (Remember we live 2 miles from the school and even less from Wendy's so it wasn't lengthy but it was enough to satisfy me.) What was he most eager for?  A milkshake from Wendy's like the one he didn't get to finish the day I took him to school (plus chili and fries.)  Popcorn.  His video games -  "I haven't played video games since I went to school!" And his comfortable bed.  

E-mails from Military School

For over two and a half weeks, I did not hear anything from Peter after leaving him at Riverside Military Academy for football camp and the beginning of the school year.  After two and a half weeks, having met my limit of Mom patience for knowing the welfare of my child, I contacted his supervisors.  I received apologies and the assurance that I would be hearing from him that very day.  So with excitement I headed to my inbox to discover this. "hello can you send me som food and snacks and sports illustrated and send me a secdule of gvill highschool football schedule all right thankyo"  I am going to tell you that it wasn't exactly what I had hoped for.  I didn't expect him to tell me how wonderful school was nor thank me for sending him.  I did expect the "I hate it here" that did come in a later e-mail. However I did really hope for some information about his roommate, football, anything.  Basically all the communication I have received since the first one has revolved around what he wants or needs and complaints about my not sending snacks.   I have responded with expectations for appropriate communication that would lead to my wanting to go out of my way to send snacks. And yet I still receive scantly written "give me" e-mails.  

The other day I was praying and realized that my prayers didn't sound much different from Peter's "give me this and that" communication.  Wow.  Now that was convicting

Exhaling

Did you hear it?  Did you hear that big release of air?  I have been holding my breath for months now. The past few weeks it has been intense.  I was beginning to feel giddy with anticipation of letting it out.  And growing faint from the lack of oxygen to my brain.  And then today, I took Peter to begin Riverside Military Academy and I was able to release my breath. And I am exhausted!

Peter held fast to claims of not going right up to yesterday.  He even went to practice with his former high school today.  However there was a point yesterday when the mantra stopped.  He wasn't happy but he seemed resigned to what would happen.  It began with a visit to the dentist.  We returned to the dentist he saw 5 years ago, a Nigerian woman. (She sent him to children's dentistry and they recently "released" him) Dr. Deborah didn't talk to either one of us about the state of his teeth but she was obviously concerned about the state of his heart and attitude.  She sent me out at one point to have a heart to heart with him. When he went to the car she hugged me and said she wanted to see him in six months so she could check on him.  I said "check his teeth? And her response was basically "well and that too."  She is genuinely concerned about Peter.  I had been asking God to send someone to speak to Peter encouraging him about this opportunity. I never guessed it would be the dentist we had not seen in five years.   Next we made a visit to Riverside Military Academy. When he didn't go in to the admissions office with me, the admissions officer went out to him and invited him to get out of the car and see the school. Peter agreed.  During that visit Peter met coaches and other staff that challenged and encouraged him.  I will never say that Peter agreed or wanted to go to RMA.  But I can gratefully say that he got in and out of the car today of his own accord. 

My emotions have been mixed today with relief, elation, empathy and twinges of guilt. (I moved schools between 8th and 9th grade. We moved states away in fact and I remember it was gut wrenching. I know this has to be hard for Peter.) Now that I have exhaled on getting him there I find there is a bit of me wanting to hold my breath for what happens next. Will I get a call to come get him?  Will I know the right balance for participation and giving space? (We live two miles away.  I told Peter I could jog down in the morning to check on him.  He told me no. ) Although I know better I am already thinking about where the money will come from for next year. In spite of the mix of emotions, I can honestly say that I have seen the hand of God pull this off.  I feel confident that this is the place Peter needs for now to receive training for growth into a man. I am confident God has done this and will continue to "do" this. Thank you for caring about, praying for and contributing to the cause.  Your love and support has meant more than you will know.

One week out

One week from today, residential football camp begins at Riverside Military School. (This is directly followed by the beginning of the school year for Peter.)  I have papers to fill out and turn in ASAP to complete Peter's registration.  I hate filling out papers.  Oh yeah and Peter keeps telling me he is NOT going to Riverside.

And I thought getting the money was the biggest challenge!

Faithful God

As I have been thinking about it, I am not sure that I really doubt God's faithfulness as much as I fear what I will be responsible for when God proves faithful.  I have watched God take us through the Military School journey from initial thoughts of application right up to my confirming visit at the open house. God has been faithful thus far yet I have not been acting confident.  I keep acting like I cant say "Peter is going to Riverside," because I don't know how it will get paid for.  But I have realized that in truth I don't want to say "Peter is going to Riverside" because that means lots of scary other things.  Things I fear are a new community for Peter and me, my guilt over his attending another new school, and well my having to confront Peter with, "You will be going to Riverside Military Academy this fall." (Thus far he has only known it as a possibility, one that he has not believed would happen.)

