A Revision on the Revised

So Peter and I were in the same proximity when I was taking a quick look at my e-mail.  Up popped a copy of my most recent blog post "A Revised Kid" with Peter's picture at the top.  I quickly moved on not needing to read it, when I heard, "hey, what's that?"  I don't think I even had a chance to answer before Peter said "you mean a revised young man or teenager." I lust laughed as I continued on to whatever it was I was looking for on my computer when Peter said, "You are going to change that aren't you?" I assured him that I would make a note that he did not agree with the title but felt that it should be more properly titled "A Revised Young Man."  I don't think he knows that I have a blog but he knew I had written something about him and had labeled him a "kid."  Evidently he wanted to make sure that he was promoted to higher status than that in whatever it was that I had written.

A "Revised" Kid

Many of you have traveled with me and Peter on our family journey and I am so grateful.  I am always in awe of those who tell me that they pray for us daily.  Wow.  My tendency is to talk a lot about what's going on when things are difficult and to become quiet when things are easier.  So the recent quiet can be something to be grateful for.  However for those of you who so kindly ask and fervently pray, let me give you a little snapshot of Peter today at 15 years 2 months and 2 weeks.  Let's begin with this:

.

Pretty impressive, huh?  This is Peter's official 9th grade photo for Riverside Military Academy . It is a long way from baggy britches with boxers showing and untied shoes.  Okay - not that we still don't see those red plaid boxers when he is home on weekends, but at least the pants aren't sagging.  Based on conversations with Peter, I think the uniform is a challenge for him - keeping it all in his possession and on his person in the right format. But he carries himself differently in or out of the uniform and it is nice to see.  Peter takes Weight Training, played on the JV football team and currently participates in Wrestling.  He also has chosen not to take ADHD meds that affected his eating and sleeping.  Let's just say, Peter is no longer the little skinny kid.  He isn't towering over me but has passed me and I don't think he is done growing.

Though Peter's school is just a couple of miles from our home, he was not home a lot during the Fall. "Leave" home is dependant on passing grades.  The occasions upon which he was home, I slowly began to see some changes.  Nervous about him being home 9 days at Thanksgiving, I was pleasantly surprised to have "a new kid."  There was no hostility.  He cooperated with what was requested.  He actually went to my parent's house 3 times during the week, more than he had been at their house all year. He laughed and generally seemed "happy." Some of that was helped by Auburn beating Alabama in one of the most incredible football games.  I really enjoyed him being at home.  Peter came home this past Friday for 16 days.  I have decided that I didn't really get a new kid, just the same one with a little more restraint and maybe a little more contentment. He has bugged me about Tablets, has wanted to do little that does not involve a TV or computer, talked me into doing things for him that I said I wouldn't, and gloated to my parents that I  said a cuss word. But in truth that is the kid I want.  The one who has his spark and spunk without the hostility. Last night he made no objection to my sitting on the couch with him to watch The Office.  He actually initiated conversation regarding it.  That would not have happened a year ago.

I am grateful for the difference that RMA has made for Peter this year.  Most of the staff that I have encountered has bent over backwards to help Peter and me as well  Two of the men who have direct authority over Peter, have indicated that they are impressed with him. One of those men has impressed me based on my interaction with him as well as things Peter has said.  It is obvious that Peter has respect for him and he certainly appears worthy of it. RMA provides the male authority, structure, and discipline that I am unable to provide. Repeatedly I thank God for the provision and ask if he would be so willing, to provide for Peter to attend at RMA throughout his High School Career.  

All of that said, I wrestle with the motherly concerns on a regular basis. Peter has made a lot of progress but there is no shortage of things to "worry" about.  And of course I am always concerned about "doing" the right thing as the parent.  You would think that the last 2 plus years of counseling would help me get past trying to be responsible for Peter's outcome. And certainly my counselor has tried!  Oh I think I am doing better than I was but it still can be a struggle to trust God with what he has started and alone can finish.

Well that is where we are as of today.  I am grateful for my "revised" kid.  I am grateful for the things God continually teaches me along the way.  And I am especially grateful for the people who have been supporting us in many ways all these years.

Best Gift Ever!

BEST GIFT EVER!!!!

So that might be a slight exaggeration.  I have probably said something like that before and likely to say it again but at that moment, the delight of my heart cried out "Best Gift Ever!"  I had gone to work at the preschool, anticipating the craziness of the last day before the Christmas holiday and there it was with a big Red bow, my very own blue VW Bus!

You see I have this little "thing" about VW buses.  I have wanted one for years.  I grew up in a VW bug and missed riding around in the family VW bus by less than a year.  The family ownership of that vehicle was short lived and comes with a interesting family story. However for as long as I can remember, I have loved the VW bus.  I remember as a small child camping with my family in our usual fashion, VW bug and a tent. On one particular trip we camped next to a family with a VW bus with the pop up top. They gave us a "tour" and I knew then, I wanted such a classy mode of transportation. At one point in my adult life, I actually considered trading in my little zippy red car for a VW bus.  However friends convinced me that the extra hour it would take me to get to work due to it's speed might not be worth it.  None the less, the thrill of passing such a vehicle has not ceased.  A man somewhere in my neighborhood has a red VW bus and occasionally drives by my house. The sight and sound gives me a thrill every time!

This little passion is not a secret but I must say that I don't think anyone has offered to give me one before. That is until now.  I have a friend who is one of those folks who is gifted about "gifting."  She is thoughtful and creative and comes up with gifts that are so "right on". I think it has something to do with her quietness and her keen sense of observation.  I knew that as Christmas drew near, she would have some thoughtful gift.   But this - this was too much!  I couldn't stop grinning and telling my friends about my very own VW Bus.  I even let some of my friends take it for a spin.  I am still grinning now as I see it parked at my house.   It represents a longing fulfilled.  It is also about having a friend that really gets me. This was a gesture so dear.

I have been thinking about this today.  At Christmas there is a lot of energy put into giving gifts.  Often this is done to fulfill a sense of obligation or expectation.  We give the gift card so that person can get what they want.  We give the gift we want because well we can't imagine that they would want anything else. We give anything just to say "we gave a gift." No matter the gift or even it's particular motivation it is always nice to be the recipient of a gift. And all kinds of gifts communicate love and appreciation. But there is nothing like the gift that says "I know you. I want to delight you.  I want to share in the joy of your heart."  

I believe that is what God offers us.  Everyday He gives us gifts that say, "I know you. I want to delight you. I want to share my joy with you."  But I know I so often miss it.  I am so worried about what I will "give him" in an effort to repay or fulfill my sense of obligation to Him. I am often so consumed with guilt and shame that I don't "give Him enough nor do enough" such that I miss His daily gifts.  For example, today I do not have to go into work until  3 pm. I have this day at home. I know this is a gift as I love being at home during the day to putz about the house and just take care of home stuff.  But there is also this nagging fear that I might be wasting time when I should be doing something else more meaningful or important.  There is this guilt of all the stuff I haven't done yet and think I should have. There is self hatred that I stayed up reading too late and thus slept in too late. Those feelings can so easily overshadow the gift and the giver of "my morning at home." Oh that I might be able to daily see the gift and shout "best gift ever!" May I not miss the gift and the Giver who takes delight in giving me the delights of my heart.  May you today see the gift that he is giving you and enjoy your "best gift ever!"

Yesterday's BEST GIFT EVER!!!!

  

Blog Fog

If you live in my town you would have experienced some pretty intense fog a couple of times this past week. My view of buildings were blocked by fog all around.  You know the places you normally pass are still there but you just can't see it.  I have realized there has been a little Blog Fog on Looking for Yonder. I have still being journeying to yonder (and mentally writing about it) but you just haven't heard about it because I have been hidden in a fog of busyness. I don't like that word "busy".  People ask me how I am and these days most often I say "busy".  It is true but somehow it seems like an excuse.  Somehow being busy just doesn't seem "right".  But the truth is, there is a lot I have been trying to do or keep up with. Life has been busy. And after a week or two of neglecting my blog, I totally got out of the habit.  Really not that big of loss for the rest of the world, but I do find it helpful in processing life.  So I have been aspiring to bust through the fog.

