The Red Bag Chronicles - Pictorial

So you thought I had finished the Red Bag Chronicles .......  As friends will tell you, where I am concerned good bye is rarely the end as I always tend to forget something.  As I was down loading a few pictures from the Kansa trip I thought I would include a few favorites here.  I have always been one who likes pictures with my stories. Skip the first four pictures of the grave stone thing is too creepy for you!

Larry's graveside - before the service.

Yes that is my parent's grave stone to the right.  They have planned ahead as a gift to me.

 

 

After the Service.



We only needed one balloon but we bought a spare "just in case." 
Peter is taking care of the spare by trying to suck out the helium. 

After "rolling with it" for the first three days, Peter was provided with some entertainment on Sunday.

At the front gate of the K-state Football stadium.

Hitting balls at a driving range.  Tiger Woods, he is not but he makes for a nice photo.

 

My cousin Dale provided a little adrenaline rush. 
 

And just before we left Kansas, my sweet folks with the flowers from Larry's service.  They were left at the hotel's reception desk for others to enjoy.

The Red Bag Chronicles - Final thoughts

Two months of planning was completed last week as we made the trip to Kansas and had Larry's memorial service.  The red bag was emptied of his remains as they were left there.  Mom put some items in that small carry on bag for the trip home. But carrying that bag home was different.  It was not the treasured bag that was cradled and watched like a hawk.  It was just another piece of carry on luggage to be accounted for.  And I have to say it felt weird and it made me feel kind of sad. 

 

Upon returning home, I have begun my summer job working mornings at a preschool.  I have made some social contacts, put a few things away, spent a little time with Mom and Dad, bought a few groceries and read a couple of silly books.  Today begins my week of vacation as the preschool is closed all next week.  And I am feeling a bit like that red bag.  Kind of empty.   Like the bag, I can fill the time with things - work, activities, projects, social visits, household chores, etc.  But yet there is a sadness. The final act of saying goodbye to Larry has been done.  Yet the grief lingers.  Grief is such a funny thing.  It seems to stir up other grief and feelings which can all get a little muddled.  The sadness isn't just about missing Larry.  It is somehow bigger than that.

 

In my effort to come up with my concluding statement, I left that paragraph and went into the kitchen to reheat my coffee.  Then I made breakfast.  And I tried to put the words together and I still don't quite have it.  It is something about grief being a good reminder that this life isn't all there is.  How grief can help with perspective and drive us to God.  But I am not sure that is exactly where I am trying to go either. 

 

So in conclusion I will simply say this.  Thank you for traveling on this journey.  Thank you for encouraging me to write my thoughts by telling me you enjoy reading them.  I am not immune to the flattery and well it does spur me on.  And I do find that writing them down helps.  I will say that this is the end of "The Red Bag Chronicles" but we all know it wont be the end of my rambling.  Perhaps even this week as I dig around in the yard, help with my friend's wedding, tend to household and family needs, and even just "be" (as I hope I can make myself do) I will be back with more stories and thoughts.

The Red Bag Chronicles - Reconnecting

My parents each had three siblings.  They tended to have larger families than ours which resulted in 14 cousins on mom's side and 9 cousins on dad's side.  17 of those cousins lived in Kansas while we were growing up.  Larry and I were on the young end of the cousin pool.  I think I am the youngest on both sides and remember feeling a bit cheated when the older cousins started having children pushing me out of my coveted position as the "baby."  Larry and I grew up a long ways from the others however made visits with the family every year or so.  I have memories of summers as well as Christmas's with various cousins, aunts and uncles.

 

Most of the cousins lived in more rural settings than we came from.  It was always exciting to explore their homes and yards which seemed SO much bigger than our little suburb home.  Although they weren't all living on farms, that is how we viewed it.  It is funny that I remembered the spaces as being so much bigger than they actually were as I discovered upon revisiting last week.  I remember walking to "town" with my cousins for ice cream one time.  In my mind it was this really long walk and a big act of independence.  I laughed when I saw it the other day and realized that my aunt and uncle had actually lived quite close to the store. I also drove around "grandma's park" - the park across the street from Grandma's house - and laughed to see that it was not quite as big as I remembered it either.

 

I thought my cousins were really cool living out in the country.  When we visited there was so much space to explore.  I thought they were pretty fantastic. We did things with them that were so foreign to our small family of city dweller.  I remember my first demolition derby, pulling thistles out of a large field, shelling peas, and large family picnics and Christmas parties just to name a few.  I have really fun memories of childhood visits to my cousins in the country.  It has been funny to discover that some of them thought we were the exotic ones as we arrived in our little VW bug with it's lack of engine in the front along with our different accent. 