God has proven faithful.  Through the generous offerings of friends and family, I am pretty certain there is the needed money for Peter to attend Riverside for the 2013-14 school year.  I am in awe, extremely grateful, pretty excited and shaking in my boots (cute orange rubber garden boots that I found on clearance at Target!).  The next steps involve telling Peter, filling out necessary papers, and making preparations for his going two weeks from today. Things I am praying for include: Peter's acceptance of the news without destructive drama; Peter will willingly attend and be encouraged by visiting the school's Open House on Friday; His agreeing to play football with the less glamorous Riverside football team (He has spent the summer training with the current GA state championship high school football team); His cooperation as preparations are made; A good roommate, honorable friends and godly mentor(s); My completing all necessary paperwork and payments in a timely manner; Peace and confidence will overshadow any of my feelings of guilt.  That I will trust that God loves Peter more than I do and he will continue to provide what Peter needs as he has faithfully done thus far.

"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well -watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11

What takes more faith?

Faith is a funny thing.  What can require faith for one person may be just the opposite for another.  It is very personal.  And often it looks as if it takes faith to go either direction when a choice presents itself.  So which one requires more faith?

I have been asking God for the means to send Peter to Riverside Military School.  I have decided to believe he will and presently act as if it is so.  I have told God I am open to how he wants to do it - gifts, scholarship, sweepstakes winnings, or even a new job.  I have made the need known, entered sweepstakes and kept my ears open to job opportunities. I recently learned of a job opening.  A new career  in a totally unrelated field. There were so many perks that provided "security" that I thought this just might be God's answer.  I would go back and forth though as I considered if I could really do the work and adjust to a new schedule. I kept trying to look at 'applying for the job' or 'letting it pass' in terms of "acting in faith."  On the surface it looked like it would take more faith to pursue a job I felt extremely challenged by.  But I realized that perhaps it took just as much faith to pass it by trusting that God would provide in another way.  

I think truthfully that for pride's sake, I want to be the one that works to earn this education for Peter. It is hard to accept help from others.  It hurts my pride.  Deep down there is the part of me that feels like I have to be the one to make the sacrifice for this.  I feel responsible and believe that somehow I am going to have to "do something" maybe even "suffer and sacrifice" to make this happen. So in the end I realized it takes more faith to pass this job by than to pursue it. I was pursuing it out of fear.  Fear that this must be God's provision and if I didn't chase after it, I would miss it.  This job was not simply a challenge, it was totally out of my gifting and interest. I realized that it was just not a good fit for me or the employer therefore I chose not to pursue it.  

It's not the first time I have been in this place of "faith is waiting."  I do believe that God who started this journey will provide what is needed.  I still can't figure out the "how in the world!" This isn't the first time I have been in this place though. There have been other times when I have tried to figure out how I could make something happen when God (without my help) did more than I could have ever imagined.

And So forth

I just re-read a delightful e-mail from a friend.  It was basically a hundred and fifty word run on sentence with hyphens separating thoughts.  She explained that she wrote it the way she would have told it to me.  I laughed because it is true, I could hear her talking to me in her style that I so dearly love as I read it.  As I have been trying to formulate a post, I keep seeing my thoughts formulate in a similar manner.  Typically I like to connect things in a pretty package with illustrations, information and hopefully something useful or thoughtful. I like it to connect.  I like it to make my former English teachers proud. Yet the most recent week just doesn't want to fit that formula.  So I think with this one you will have to sort it out and do what you want with it.