Recently in my pursuit to not have "being busy" consume my life and drain it of joy and meaning I made a decision to make Sunday's sacred or at least a little more "set apart".  Not really a new idea, I know.  God came up with the idea of a Sabbath (a rest) a long time ago. One of the components to my making Sunday set apart is not to have a written or even mental  "To Do" list on Sundays.  Wow, I have discovered that I am pretty controlled by having a "To Do" list!  Now I can't put writing on my blog on the Sunday "To Do" list because there is no Sunday "To Do" list.  However it is on my mental list of Sunday favorable options. Last week was my first week of this new Sunday endeavor and it was semi- successful.  This week I guess God felt like I might need a little more help.  I have finally admitted that I most likely have a sinus infection. Thus I have allowed myself a low profile today which has involved a lot of couch time.  Even in feeling yucky, I am realizing that I do not find "resting" a very easy or "guilt free" experience.   However since I am trying to stay on the couch, coming out of the Blog Fog seemed like a good option for today.

Well I think I will wrap this up, (kind of feel a nap calling.)  My plan is to stay out of the Blog Fog and in a future entry I will catch up some of the happenings on the way to Yonder. But just in case,  let me say "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Yonder Trail!"

Peter the Military School Cadet

Peter completed the 30 day ROC (recruit on campus) cycle and was promoted to full fledged Military School Cadet.  I attended the Parade and promotion ceremony.

Where's Peter??????? They all look alike!

Oh there is Bravo Company - he must be in there somewhere.

Oh There he is.  I finally found him when I recognized the way he was biting his lip.  (My mom said, "oh he got that from you."  Hum, well I guess I do bite my lip. Maybe we are more I like than I thought.)

Peter actually let me take his picture!  That's progress.

Peter let a friend take our picture.  Now that is down right amazing!

Peter is home for the weekend.  I brought him home following the school's varsity football game this evening. To say he was eager to get home is putting it mildly.  The fun part was that he was talkative (for Peter) and answered my questions without moaning and complaining  The trip to Wendy's and home was fun. (Remember we live 2 miles from the school and even less from Wendy's so it wasn't lengthy but it was enough to satisfy me.) What was he most eager for?  A milkshake from Wendy's like the one he didn't get to finish the day I took him to school (plus chili and fries.)  Popcorn.  His video games -  "I haven't played video games since I went to school!" And his comfortable bed.  

The Parable of the Pumpkin Vine

This is my pumpkin vine.  Last spring my classroom preschoolers and I planted some seeds in little cups. When school concluded in May, I had a 6 inch pumpkin vine.  I took it home and for lack of a garden plot, I planted it in the natural area beside my house and ignored it. That little pumpkin seed has grown into what at the latest measurement is a 30 foot pumpkin vine producing over 50 blossoms.  It is absolutely beautiful. However as fast as it is growing, death seems determined to catch up with it.  I noticed over a month ago that the leaves near the root were developing spots and withering away.  I tried several different sprays until I was informed that my pumpkin, due to our extremely wet summer, most likely had root rot and that there was nothing I could do about it. 

The bottom of this picture is where the pumpkin was planted.
Leaves have withered to about 2/3rds of the way up on this picture.

The crazy thing is that at the time the root rot was diagnosed the vine was probably only about fifteen feet long. It is doomed and yet it keeps just on going and going and going.  I have been extremely sad about my pumpkin vine.  I was SO excited to harvest pumpkins from the seed planted by my little preschool class. Every time I look at it, I get this sinking feeling.  Jonah and his anger over the withered vine keeps flashing in my head. Believing that God waste nothing, I have been trying to figure out the parable of my pumpkin vine. I have been looking for some message for the lost that I could share with others.  The other day as I was feeling frazzled by all I was trying to do and all I felt like I couldn't get done, God reminded me of my pumpkin vine.  I have been spinning my wheels trying to do this, accomplish that, and please this one or another all in my strength and hard work.  I acknowledge God with my arrow prayers but seldom stop to meditate, read scripture or ask for wisdom and strength regarding this "to do list" of mine.  I wine and complain, feeling this bitterness creeping in.  I have this appearance of being very busy and productive.  Yet root rot is eating at it to the point that I fear the fruit of my labor will all be for nothing.  All that I do in my own strength, produces what? A withered vine. I can't say that things have changed but I have been challenged.  If I grieve over a withering pumpkin vine should I not grieve over my own effort to produce something that cannot be, without the power, strength and life of Christ surging through it.

E-mails from Military School

For over two and a half weeks, I did not hear anything from Peter after leaving him at Riverside Military Academy for football camp and the beginning of the school year.  After two and a half weeks, having met my limit of Mom patience for knowing the welfare of my child, I contacted his supervisors.  I received apologies and the assurance that I would be hearing from him that very day.  So with excitement I headed to my inbox to discover this. "hello can you send me som food and snacks and sports illustrated and send me a secdule of gvill highschool football schedule all right thankyo"  I am going to tell you that it wasn't exactly what I had hoped for.  I didn't expect him to tell me how wonderful school was nor thank me for sending him.  I did expect the "I hate it here" that did come in a later e-mail. However I did really hope for some information about his roommate, football, anything.  Basically all the communication I have received since the first one has revolved around what he wants or needs and complaints about my not sending snacks.   I have responded with expectations for appropriate communication that would lead to my wanting to go out of my way to send snacks. And yet I still receive scantly written "give me" e-mails.  

The other day I was praying and realized that my prayers didn't sound much different from Peter's "give me this and that" communication.  Wow.  Now that was convicting

Larry update 3

I told Larry that I ought to go to more of his doctor's appointments.  I got to leave work early and Mom bought me lunch. Lunch did feel rather celebratory. Larry had the staples removed from his incisions, much to his relief. According to the Surgeon, things seem to be healing well.  As for the "other things" the surgeon recommended that no chemo or radiation treatment be done at this time.  This is what mom and I had both hoped for.  So basically now it is a matter of mom and Larry learning to make the most of living with a colostomy bag.  The hope is that Larry's balance and physical strength will continue to improve so that he can be as independent as possible.  Thank you again for your prayers and concerns for Larry.

Wow - Larry Update 2

This evening I went to dinner with my parents and Larry.  The only evidence that he had been through major surgery was the sitting pillow that he carries with him.  All I can say is wow.  Two weeks ago as we anticipated his colon cancer surgery, I had concerns as to how he would bounce back.  He has bounced back from this very well.  There are adjustments for him (and Mom) however Larry's spirits are good and he is recovering much better from this than he did from his broken hip in early May.  He goes to the doctor on Wednesday to have the last of the stitches removed and "talk about other things" as the doctor so told Larry. I am grateful for the doctor who has taken good care of  Larry thus far. We are also very thankful for the many prayers on his behalf and I do ask for your continued prayers as we meet with the doctor on Wednesday.

Larry Update

My brother Larry had a four and a half hour surgery today to remove cancer from his colon. Due to the location of the cancer, he received a permanent colostomy.  According to the Surgeon everything went well. Larry's surgeon has a reputation for being very thorough and taking very good care of his patients. That has been our experience thus far. Tonight Larry is in ICU as a precaution due to his seizures.  His pain is being managed but there is obviously a lot of pain.  It is expected that Larry will be in the hospital 7 days or so. Pathology reports will hopefully confirm what the Dr. presently believes, which is that they removed all the cancer.  No radiation or chemo treatments are scheduled at this time. With Larry having just recovered from a broken hip, this has felt like a set back.  However there is hope that Larry will recover and adjust to the changes before him.  Thank you for your prayers.

Changing my perceptions

Perception determines our feelings which leads to our actions.