 

The regular visits to Kansas stopped when I became a teenager.  This past weekend was my fourth visit to Kansas in the span of thirty plus years.  Needless to say, I have lost touch with many of my cousins.  Since my mom is a great communicator, I have heard of some of their adventure and seen pictures but have had little contact.  I saw some cousins on this trip that had not seen me since I was a little girl with blonde pig tails.  Over the past few years, relationships with a couple of these cousins have been in the process of being restored.  It was fun to continue that trend last weekend as I connected with so many more cousins.

 

After four paragraphs of back ground, I am getting to the point.  And truthfully I am struggling to know exactly how to express it.  But I want to try - for my sake more than yours.  My family grew up in an isolated way.  We lived far from extended family with only occasional interactions.  In some way's Larry's disabilities isolated our family socially.  For the most part we have been a pretty independent functioning nucleus.  That is a generality of course because there are many people including family who have supported us along the way.  Yet over the long haul, in the physical sense our family unit has functioned on its own. With Peter's addition to our family we became a family of five and now with Larry's death we are back down to four. 

 

At Larry's memorial service, the four of us sat on the front row.  And behind us were fifty or so family and friends supporting us and sharing with us in our grief and our memories. That is a physical picture of the whole long weekend in Kansas.  I realized we were not alone.  We spent time with family and reconnected.  Though there has been time and space between me and the extended family, I realized connections that were easily rekindled. There is a support system, a bond with my extended relatives that I had not realized.  I saw them embrace me, Peter, "uncle Bob" and "Aunt Millie" in such a way of acceptance that made me realize I wasn't alone and I didn't have to remain feeling isolated. 

The Red Bag Chronicles - a Shout Out

As our trip to Kansas approached I was feeling some anxiety over the many details of travel, lodging, the funeral etc.  Though mom was the chief organizer I had come along side to help and had taken on a sense of responsibility to see that all went well.  Especially in the days prior to departure I was praying for helpful people along the way.  And God answered.  He did send us helpful folks along the way - many strangers in route  who showed kindness and helpfulness in abundance.  So I want to do a little "shout out" in gratitude for these kind folks.

 

It all started with Alex the college aged wheel chair assistant who took dad to the gate at the airport.  He was funny and conversational making the anxious journey through security so much more pleasant.

 

There is Felicia at the Delta Airline gate who when she saw the pot luck seating we had received said "oh that will not do." She took the extra time and effort to get all four of us up front and in adjacent seats.  She was pleasant, kind and funny.

 

There is Carlene at Dollar Car Rental who went the extra mile to help me get a document faxed from my Insurance Agent.  It wasn't something she needed to have but was willing to help me obtain for my own personal benefit.  And again she was just so nice.  There are those other two ladies (whose names I did not catch) at the same car rental place today who showed genuine kindness when I dropped my car off.

 

Then there was the staff at the Residence Inn we stayed at.  It began when I made the reservation with the manager Colleen  2 months ago and she gave us the bereavement discount due to our reason for travel. She was so kind on the phone.  Colleen was there when we arrived Thursday and I was blown away by her genuine compassion.  She was always pleasant and eager to help any way she could.  She was such a kind and compassionate soul that when I saw her while loading the car for the memorial service, I burst into tears.  Crazy but something about her gentle spirit made me comfortable to shed tears in her presence.  Along with Colleen there was Hilary and others whose names I didn't know.  Hillary printed my airline tickets before we left and listened to me ramble a bit.  The staff attending to the desk, cleaning the rooms, and providing the breakfast were all so very pleasant.  The accommodations were nice.  They had thought of just about everything that you might need.  There was always coffee available.  I was grateful for the computer easily accessible for guest use.  And this was all located in the heart of a shopping and restaurant mecca!

 

Lets see, who else. . . . .

 

Oh there is that sweet grocery store florist who whipped up a beautiful centerpiece for Larry's memorial guiding us as mom and I choose the flowers and vase. 

 

At the small town (and I mean small town) funeral home there was Wayne and Sharron.  They corresponded with my mom for two months over the details.  The day before the service they went through all the details and listened to our sharing of memories.  They were even at the door with an umbrella when we got out of the car into the pouring ran that day.  They both were there Saturday to help make sure things went well and that what we wanted was done.  And once again they were just so pleasant and kind.

 

Then there are numerous family members and friends who participated in Larry's services, gave one or more of us a ride, shared a meal, or simply went out of their way to visit.  This is where it gets tricky because I might get in trouble for leaving out names.  I think I will save those stories for another time.

 

Needless to say, we are so grateful for all of the people and specifically the strangers who showed great kindness, care and helpfulness during our journey. Thank you God for abundantly answering my prayer.

 

 

The Red Bag Chronicles - bag deflated

The red bag sits limp on the floor in our hotel room.  It is a melancholy thing to see it.  Larry has not been with us for two months, but the empty red bag makes it official.  Friday we placed the beautiful box with Larry's ashes inside a beautiful green vault along with a few treasures.  Yes there was a Neil Diamond cassette in there. We handed it off to Wayne the funeral home director and took our empty red bag to the hotel. 

