Avalanche

Last week I was telling a friend about the recent family events as well as other challenges that I am currently dealing with.  She sighed and said "Wow, you have had an avalanche." That was such a helpful comment.  It has given me a visual of what I am currently feeling. And visuals help me process.  

I felt like I was overacting by some of the emotions I was experiencing and the paralysis to be able to take action.  However when I see it as an avalanche, it makes sense.  I have never been buried under physical rubble before but from what I have heard, it really is hard to move when one is buried under debris.  It can be hard to breath.  And usually one can not get themselves out from under it by one's self.  

The other day I wrote out a list of all the debris that I felt like I was burred under and laid it before God.  I told him I couldn't get out and I needed him to do something.  As the day went on, I experienced the removal of some of the burden.  But mostly I experienced a sense of peace as I continued to lay underneath it all. Today I woke up and I realized I was still buried under the rubble.  Breathing was hard again and the magnitude of what I feel like I need to do get out from under was again very heavy.  So first of all I was kind of mad.  Had I not asked for help?  

I saw a movie once about men buried under the World Trade Center rubble.  They were there a long time and the process of being uncovered was not quick.  Once they were discovered there was still a process of waiting as pieces were carefully removed and they were dug out.  What they had though was hope.  Hope that came from knowing that they were not alone and there were people working on their behalf. 

I know that I am not alone.  I know that though I feel either helpless or paralysis in dealing with some of my concerns, God sees and is at work.  So what is my responsibility?  I am not totally sure.  I guess resting in trust of God would be a place to start.  Perhaps I am to daily let him know what is weighing me down and give him the responsibility of getting me out. Yet also I could ask him what I am to do today.  Maybe I am to take those small steps without beating myself up that I did not burst through the rubble and rise to the top all at one go.  I am pretty sure that I need to trust God's love for me and continually watch to see what he is doing in the midst of it. I know in my head that he is using the "avalanche" for my good.  I'd like to focus on seeing that.  I am a doer by nature.  Being unable to get myself out is not comfortable.  But once again perhaps that is exactly where I need to be. I have a tendency to forget that grace is the foundation of my relationship with Jesus and his Father. In all my activity and "good deeds" deep down I get that idea that somehow it is the result of "me."  Nothing like an "avalanche" to remind one of her total dependency upon Jesus for everything that is truly good.