Recently this idea was presented to me.  We feel based on how we perceive something. Then we tend to act or react based on how we feel.  I have been pondering this ever since.  I have been writing down perceptions or "truths" that I have adopted.  Even as I write them, I know many are false but none the less they are perceptions that I function by.  I am beginning to see the feelings that they result in and the actions that I take in an effort to control feelings based on whether I like them or not.  I have been challenged to and trust that I will continue to look at my perceptions in light of truth.

One of the perceptions that I have (and know is false) is the idea that "Life should be fair. Burdens/grief/difficulties should be distributed proportionally."  Like I said, I learned at an early age that "Life is not fair," but it doesn't mean that I still don't think it should be.  If I am experiencing a heavy load, I tend to feel cheated.  If it is another person, I feel guilt and grief.  And because of other perceptions I have, this often leads me to feel I need to do something about it.  I know it is kind of twisted.  I know it is not truth, but none the less it is how I have been functioning for a long time.  

This particular thought has been in the forefront recently. Peter has experienced more suffering and difficulties than it seems that one kid should have.  And now he has been removed from his school that is familiar and put in a new unknown and very different environment.  In my perception, it does not seem fair.  Please do not hear me wrong.  I know without doubt that Peter is where he needs to be.  None the less because of my "fairness" issues, I tend to feel great grief and at times guilt for what he is experiencing.  I am not saying this is right, just saying that it is what I feel.  My brother who has suffered much physically in his life seems to also have had more than his fair share of difficulties.  He has just about regained his independence following his broken hip in April.  However this Tuesday he will undergo major surgery due to a new medical condition that has been discovered. How this effects my parents, also does not seem fair. This conflicts with my false perception that life should be fair.  What  often tends to surface is a mix of  frustrating emotions and actions

I look at my own situation and confess that it does not fit my perception of challenges being distributed evenly.  Currently I am adjusting to the empty nest, concerned for my family regarding  Larry's upcoming surgery and recovery, and facing job challenges and changes with both my preschool job and my second job. I also need to make some decisions about schooling in order to keep my certification to teach preschool.  It is not necessarily "bad stuff" but it is a lot of changes happening at once.  I find based on my perception, that I can feel resentful that I am dealing with challenges in so many areas of life.  

So what is the truth.  The truth is that there is nothing in the bible about life being fair. Really there is absolutely nothing fair about Christ who was without sin dying on the cross for my sin.  There is a lot of scripture that supports the idea that God is faithful and he will carry us when we are weak.  Scripture also speaks the truth that suffering is something that God uses to do his mighty work. (Hebrews 2:10) God works things that I consider to not be fair for the good of those who chose to trust him. (Romans  8:28)  My desire is to take this head knowledge and make it the truth by which I truly believe and perceive the world around me. 

Exhaling

Did you hear it?  Did you hear that big release of air?  I have been holding my breath for months now. The past few weeks it has been intense.  I was beginning to feel giddy with anticipation of letting it out.  And growing faint from the lack of oxygen to my brain.  And then today, I took Peter to begin Riverside Military Academy and I was able to release my breath. And I am exhausted!

Peter held fast to claims of not going right up to yesterday.  He even went to practice with his former high school today.  However there was a point yesterday when the mantra stopped.  He wasn't happy but he seemed resigned to what would happen.  It began with a visit to the dentist.  We returned to the dentist he saw 5 years ago, a Nigerian woman. (She sent him to children's dentistry and they recently "released" him) Dr. Deborah didn't talk to either one of us about the state of his teeth but she was obviously concerned about the state of his heart and attitude.  She sent me out at one point to have a heart to heart with him. When he went to the car she hugged me and said she wanted to see him in six months so she could check on him.  I said "check his teeth? And her response was basically "well and that too."  She is genuinely concerned about Peter.  I had been asking God to send someone to speak to Peter encouraging him about this opportunity. I never guessed it would be the dentist we had not seen in five years.   Next we made a visit to Riverside Military Academy. When he didn't go in to the admissions office with me, the admissions officer went out to him and invited him to get out of the car and see the school. Peter agreed.  During that visit Peter met coaches and other staff that challenged and encouraged him.  I will never say that Peter agreed or wanted to go to RMA.  But I can gratefully say that he got in and out of the car today of his own accord. 

My emotions have been mixed today with relief, elation, empathy and twinges of guilt. (I moved schools between 8th and 9th grade. We moved states away in fact and I remember it was gut wrenching. I know this has to be hard for Peter.) Now that I have exhaled on getting him there I find there is a bit of me wanting to hold my breath for what happens next. Will I get a call to come get him?  Will I know the right balance for participation and giving space? (We live two miles away.  I told Peter I could jog down in the morning to check on him.  He told me no. ) Although I know better I am already thinking about where the money will come from for next year. In spite of the mix of emotions, I can honestly say that I have seen the hand of God pull this off.  I feel confident that this is the place Peter needs for now to receive training for growth into a man. I am confident God has done this and will continue to "do" this. Thank you for caring about, praying for and contributing to the cause.  Your love and support has meant more than you will know.

One week out

One week from today, residential football camp begins at Riverside Military School. (This is directly followed by the beginning of the school year for Peter.)  I have papers to fill out and turn in ASAP to complete Peter's registration.  I hate filling out papers.  Oh yeah and Peter keeps telling me he is NOT going to Riverside.

And I thought getting the money was the biggest challenge!

Faithful God

As I have been thinking about it, I am not sure that I really doubt God's faithfulness as much as I fear what I will be responsible for when God proves faithful.  I have watched God take us through the Military School journey from initial thoughts of application right up to my confirming visit at the open house. God has been faithful thus far yet I have not been acting confident.  I keep acting like I cant say "Peter is going to Riverside," because I don't know how it will get paid for.  But I have realized that in truth I don't want to say "Peter is going to Riverside" because that means lots of scary other things.  Things I fear are a new community for Peter and me, my guilt over his attending another new school, and well my having to confront Peter with, "You will be going to Riverside Military Academy this fall." (Thus far he has only known it as a possibility, one that he has not believed would happen.)

God has proven faithful.  Through the generous offerings of friends and family, I am pretty certain there is the needed money for Peter to attend Riverside for the 2013-14 school year.  I am in awe, extremely grateful, pretty excited and shaking in my boots (cute orange rubber garden boots that I found on clearance at Target!).  The next steps involve telling Peter, filling out necessary papers, and making preparations for his going two weeks from today. Things I am praying for include: Peter's acceptance of the news without destructive drama; Peter will willingly attend and be encouraged by visiting the school's Open House on Friday; His agreeing to play football with the less glamorous Riverside football team (He has spent the summer training with the current GA state championship high school football team); His cooperation as preparations are made; A good roommate, honorable friends and godly mentor(s); My completing all necessary paperwork and payments in a timely manner; Peace and confidence will overshadow any of my feelings of guilt.  That I will trust that God loves Peter more than I do and he will continue to provide what Peter needs as he has faithfully done thus far.

"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well -watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11

Sweet Memories

So I received a text from my dear friend Christine. Christine was my first housemate when I went to Uganda. Her text read "I am craving those rock hard cookies from the Italian butcher in Uganda??"  Having 15 minutes, I immediately called and said, "which rock hard cookies exactly?"  She provided a few explanations and when she said "they were shaped like ducks," I knew immediately what she was referring too.  I  said "oh yeah, I loved those cookies."  Her response was "you didn't at first."  And I am pretty sure she was right. Truthfully a lot of my first year in Uganda was a blur but I do remember that there were few things that I really "loved" about my new home.  But as I recall my latter years in Uganda, I remember buying many a package of those rock hard duck, horse, and crescent shaped cookies because I really did like them.

