Yesterday was a planned day off. I was grateful as I didn't feel well. Really felt yucky and the symptoms and scenarios grew with the day. Upon going to bed my fickle thermometer indicated that I might have a low grade fever. Combine that with the headache, pressure in my face and aching joints I decided it was time to get checked out. What I suspected was a sinus infection what I feared was THE VIRUS! So this morning I called out of work and headed over to my favorite Urgent Care. I admitted upfront that I was a hypochondriac and laid out all my symptoms of the past week. The tech determined my temperature to be a good ol 98.7, and my blood pressure to be on target. The doctor said my heart and lungs sounded great. He did see some signs of sinus drip in my throat and pressure in my ears. So he agreed I might have a sinus infection in the making. He suggested a Z pack and offered steroids which I declined. I don't like steroids. He did also offer to sell me another 125 frequent flyer miles with a Covid 19 test but really felt like it was just sinus related. So I declined that offering.
So what do I make of all of this? First of all I am grateful for some medication that will hopefully help my symptoms. I also appreciate the doctor's suggestions which could help combat my sinus issues. I am grateful for the peace of mind of having a medical professional tell me that he isn't concerned that I have a virus, infecting everyone I am around. I am also relieved to know that I should be able to go to work tomorrow as there is no fever nor am I considered contagious. That is the upside.
Yet on the other hand, I am frustrated and embarrassed by my hypochondriac moments. I knew nothing was wrong and yet something compelled me to go find out. My imagination gets so out of control that I need a professional to tell me I am okay. I feel caught in a "woe if I do/woe if I don't" moment. I felt it was irresponsible to go to work feeling bad in case I had something contagious yet now I feel irresponsible not being at work because I don't have a contagious illness or fever. Honestly I think a lot of my hypochondriac moments are connected to my fear of being irresponsible. I don't want to cause others to suffer by my negligence. Sometimes this plays out in going to work when I feel bad. And other times it is in going to the doctor when nothing is really wrong.
The truth is technically I am physically healthy. Yet as a I shared a couple of post ago, sometimes my body starts screaming because it is tired and brings things to a halt. It's not that it isn't real, but it doesn't show up by medical numbers giving it legitimacy. Then I feel like a fraud.
There is a lot of feelings going on here isn't there? I am struggling to wrap this up. Finding it hard to come up with the words. There is this issue of truth versus feelings. I don't think feelings should be denied. Feelings are real and it is often feelings especially physical ones that indicate there is a problem. Yet feelings shouldn't be allowed control over truth.
I think there is more to ponder and say on this but for now I will pause. I think I will go take a nap then maybe work on plan to use those frequent flyer miles.
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