So nothing with Riverside Military Academy has changed - For Peter to attend as a boarder (the preferred option) I need to come up with $15,548 - If he is to attend as a day student $11,673 is needed for this year - When Peter and I talked he did not say he wanted to go but he also did not say "I am not going and you can't make me" which is what I expected - He has excuses for not going - I want him to go but still waiting for God to show me the money -  I keep asking God for the money -  I am willing to change jobs, I just need him to show me -  I have looked in every direction that I thus know to look- The hardest part is looking foolish - it is not like me to apply for a school that I can't afford -I have acted on what I honestly believe God has been directing - yet I can't help but think people must consider me foolish, unrealistic, looking for a handout - I have to look past what I think people think of my attempts to get Peter into this school- I have acted thus far in faith - faith often does look foolish - if this is not what God is doing I am really trying to trust that this journey has been for a reason -This week I am staying with my brother. I offered so that both of my parents could drive to Kansas for my aunt (dad's sister's funeral)- Because Larry broke his hip in April he is no longer able to be left at home alone - He uses a wheelchair as well as a walker with assistance - Staying with Larry now has a whole different meaning than it did in April-  I gave up all other plans, working at a church preschool, working at the Family Life Center, participating in the Atlanta Peachtree Road Race with 60,000 new friends on July 4th, sleeping on my just purchased mattress (the reward of working all summer instead of taking time off), my usual Wednesday afternoon bowling, Wednesday night bible study-  I confess I had to work through the sacrifice and now I can see good - I have a cold so shouldn't probably try to run 6.5 miles (likely in the rain) on July 4th- I wont pass on my cold to the kiddies at preschool - I am not flitting about passing my germs here and there -I can be in mom's great kitchen where it is easy to make chicken soup and other healthful foods -I am doing crafts and other things that I keep pushing aside for "away from home activities"-  I have a legitimate reason to say no to constant motion - there are comfy beds at mom's house - Larry and I are having quality sibling time - I ran in a 5K Saturday called the Jefferson Freedom Run, a 4th of July race with about 200 folks-  In the first 1/2 mile I was seriously questioning why I was running these races - my feet were hurting - I decided I was returning the new (not yet worn) running shoes that I had bought the night before and after the Peachtree Race, quitting with the running thing -  Then as I kept going the endorphin kicked in -And since all the 45-49 women must have been out shopping or at the beach I took first place out of 4 in that age group -  Not saying much since I ran a 11 minute mile but kind of fun anyway.  I have a cute child crafted tile painted as an American flag as an award.  So I didn't take my running shoes back and I plan to keep running so that I can participate in the Peachtree next year on the 4th of July - Going to get Larry and go for a drive to my house to feed the cat - and so forth and so forth.  

Looking for Peace

So I am not sure exactly what to write today.  I can't come up with any real clever package. After I learned that even with the Military school's discount, I needed to find between 14 and 18 thousand dollars for Peter to be able to attend this year, I kind of shut down.  I didn't want to think about it or talk about it. Then I rallied. I started applying the ideas friends have presented.  I called the school again and was assured that my coming to meet in person won't increase how much I can be given in aide.  So I try to think of different employment that would double my income yet is legal. I think of researching scholarship options and get exhausted just anticipating it.  I keep trying to "figure" it out and can't.  I have also tried to accept that this is the end of the road.  But truth is every time I do, I encounter someone attending or working at the school.   I am not convinced that merely investigating the school is as far as God plans to take us.  Tomorrow there is an open house at the school.  I signed up to go and take Peter.  However I have conflict with that.  I don't anticipate him wanting him to go without a fight.  And I don't really want to take him if I don't know that I can follow through with him actually being able to attend in the fall.  I will be down right honest, I am scared. I am scared that at the open house I will just burst into tears for all or no reasons.  I am scared  for Peter to attend the school next year, yet I am scared for him if he doesn't go there. And I am scared that somehow I am not doing "something" that I am suppose to, whatever that something is.  I think it is safe to say that currently I am looking for some kind of direction from God. I am looking for a plan. But most of all I am looking for peace.

When the path appears to end

About a year ago I became so frustrated with parenting Peter that I began looking at boarding school options.  After a fair amount of research and a few counseling sessions, I stopped looking and decided to just "hang on for the ride." However this winter,  Riverside Military Academy (located just two miles from my house) kept being placed before me in conversations.  Several times someone asked me if I had considered it for Peter.  My general response was that I didn't have that kind of money ($30,000 a year for boarding students or $18,000 for a day student.) And the response I would receive was that I shouldn't let that stop me.  Around that time, I also came across two sets of parents who sent their sons to the school and were glad that they had. There came a point in which I sensed that God was leading me to look at this school as an option for Peter. So with my bible study group praying each step of the way for me to take the needed action, I began the journey.  I started by working up the nerve to make the call to the school to see if it was absolutely absurd for someone of my income to apply.  The response I received was that  it didn't hurt to apply for admission, then if accepted I could apply for financial aide.  I filled out the application this spring and was surprised when Peter was accepted without an interview.  Next I proceeded by filling out the lengthy form for financial aid.   Yesterday I was told that Peter has been awarded  approximately half tuition. It is substantial, none the less I do not have the needed remaining money. After taking step after step as it unfolds, I have come to a place where I don't see a next step.  It is one thing to say  "if this is what God intends, he will make it happen," then go do something towards the goal.  It is another thing to say it and not see anything that you can do.  So I guess now I just wait. I figure I am either waiting for a miracle or waiting for peace to come that this is far as this journey goes.