We remained on the phone for about 15 minutes and most of that time was spent talking about the food we enjoyed and missed from Uganda.  During my early years in Uganda, Christine and I frequently ate out together.  We had access to very good food and at what was for us as Americans, very reasonable prices. We talked about the ice cream from the Belgium Butchery.  (Yes the Butcheries were SO much more than meat.)  The Belgium butchery's adjoining restaurant, Le Chateau made this fabulous Tilapia in a cream sauce as well as potato croquettes. Christine and I would go in and without even looking at the menu ask for it.  It would be brought to us and we would totally enjoy our fish and potatoes.  It was a shock when we realized that the beloved dish had not been on the menu for many months.  Yet whenever we requested it "Dirk"  the chef would make it for us.  One of my most beloved birthday presents is when Christine asked Dirk to share the recipe for Tilapia Le Chateau with me. She presented me with a hand scrawled recipe, sign by Dirk. It has an honored spot in my recipe file!  (No I haven't made it but after my phone conversation with Christine I am thinking I definitely should sometime soon!)

Christine and I talked about the fabulous affordable Indian cuisine that we had access to as well as favorite Ugandan and Kenyan dishes.  We laughed and I felt light when I got off the phone.  All that  from the memory of some food.  Kind of funny.  But it was more than food. It is sweet memories from a time that didn't always feel so sweet.  It is about sharing enjoyable experiences with a dear friend.  Experiences that overshadow the hard times.  It is about having someone remember and understand what few others can.  I got off the phone being really grateful.  Grateful for Christine. Grateful for the opportunity to experience great and varied cuisines. Grateful for delights during a difficult transition. Grateful for my memories.  And grateful that the sweet memories are stronger than the bitter ones.

What takes more faith?

Faith is a funny thing.  What can require faith for one person may be just the opposite for another.  It is very personal.  And often it looks as if it takes faith to go either direction when a choice presents itself.  So which one requires more faith?

I have been asking God for the means to send Peter to Riverside Military School.  I have decided to believe he will and presently act as if it is so.  I have told God I am open to how he wants to do it - gifts, scholarship, sweepstakes winnings, or even a new job.  I have made the need known, entered sweepstakes and kept my ears open to job opportunities. I recently learned of a job opening.  A new career  in a totally unrelated field. There were so many perks that provided "security" that I thought this just might be God's answer.  I would go back and forth though as I considered if I could really do the work and adjust to a new schedule. I kept trying to look at 'applying for the job' or 'letting it pass' in terms of "acting in faith."  On the surface it looked like it would take more faith to pursue a job I felt extremely challenged by.  But I realized that perhaps it took just as much faith to pass it by trusting that God would provide in another way.  

I think truthfully that for pride's sake, I want to be the one that works to earn this education for Peter. It is hard to accept help from others.  It hurts my pride.  Deep down there is the part of me that feels like I have to be the one to make the sacrifice for this.  I feel responsible and believe that somehow I am going to have to "do something" maybe even "suffer and sacrifice" to make this happen. So in the end I realized it takes more faith to pass this job by than to pursue it. I was pursuing it out of fear.  Fear that this must be God's provision and if I didn't chase after it, I would miss it.  This job was not simply a challenge, it was totally out of my gifting and interest. I realized that it was just not a good fit for me or the employer therefore I chose not to pursue it.  

It's not the first time I have been in this place of "faith is waiting."  I do believe that God who started this journey will provide what is needed.  I still can't figure out the "how in the world!" This isn't the first time I have been in this place though. There have been other times when I have tried to figure out how I could make something happen when God (without my help) did more than I could have ever imagined.

Four Firemen and a Kitty

Did you know that fireman do not rescue kittens out of trees anymore?  But if you drive up to their station and ask nicely, they might just help you get one out from the underbelly of your car.

So Saturday afternoon I am driving home from a friend's house.  While sitting at a red light I heard a cat meowing. I turn off the audio book I was listening to, to see if it was part of the story. It didn't make sense that it would be.  I didn't hear it so I resumed with the story as I traveled home.  Wanting to continue with my audio book I stayed in the car cleaning out coupons and trash. That's when I heard it again, meows of a cat. I looked around in my bushes for my outdoor cat,  Adidas or his friends who share his cat dish.  I saw nothing.  It was weird. I wondered if I was hearing things.  The next morning while in the kitchen I heard meowing outside.  I figured it was Adidas wanting breakfast and went to put food out for him.  There was no Adidas or any other cat for that matter.  Strange.  So off I went to take Peter to catch the bus for football camp, to church, to the store, to my friends at one end of town and back across to the other side of town to visit my parents.   About 8:30 PM mom and I were sitting at her dining room table talking.  I was telling  her about the cat voices and my fear that I was developing some mental disorder.  That's when I heard it, the meowing of a cat.  I said mom, "Listen, I hear meowing, there must be a cat in my car somewhere."  At first she gave me the "really?" look then she too heard it.  We headed out to my car and started looking around the tires.  I thought I saw a shadow move so mom went for a flashlight.  I opened the hood and began shining the light into the engine.  A few minutes later I saw it, two eyes in a gray furry face staring up at me. There was a kitten in the underbelly of my car just below the engine. 

I was relieved that I was not hearing things , but what was I to do?  The poor thing had obviously been in there since at least the afternoon before.  I was to have an oil change the next day but I couldn't drive around knowing he was in there.  I thought about how I had always heard of firemen rescuing cats from trees and thought maybe they could rescue a kitten from the engine of a car.  It was finally decided that mom and I would drive my car to the nearest fire station.  My mom cringed with empathy for the little thing every time I turned a corner. Upon reaching the fire station, it was closed up and I could not find anyone to talk to.  So there I was in the fire station parking lot dialing 911. When asked where I was, I said , "In my car at the fire station parking lot."  After quickly relaying my need the dispatcher contacted the men inside.  Shortly one by one, four fire fighters came out to figure out how to get the kitten out.  During our conversation, I learned that they do not rescue cats out of trees anymore.  None the less, these men crowded around my car engine discussing how to get the little fellow out.  I sat on the curb laughing at the scene.  One fire fighter had his fire coat on so that he could get in closer to the hot engine.  Another went for a jack in case they needed to lift up the car. One retrieved a golf club from a truck in hopes of nudging the little fella out.  It was actually that which resulted in the grey fur ball darting out from my car over to a nearby pickup truck where it quickly climbed up into its back tire chassis.  Next thing I knew two firemen were working to get him out from there. Soon one produced this itty bitty gray kitten.  Discussion during the rescue resulted in one of the men saying he would take the kitten. 

I thanked them for their help.  One of them smiled and said, "just don't tell anybody."  I get that they don't want to be known as the cat rescue squad.  But really, could I not tell my story?  It was definitely an unusual Sunday evening.  Mom and I laughed all the way back to her house and laughed as we relayed the story to my dad and brother.  I am so grateful that the little kitten survived it's 24 plus hour imprisonment under my car.  I am grateful for the firefighters who so graciously aided us.  I am grateful for the firefighter who was going to see that it received a home.  And I am REALLY grateful that I am not hearing things that are not there!

Well Groomed Weeds

Weeds (according to Webster) -  : a plant that is not valued where it is growing and is usually of vigorous growth; especially : one that tends to overgrow or choke out more desirable plants.

Between rains, I spent a little time in my yard yesterday.  I cut my grass, well I mean weeds. I remember hearing my friend say that the neighbor had complimented their lawn. She said that really all her husband did was cut the weeds.  I think of that when I mow my grass. Cut short it really does look like grass. But let the rains come and the lawn mower stay parked then the crazy tall chutes and flowers give it away. There is very little true grass in my yard. It really is mostly weeds. I believe that outside work is full of spiritual lessons. Jesus obviously believed thus and I am often on the look out for lessons in my yard. I was thinking about my weeds and wondering if there was any spiritual or life applications of "well mowed" weeds? Don't really know.  But these were a few thoughts that I had as I continued to push the lawn mower along.  