Today we gathered with some extended family at Larry's gravestone where sat the beautiful green vault.  With the vault was a pretty container of red and yellow flowers and a yellow happy face balloon. There was a prayer followed by the reading of scripture,  the hymn In the Bulb, and a Eulogy that I wrote.  The 10 minute ceremony was finished off with my cousin playing "I'll Fly Away" on the trumpet as a happy face helium baloon was released.  The crazy Kansas weather provided cold and wind making that baloon fly away with considerable speed and making us all grateful the outdoor service was short.

A short time later a service was held at the funeral home in the little small town my folks are from. About 50 people gathered.  It was mostly aunts and uncles and cousins with some long time friends of my parents.  The service had been carefully planned by my mom and was very sweet.  The ceremony began with a welcome and memories from my mom.  It was followed by scripture, congregational singing, a reading of the obiturary and memory sharing.  The service was led by family and friends.  We honored Larry by sharing our memories.

Then we had a party,  There was cake, cookies, mints, nuts and of course Larry's favorite M & M's.  It gave us a chance to talk with friends and family that we rarely see.  We shared more stories of Larry.  Following this, the four of us (Mom, Dad, Peter and I) returned to the cemetary to verify that the vault had been lowered in the ground.  It had been.  Considering the Kansas wind had died down, we wandered around the cemetary as my folks pointed out the stones of other relatives and friends. 

And then it was done.

Presently in the hotel near the empty red bag sits an arrangement of sunflowers and red gerber Daisy's mom and I chose for the centerpiece at the service.  They are our present reminder of Larry and they make us smile.  Mom said today, "Larry would have like those flowers."  I think Larry would have liked it all - the way we said our fairewell.  There was sunflowers, baloons, M&M's, and some of his favorite music but most of all there was family.  One of Larry's favorite sayings was "let's do it as a family" when plans were being made.  Well today we said good bye to dear sweet Larry and "we did it as a family."

The Red Bag Chronicles - "what's in that bag?"

My brother was cremated.  The remains were placed in plastic, in a box, in a velvet bag and have been in mom's closet.  The funeral home recently gave my mom a beautiful carved wooden box instead of the cardboard one.  So today mom put the wooden box in the velvet bag and placed it in a small red handheld carry on bag. Along with it was his memory book, his death certificate, cremations certificate etc.  That carry on was definitely Larry's bag. And off we went to the airport.

It is funny the thoughts that would go through my mind and sometimes the words that would come out of my mouth.  Mom and I shared responsibility for carrying the bag.  At one point I put the red bag at Peter's feet and said with motherly emphasis "watch that bag! Don't let it out of your sight."  He who had spent most of the journey thus far with earphones in his ears said, "whats in the bag?"  Without hesitation I said "your Uncle Larry." More than once someone said "who has Larry?" 

We had researched carrying ashes on the airplane and spoke with the funeral home.  The funeral home assured us there was nothing to worry about.  When we were passing through security and the TSA guy said he needed to look in the Red Bag, over protective sisterly  concern  went into overdrive.  He pulled us asided and when he opened it Larry's memory book appeared on top.  Mom is such a smart packer.  I told him, that bag has my brother's remains.  With that big "don't mess with my brother" look in my eyes and probably my mother's sweet face, he didn't have a chance.  Quickly the bag was released and we were on our way with "Larry".  I must say there was relief because getting him through security had been one of my concerns.

After the security check, I was carrying the red bag much like one cradles a favored stuffed animal or a small dog.  The contents were heavy and we were being careful that the strain of the heavy load did not rip off the handles. Mom told me to let her know if it got heavy.  The first thing that popped into my head (and soon out of my mouth) were the lyrics "He's not heavy, he's my brother."  I don't know the name of that song or who sings it but it will never be the same. 

The thing that kept floating through my head was how this was Larry's easiest trip to Kansas.  Traveling was tiring and challenging for Larry in many ways.  But not today.

I know some of these tales can sound crude but the fact is Larry is not in the red bag.  The remains of his physical body are there.  however the real Larry is with Jesus. He is not here.  But burying Larry's remains is part of the process.  It is part of saying goodbye. And somehow I can't help but think that the humor that comes from carrying his remains in a red bag helps with the pain and sorrow that we feel.

The Red Bag Chronicles - The disclaimer

Tonight I am in Kansas.  We have come to say our final goodbyes to my brother. It has been an interesting day. You see we carried my brother's ashes with us on the plane.  This is all a little weird lending itself to some pretty warped humor.  I would love to share this journey via the blog. .  However I realize the stories of our carrying my brother ashes in a red bag on the airplane and the funny things thought and said may be just too "off" for some folks.  So if that is you, you might want to skip the entries titled "The Red Bag Chronicels" as it will be the tales of our journey to Kansas to bury Larry's remains.