Two months of planning was completed last week as we made the trip to Kansas and had Larry's memorial service. The red bag was emptied of his remains as they were left there. Mom put some items in that small carry on bag for the trip home. But carrying that bag home was different. It was not the treasured bag that was cradled and watched like a hawk. It was just another piece of carry on luggage to be accounted for. And I have to say it felt weird and it made me feel kind of sad.
Upon returning home, I have begun my summer job working mornings at a preschool. I have made some social contacts, put a few things away, spent a little time with Mom and Dad, bought a few groceries and read a couple of silly books. Today begins my week of vacation as the preschool is closed all next week. And I am feeling a bit like that red bag. Kind of empty. Like the bag, I can fill the time with things - work, activities, projects, social visits, household chores, etc. But yet there is a sadness. The final act of saying goodbye to Larry has been done. Yet the grief lingers. Grief is such a funny thing. It seems to stir up other grief and feelings which can all get a little muddled. The sadness isn't just about missing Larry. It is somehow bigger than that.
In my effort to come up with my concluding statement, I left that paragraph and went into the kitchen to reheat my coffee. Then I made breakfast. And I tried to put the words together and I still don't quite have it. It is something about grief being a good reminder that this life isn't all there is. How grief can help with perspective and drive us to God. But I am not sure that is exactly where I am trying to go either.
So in conclusion I will simply say this. Thank you for traveling on this journey. Thank you for encouraging me to write my thoughts by telling me you enjoy reading them. I am not immune to the flattery and well it does spur me on. And I do find that writing them down helps. I will say that this is the end of "The Red Bag Chronicles" but we all know it wont be the end of my rambling. Perhaps even this week as I dig around in the yard, help with my friend's wedding, tend to household and family needs, and even just "be" (as I hope I can make myself do) I will be back with more stories and thoughts.
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