1) Even weeds look good when well groomed. It is easy to look at others' "beautiful lives" and be envious.  Truth is we all are weeds.  We are all sinners (in need of a Savior) and  we all face life challenges.  No matter how fabulous one's life may appear, truth is, it is made up of weeds.  

2) Sometimes an embraced weed looks good. In certain areas plants arise that I do not want because it competes with other plants or simply makes the area look unattractive, like in sidewalk cracks.  In these area I fight the weeds.  I pull, dig  and spray.  Letting them be is not beneficial.  However in my yard, hardy plants are welcome.  Weeds trimmed make for nice ground cover.  I accept the weeds. Sometimes situations come into our life that we may not value because they are unwanted and "wild".  Sometimes instead of fighting them it is a better use of energy to embrace them and make them part of the landscape.

And So forth

I just re-read a delightful e-mail from a friend.  It was basically a hundred and fifty word run on sentence with hyphens separating thoughts.  She explained that she wrote it the way she would have told it to me.  I laughed because it is true, I could hear her talking to me in her style that I so dearly love as I read it.  As I have been trying to formulate a post, I keep seeing my thoughts formulate in a similar manner.  Typically I like to connect things in a pretty package with illustrations, information and hopefully something useful or thoughtful. I like it to connect.  I like it to make my former English teachers proud. Yet the most recent week just doesn't want to fit that formula.  So I think with this one you will have to sort it out and do what you want with it.

So nothing with Riverside Military Academy has changed - For Peter to attend as a boarder (the preferred option) I need to come up with $15,548 - If he is to attend as a day student $11,673 is needed for this year - When Peter and I talked he did not say he wanted to go but he also did not say "I am not going and you can't make me" which is what I expected - He has excuses for not going - I want him to go but still waiting for God to show me the money -  I keep asking God for the money -  I am willing to change jobs, I just need him to show me -  I have looked in every direction that I thus know to look- The hardest part is looking foolish - it is not like me to apply for a school that I can't afford -I have acted on what I honestly believe God has been directing - yet I can't help but think people must consider me foolish, unrealistic, looking for a handout - I have to look past what I think people think of my attempts to get Peter into this school- I have acted thus far in faith - faith often does look foolish - if this is not what God is doing I am really trying to trust that this journey has been for a reason -This week I am staying with my brother. I offered so that both of my parents could drive to Kansas for my aunt (dad's sister's funeral)- Because Larry broke his hip in April he is no longer able to be left at home alone - He uses a wheelchair as well as a walker with assistance - Staying with Larry now has a whole different meaning than it did in April-  I gave up all other plans, working at a church preschool, working at the Family Life Center, participating in the Atlanta Peachtree Road Race with 60,000 new friends on July 4th, sleeping on my just purchased mattress (the reward of working all summer instead of taking time off), my usual Wednesday afternoon bowling, Wednesday night bible study-  I confess I had to work through the sacrifice and now I can see good - I have a cold so shouldn't probably try to run 6.5 miles (likely in the rain) on July 4th- I wont pass on my cold to the kiddies at preschool - I am not flitting about passing my germs here and there -I can be in mom's great kitchen where it is easy to make chicken soup and other healthful foods -I am doing crafts and other things that I keep pushing aside for "away from home activities"-  I have a legitimate reason to say no to constant motion - there are comfy beds at mom's house - Larry and I are having quality sibling time - I ran in a 5K Saturday called the Jefferson Freedom Run, a 4th of July race with about 200 folks-  In the first 1/2 mile I was seriously questioning why I was running these races - my feet were hurting - I decided I was returning the new (not yet worn) running shoes that I had bought the night before and after the Peachtree Race, quitting with the running thing -  Then as I kept going the endorphin kicked in -And since all the 45-49 women must have been out shopping or at the beach I took first place out of 4 in that age group -  Not saying much since I ran a 11 minute mile but kind of fun anyway.  I have a cute child crafted tile painted as an American flag as an award.  So I didn't take my running shoes back and I plan to keep running so that I can participate in the Peachtree next year on the 4th of July - Going to get Larry and go for a drive to my house to feed the cat - and so forth and so forth.  

Thank you

Hey.  I just wanted to say Thank you. I know people have been praying for me since I posted yesterday. After some morning anxiety, a good cry and a prayer of exasperation, I really did have a considerably peaceful day.  I actually had a sense of anticipation.  Nothing external really changed but I was almost joyful throughout the day.  Go figure!  It had to be friends like you praying. Peter went to church without the usual war and did what was asked without to much hoopla. (Perhaps it was motivated by knowing that I was attending open house at the Military School.)  So yes,  I did go to the open house. I realized that it is an honor for Peter to have been accepted at such a school.  It also confirmed that it would definitely provide discipline, structure and academic motivation that I struggle to provide. No one offered me any more money.  My peace is simply that if God provides money (in whatever form that may be), I will trust that this is the school for Peter. I confess that I did a little "retail therapy" after the open house to sooth my soul from the information overload. I bought a plant for my porch and for some very strange yet to be figured out reason, a "Jimmy Buffet" CD.  When I got home, I realized perhaps I should have bought a Lottery Ticket. 

Thanks for you prayers today.  I am indeed grateful.

Looking for Peace

So I am not sure exactly what to write today.  I can't come up with any real clever package. After I learned that even with the Military school's discount, I needed to find between 14 and 18 thousand dollars for Peter to be able to attend this year, I kind of shut down.  I didn't want to think about it or talk about it. Then I rallied. I started applying the ideas friends have presented.  I called the school again and was assured that my coming to meet in person won't increase how much I can be given in aide.  So I try to think of different employment that would double my income yet is legal. I think of researching scholarship options and get exhausted just anticipating it.  I keep trying to "figure" it out and can't.  I have also tried to accept that this is the end of the road.  But truth is every time I do, I encounter someone attending or working at the school.   I am not convinced that merely investigating the school is as far as God plans to take us.  Tomorrow there is an open house at the school.  I signed up to go and take Peter.  However I have conflict with that.  I don't anticipate him wanting him to go without a fight.  And I don't really want to take him if I don't know that I can follow through with him actually being able to attend in the fall.  I will be down right honest, I am scared. I am scared that at the open house I will just burst into tears for all or no reasons.  I am scared  for Peter to attend the school next year, yet I am scared for him if he doesn't go there. And I am scared that somehow I am not doing "something" that I am suppose to, whatever that something is.  I think it is safe to say that currently I am looking for some kind of direction from God. I am looking for a plan. But most of all I am looking for peace.

When the path appears to end

About a year ago I became so frustrated with parenting Peter that I began looking at boarding school options.  After a fair amount of research and a few counseling sessions, I stopped looking and decided to just "hang on for the ride." However this winter,  Riverside Military Academy (located just two miles from my house) kept being placed before me in conversations.  Several times someone asked me if I had considered it for Peter.  My general response was that I didn't have that kind of money ($30,000 a year for boarding students or $18,000 for a day student.) And the response I would receive was that I shouldn't let that stop me.  Around that time, I also came across two sets of parents who sent their sons to the school and were glad that they had. There came a point in which I sensed that God was leading me to look at this school as an option for Peter. So with my bible study group praying each step of the way for me to take the needed action, I began the journey.  I started by working up the nerve to make the call to the school to see if it was absolutely absurd for someone of my income to apply.  The response I received was that  it didn't hurt to apply for admission, then if accepted I could apply for financial aide.  I filled out the application this spring and was surprised when Peter was accepted without an interview.  Next I proceeded by filling out the lengthy form for financial aid.   Yesterday I was told that Peter has been awarded  approximately half tuition. It is substantial, none the less I do not have the needed remaining money. After taking step after step as it unfolds, I have come to a place where I don't see a next step.  It is one thing to say  "if this is what God intends, he will make it happen," then go do something towards the goal.  It is another thing to say it and not see anything that you can do.  So I guess now I just wait. I figure I am either waiting for a miracle or waiting for peace to come that this is far as this journey goes.

Why?

I ran a 5K yesterday.  It was an out and back, up and down some crazy hills.  My time was slower than I have been recently clocking but considering the hills, I was pleased. And to my surprise I came home with a Silver medal in my age division.  Turning 45 has its perks in the running world because I am now in the 45-49 age bracket and yesterday was my third medal this spring.  It also pays to find races that have few runners. In April I brought home my first medal when I placed 3rd out of 3 people in my age division.  It was a real surprise when a few weeks later I received third place and there was actually more than 3 people in my age division. I was actually third yesterday but the person who took first was so fast that she  took first place Master, bumping me up to 2nd.   It is all kind of fun but here is what I keep wondering . . . .

• Why do I feel the need to emphasize that when I got my first third place medal, there was only 3 people in my age division?
• Why do I feel the need to emphasize that when I got the second medal, the race was full of people simply supporting the cause thus the competition wasn't fierce?
• Why do I need to tell you that I really didn't take second place but third yesterday?
• Why do I need to tell you that these are small races thus getting a medal doesn't mean that much?
• Why do I always feel like it isn't that big of a deal because I am not really fast in comparison to many? In fact looking at yesterdays stats, I was number 58 out of 107 participants. Yesterday I averaged a 11.29 minute mile.  (My fastest is 11 minute mile.) Why do I need to tell you that?  Why do I want to tell you that one guy was walking with a cane so my being faster than him doesn't really count?
• Why do I feel like somehow I didn't really earn the medals and it is no big deal?
• Why do I struggle to celebrate my accomplishments?

I don't know exactly.  I do know that this same thing happens in other areas of my life. And I am not exactly sure how to change it but I guess recognition is the first step.

So yeah me -I got up at 5:30 on a Saturday morning so I could run a 5K (3.2 miles).  I got a bright yellow T-shirt to prove it.  And I got a silver medal too!!!!  I will choose to believe the following quotes and try - really try to stop making disclaimers about my victories, whatever they may be!

"Whether it is a 7 minute mile or a 14 minute mile, it is still a mile."

"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch."

My Front Porch

My house is small.  The kitchen is extremely lacking in counter space and has no dishwasher.  I have to pull out the dryer, blocking the back door to get it to dry clothes efficiently. There is no central heating or air conditioning. The awkward bedroom arrangement requires Peter to go though my bedroom into the bathroom to get  to his bedroom. There are some challenges with this little old house.  Of course there are some concessions.  I live in a great location in the center of town. The house is owned by friends and the rent price is amazing for the location. I live in an area that has great places for running. There is a yard that is big enough but not too big. The yard has a variety of beautiful foliage planted by previous owners. There are great neighbors on one side and a park on the other.  My neighbors have two huge, deep voiced dogs which provide a free security system.  The house is old so it has character and it was renovated a few years back so it is not falling apart.  But the best part, the gift of my house, is the front porch.

The front porch is the same size as the living room.  It has a quaint white rail around it flanked by a variety of beautiful foliage which gives it some privacy. The porch is roomy enough that I have a farm table and chairs plus a rod iron glider love seat on the porch. String lights flank the porch ceiling giving it an inviting glow when I come home in the evening.  I take great delight in adding seasonal decorations to the front door and table. Recently I added a new piece.  During a furniture rearrangement in the house, I carried my retro reclining lounge chair out to the porch. This lovely piece which I guess dates back to the 1960's was a yard sale find of $10 (which included delivery to my house.) I was afraid that it was going to have to be given away when I received the gift of new "used" furniture. However I decided that maybe it could stay on the porch.  Fortunately this indoor recliner is unique enough  that I don't think it makes the porch look like a place Bubba and his buddies would hang out and have beers.  Adding this chair has made the gift of my porch even better.  In the morning I can have my quiet time in my recliner, peering at the tree tops and listening to the morning sounds around me.  In the afternoon I can catch a cat nap in my chair.  And in the evening I can read a book in the glow of the mood lighting and listen to the evening sounds.  

As I sit out here this morning my mind goes in a variety of directions.  I feel guilt over unfinished task, parenting decisions, and things I would rather do than pray.  I think about how delightful my porch is this morning and I even feel guilt over that.  (For some reason guilt and shame seem to always be close at hand.) I feel guilty that I complain about things and am not grateful enough for this house and this porch.  Crazy I know.  So as I was sitting here, wrestling with my thoughts, something happened.  All of the sudden I saw this porch as a gift of love.  Yes life is hard.  Yes I am a sinner who is known for poor choices.  Yes I don't show undivided attention to God who sent Jesus to die for my sins.  Yet he loves me. GOD LOVES ME.  He sent Jesus to take upon all my guilt and he gave me this porch.  Sitting on my porch, I feel  really loved.  Shame and guilt, go play in the park because right now I am enjoying the gift from my heavenly father.  I am enjoying my porch and I am knowing that in spite of it all, I am loved.

Eye Twitches

Okay so I have noticed that my eye gets to twitching sometimes.  It is kind of weird but not really alarming.  Of course being the hypochondriac that I am, I have considered a variety of possible ailments.  But knowing that I am a bit of a hypochondriac, I also am pretty certain that it is none of them.  Comparing eye twitches to my current state of affairs has led me to conclude that they are onset by fatigue and stress. The eye twitching is helpful in that it helps me be more aware of how I am being affected by both of these.  Well today my eye started twitching in a crazy way! Yes I stayed up late and got up early. But it was the news that I received that really got it going.  I learned today that Peter has been accepted into the Military Academy without needing to have an interview.  Wow.  Now I don't have to figure out how to get him to an interview or worry about him sabotaging it.  But now the next step is to apply for financial aid and see what happens.  Being one step closer to the possibility of him actually going caused a whirling of  "what ifs" and anxiety.  Thus my eye was twitching.  It has calmed down as I have prayed and conducted a fair amount of self talk.  Considering it probably won't be the last twitch over this issue I thought I would share with you.  I appreciate prayers for the next step of seeking out scholarship as well as God's confirmation if this is indeed where he is to go.

One person's to-do list, another person's treasure map

So we were playing outside at school today.  A child from another class was running around with a piece of paper in his hand.  He was talking about his Treasure Map and how he was looking for treasure. First I was amused at his imagination and enthusiasm.  Then I thought that treasure map looked somewhat familiar.  I made a comment to my co-work about what he had.  She said that it was a sticky note, someone's list.  I responded with "I think it is my to-do list."  She inquired if I was going to Publix?  Yep, the little fella's treasure map was my to-do list that had evidently fallen out of my pocket.  When asked if I needed to retrieve it, I said no.  So often I never actually look at the to-do list anyway.  Yet having my to-do list become a treasure map made for a good excuse if things went undone.  So I may not have gotten everything needed done today yet I can take heart in knowing that someone else did enthusiastically search for treasure.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's day.  A number of folks have sent text or greeted me with "Happy Mother's Day."  I appreciate the sentiment but I need to be honest.  "Happy" is typically not how I feel on Mother's Day.  I blame it on marketing and media who promote the day.   Mother's day is promoted by pictures of adoring children with their mothers, husbands helping children surprise Mom, as well as elaborate gifts of flowers or jewelry being given from grown children to their mothers.  The images that marketing companies use to promote the day are filled with smiles, bright colors, and peace.  I find this contradictory to my own experience.  On Mother's day, I tend to simply cry and feel sad.

My very first mother's day with  Peter, just a a few months after bringing him home to live with me was a nightmare.  There was lots of kicking and screaming and tears.  And pretty much since then, Mother's day has been filled with his acts of rejection.  In addition, there is no dad telling him "be nice to your mother, it's mother's day."  And as for my own mother, my little token gifts seem so insignificant and create feelings of failure at being unable to really show her my appreciation.  Then I think about others as well.  I see mother's who are watching their children suffer for various reasons.  I have friends who so desire to be mothers yet are not.  My friend recently lost her husband and is "celebrating" her first single mother's day.   Every time someone says, Happy Mother's day, I think, "really??"

Okay, so before you start preparing your lecture for me, let me say I am not against Mother's day.  I am so grateful that there is a day that holds me accountable to make sure that my mom knows that I love and appreciate her.  I also really am grateful for people who acknowledge my role as a mother.  It's the "happy" that I have problems with. Being a mother has little to do with being happy.  In my experience, it is painful, sacrificial, intense, consuming and exhausting.  And that often overflows even into the day set aside to celebrate motherhood.  When someone says "happy mother's day," images from the media flash in my head, and my experience just comes up so short.  Then I feel cheated. Sometimes I cry. 

So in case you are thinking this as well, I am not against motherhood either  Motherhood is an extreme honor.  I often thank God for the privilege because it gives me a glimpse of his heart for his children.  For me specifically, being a mother was a calling.  I believed God asked me to be Peter's mother.  I chose to be his mother when he was four years old and motherless.  Daily I experience the frailty of my ability to do the job. Therefore daily I am reminded of my dependence upon God for the role.  And with that I can know joy.  In the midst of the job of mothering, there are times of mommy bliss.  In my personal story they are jewels treasured for their rarity. 

I have come to the end of my rambling and not sure I have a great conclusion.  Now I just have the fear that no one will ever say "Happy Mother's Day" to me again.  Surely that's not what I want.  Maybe we could just start a new trend.  Instead of Happy Mother's Day, maybe we could say something like," Joyous Mother's Day." or "Go Mom Go," or " "Congratulations, you made it through another year without beating your kid."  Or maybe simply "Thank you."

So to all you moms on this day I say, "Thank you for what you do."

Spring Time

I know I said I was going to write a weekly post and it has been almost three since I last wrote one.  Blame it on Spring Time.  With Spring comes "end of the school year" projects and reports.  Typically Peter is usually even more high maintenance than usual. For some reason social activities seem to be on the rise during Spring. As a result, I tend to experience "overload" paralysis. Then of course there is the usual "unexpected." (last year I had a kidney stone!)

So these are this year's events that you could call excuses but I will call my blogging "Spring Break."  In addition to trying to explain the absence, I use them as a way of letting you know of things in which you could pray for us.

• Friday May 17 is the last day with kiddos at my school. Before their departure I have paperwork to  organize, 6 training hours to complete, individual scrapbooks to compile, parent gifts to finish, Our Favorite music CD's to put together, thank you gifts to make, plus teach 6 more days to crazy children who know the end is near!  I will work a couple of post plan days the following week and anticipate working mornings throughout the summer in my school's three week summer program as well as at another preschool. 
• I added an extra night to my second job.  I now work at the Family Life Center (a church sponsored, family gym) Tuesday and Friday nights and every other Saturday afternoon.
• I turned in an application for Peter to attend a Military School  2 miles from our home. I am anticipating a call for his interview. He does not want to go nor do I have money for the tuition.  (The tuition is more than I take home in a year.) However, I felt very compelled to investigated it.  There is possibility of scholarship and I think it would be beneficial for Peter if it was to all come together. I decided to just take it one step at a time and see what happens.  Next step is to get him to the interview!
• Meanwhile Peter is training for the 9th grade football team at the local high school.  He attends early morning weight training and afternoon practices. Considering his fondness for camping on the couch the rest of the time, I am grateful for the diversion. And oh yes we are selling coupon books to raise money for football gloves and summer football camp.
• I am running 5K's (actually got a medal a couple of weeks ago.  I placed third in my age division!  I was 3rd out of 3! ) I also have a spot in the Peachtree Road Race, a little 10K (6.4 miles) with about 60,000 participants in Atlanta on July 4th.  After the Boston Marathon incident I keep telling myself I need to make sure I get my will made up before then!  Also bought myself a running ID bracelet.  Doesn't hurt to be prepared!
• Less than two weeks after my parent's return from Hawaii, my brother fell and broke his hip.  He spent 4 days in the hospital and has been in a transition rehab facility since last Saturday.  Fortunately he is not too far from my house.  Mom carries the load of his care but I am trying to make frequent appearances.

That's what's going on in a nutshell.   Hope to have more entertaining post in the near future.  Meanwhile here is a picture of me and my "big win." 

God sets the lonely in families

When dad announced his plans for taking mom to Hawaii for 3 weeks, Mom and I both knew I was going to need help to manage the homestead.  The first week when Peter and I were out of school would be fine.  But the question was how I was going to get everyone everywhere and everything done once school resumed.  After thinking and praying my mom contacted my cousin Dale (who lives 16 hours away) about coming to take care of Larry for the last two weeks of their vacation.

I confess that I had my apprehensions. I am the youngest of the 16 cousins on my mother's side and my brother and I grew up states away from the others.  My "cousin" memories are typically fun however they are few.  My immediate family has been pretty much a "take care of ourselves" kind of unit.  Though I had great memories of Dale from childhood and even had visited in his home a few years ago, I wasn't sure what it would be like to have him come.  How would it be to have someone come into my parents home for two weeks and essentially do what I would typically do.  I was almost more nervous about having Dale help than having to manage it on my own. What a surprise Dale's coming has been.

I learned that God gave Dale a servants heart.  And people like that are truly happy when serving.  He really seems like he is having fun taking care of, cooking for and bantering with Larry.  They act like two little kids at times and it is fun to watch.  Dale is a good cook and Peter and I have been invited to share in the bounty. Dale has provided a good balance as I am involved but not having to take care of all the details of Larry's care.

Perhaps the biggest surprise was how much I have enjoyed being with Dale.  He has had a variety of life experiences including one that almost took his life a few years ago.  He is very welcoming and has a home that is very open to those in need.  Being 13 years my senior he also has stories of a grandpa I never knew. Dale has this fabulous big laugh and gives great bear hugs.

Sometimes I feel alone.  Extended family has always been far away.  I have just one brother who cannot provide emotional support.  My one child rejects me on a daily basis.  This time with my cousin has helped me not to feel so alone.  He keeps assuring me that he is one phone call and a 16 hour drive away if we need him.  I have always been fond of the verse Psalm 68:6 "God sets the lonely in families." I have seen God do that numerous times by giving my "family" through friends.  A few years ago God brought me back to live near my immediate family.  And once again he has given me family with my very own extended family. 

Tonight . . . .

I am grateful for:

• I am grateful for the change of pace that Spring Break brought. 
• I am grateful to resume a routine tomorrow.
• I am grateful for my cousin Dale who came from Kansas to stay with my brother for the remainder of mom and dad's Hawaii trip.
• I am grateful that Netflix didn't work last night so that instead of staying up too late (again) I turned off my computer and got needed sleep.
• I am grateful for friends near and far and a new( better working) cell phone that connects us.

I am challenged by:

• I am starting over with healthy disciplined eating (again) after over indulging with Easter Candy. 
• I am struggling to understand, accept, and trust changes happening within my church.
• I am filling out Peter's application  for a Military School that I can't afford, believing it is the next step.
• I am bracing for Peter's tantrum tomorrow due to choices he made today.
• I am trying to adjust to wearing bifocals.
• I am hoping that my dear 3 and 4 year olds are not as crazy after Spring Break as they were before.
• I am  telling myself that morning will come quickly and it is time to go to bed.

• I am praying that I might truly seek God's heart in all these things so that He might be honored.

Stepping Up

My mom and dad left yesterday for a three week excursion to Hawaii.  I am very happy to see them take this trip because they work hard and take care of a lot of people, including me.  However when I realized that they were going to be gone for Easter, I became anxious. I asked my mother who was going to put the chocolate Easter bunny behind the bedroom doors.  She said "the Easter Bunny."  I said "no really."  I also asked who is going to make Easter lunch.  I cannot remember her exact words but her response was something to the effect that maybe it was time for me to "step up."  

It's not like I have never been the grown up before.  I am a parent.   I don't feel like a very good one but I am a parent none the less.  And this is not the first time I have cared for my brother in their absence   However there is something about knowing I can go home to mom and dad, especially on a holiday.  I count on mom to make the holiday's special. If the holiday is going to be planned and organized this year, it looks like it is up to me.  At first I was going with the "skipping Easter rituals" plan. I was thinking we would be "spiritual" about Easter and skip the traditions.  However sometime late this week I decided that I needed to indeed "step up" and make some kind of plan.

First of all, the boys (Peter and Larry) will  go to the Easter Service at my church.  Then  I invited a friend whose parents had recently moved, to come over for the afternoon.  We are going to "craft" and I will prepare some type of Easter meal.  Dinner is less than 12 hours away and I can't say that I am sure what that meal is going to look like.  I have decided not to try to replicate mom's.  That would most likely be disappointing   I am working on a new tradition, however that new tradition is still in the works.  Maybe Taco Bell or Chinese take out??

As you may know, my mother is not the type to leave one hanging.  In fact she is known to go  above and beyond.  Part of my pre-Hawaii "orientation" included mom showing me where the Easter candy and the Easter Bunnies for the doors were.  Thanks mom!!!!

He is Risen, Hallelujah!  Happy Easter!

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman has misplaced her gold belt and arm bands. She is just not feeling much like a super hero at the moment.  Therefore this past week's blog is late and now very brief. Yep, that pretty much sums it up. She is hopeful that they will be found soon.

Running the Race

Today I ran a 5K.  I have been running off and on for the past four years. Probably a lot more off than on.  Today I was motivated to get a better time than the race I ran two weeks ago. The time from either race will help determine my placement at the Peachtree Road Race in Atlanta on July 4 (that is if chosen in the lottery.)  With 55,000 people running, the slower one's time, the further back in the line up one is and the hotter it will be when you finally do get to go. So as I came across the finish line, I was disappointed to see that I was not going to beat my time.  I saw the time I was trying to beat flash on the screen as I approached the finish. I struggled to keep pushing hard, feeling as if there was no point.   Gasping for breath I went to check the computer for my final time.  What a surprise to see that my time was actually 1 min and 16 seconds faster than the race two weeks ago.  I forgot that the clock was from the start of the gun but that it took awhile before I actually crossed the start line. Wearing a time chip, the computer would base my time from crossing the start line to  then crossing the finish line. What a delight to be way faster than I had imagined and to now have a new 5K time record!  Woo hoo!  

The race I ran today was the Fallen Heroes of GA 5K to honor those who have given their lives for our country in the Middle East conflicts.  This is the third time I have run this race and it is by far my favorite race.  Running somehow seems more purposeful as we honor those and their families who have sacrificed.  Along the first and what becomes the last half mile of the race, are the pictures and names of the fallen soldiers of GA.  Often family members stand by the picture.  It makes the life and death of those who serve very real.  I find it an emotional experience and one in which I always shed tears.  The last half mile involves a steep incline and ends with a triumphant down hill.  Having already run  2.5 miles, tackling that last hill is tough.  I wondered if I could make it.  I decided to focus on the pictures as I climbed the hill.  I looked at the men who didn't quit but gave everything they had.   I would look at the name and say, "Benjamin did it, so can I."  "Lance did it, so can I." At one point I read the sign and said "Jesus did it, so can I." The man's name was likely pronounced Hey-seuss but saying it as I did was meaningful.  I am motivated to persevere because Jesus did. Jesus persevered to the Cross for me. I could persevere in that physical hill as well as the hills that life presents.

One of the things I like about running is what a picture of life it is.  When I am running in a 5K or taking a training run, very little of it is fun or easy.  There are moments that feel good, like when people are cheering me on or I am chatting with a friend.  However I find most of it just hard.  It is just one foot after the other, after the other, after the other . . . .  Some moments I wonder if I can make the distance.  There are times that I am sure I will have to quit.  A lot of the time I keep asking myself, "why am I doing this?"  I  tell you, I do it for the finish line. What a feeling crossing the finish line is.  Once I can breath again, limbs have stretch, and re-hydration has occurred I say, "that wasn't so bad, when can I do it again?" Sometimes life is really hard.  And sometimes life is just so one foot after the other.  But I know someday I will cross the finish line and I am pretty sure that all that was hard will fade in the glory of being with Jesus face to face.

The Snow Globe Phenomenon

Here is another excerpt from my preschooler's "how to" manual,  How to be an Emerging 4 year old.  (see March 2 post)

To maximize your entertainment at preschool, try this.  First of all, never get quiet or listen to your teachers.  Use your outside voice in the classroom and climb on the furniture Then as a group chose a random object and fixate on it when it is presented. For example chose a Christmas snow globe.  For even more effect, chose it in March.  When you see it, beg your teacher to play it.  As the snow swirls and the Christmas carols trill out of it, freeze and go absolutely quiet.  Beside the joy of watching the snow whirl inside the globe, you will get to watch the dumb founded look come across your teacher's face.  She too will freeze in amazement. When the music and whirling stop, go back to the business of being crazy. Throw in a few pleas for the snow globe to be played again.  She will do it because she like the quite and she is hopeful.  When she plays it you again, freeze and utter not a peep.  Her amazement will soon turn to power.  She will start using that snow globe to get you to do things.  She will say things like, "If you all quickly make a circle at the carpet, I will play the snow globe."  She might even say, "The table with the children who are quiet will get to have the snow globe turned on and sat on that table."  She will feel triumphant and think she has found the magic key to ordering chaos. That's when you stop.  Let her play that snow globe and you start arguing about how you can't see it because of someone's head or you try to touch the snow globe hollering "my turn! my turn!"  That is when you get to watch your teacher scramble for a new object to "control" you with.  If you are lucky she might just pull out the Singing Easter Bunny!

How To Be An Emerging Four-Year-Old

In my third year as a teacher of a three-four year old preschool class, I have made some discoveries.  I am seeing patterns in behaviors of emerging four year olds that I do not recall having read about in child development lessons.  If I was to create a manual for "How To Be An Emerging Four-Year-Old," these are points that I would include.

As you embark on turning four, you learn the term "best friends."  As you are learning this, so are your friends.  Conversations frequently revolve around who is your best friend, who is not your best friend, and how you can't be so-and-so's best friend because you are already someone else's best friend.  Along with this discussion comes tears and occasional physical assault. You may mimic your teachers words of "we are all best friends in our class," when it seems to be to your advantage but you don't really believe it.

Along with discovering best friends, almost four-year-olds begin discovering the opposite sex.  During this time if you are a girl, you begin to fight over who is whose boyfriend.  Such words as "I went to so-and-so's house and you didn't," will be tossed out along with a toss of curls.  Downcast looks begin to appear as a favorite boy is playing with one of your female classmates.  As a girl you tend to show more evidence of staking claim, while what begins to emerge in boys is a strange sense of loyalty.   If you are an emerging four-year-old boy you may begin carrying back packs for female friends, being the daddy to their baby dolls and even being lead around by the collar like a puppy. As a little boy you may just as likely hit the object of your affection as well as to hold hands with her.  It is the beginning of a life long roller coaster involving how to relate to females.

Another three year old characteristic is the obsession with pretending to be a dog or a cat. As a three year old you often cannot resist the urge to crawl on the floor and bark or meow. Sometimes this is preferred to walking.  Smart teachers will learn to capitalize on this phenomenon. Sometimes your teacher will let you crawl like a dog to the destination as a quicker mode of transportation than trying to get you to hold the rope and walk in a line. If you are lucky your teacher will host a dog show.   Providing dog tricks you are to complete and rewarding  you with Scooby Snacks has the potential of keeping you from bouncing off the walls for as much as thirty minutes.  If you want another dog show just run around without listening and she will likely conduct an impromptu dog show for the sake of her sanity.