My New Do

Are you familiar with the animated movie Tangle about the fairytale character Rapunzel.  I have to say, there are scenes and music in this film that make it one of my favorite Disney films.  One of my favorite scenes is towards the end where Flynn Rider saves the day by slashing Rapunzel's long locks with a shard of glass to release her from the evil Mother Gothel.  What results is this adorable brunette bob for which I spend the rest of the movie wishing I could get my hair to resemble. 

Now I am smart enough to know that it is going to take more than one swipe with a piece of glass to produce that cute haircut.  Experience tells me it takes someone with skill as well as some maintenance on my part. Due to the low cost of maintaining, ease of daily care and versatility I have worn long hair for a number of years now.  However I often get the itch for an easy breezy short do every now and then, especially after I have seen one of the many viewings of Tangled on Free Form.  Recently this was the case and I started pursuing Pinterest for real life models of the short shaggy bob.  

A couple of years ago a friend gifted me with a free haircut from her hair stylist.  In Berni I met someone whom I believed could make my hair dreams come true.  So after two years of Berni styling my long layers, I went to her armed with pictures telling her I wanted to do something different.  She acted like it was really fun and well she did not disappoint.  It met all the criteria: easy to maintain, extended wear before haircut needed, and it fit my hip preschool teacher vibe.  And when she was through I did feel like it had that Rapunzel brunette bob charm.

Quite a few years ago in another long to short hair transformation, I discovered a group called Children With Hair Loss that take hair donations of at least eight inches or more.  I felt sure this haircut would result in at least that much so I decided to donate again.  When all was said and done, I was able to donate a ten and a half inch pony tail to the organization.  I added some money to the cause so I could receive this really cool shirt.

On the form, it ask if you are honoring anyone with the donation.  This time around I truly did have someone I wanted to honor.   A little boy in my preschool class was diagnosed with Leukemia at the beginning of the school year and has been going through Chemo.  I was able to "honor" Wesley with this donation.  

That all sounds sweet doesn't it.  But I know and I am telling you, it is a façade.  That hair cut was all about me. There was no sacrifice involved.  Yet I was able to take it and twist it to make myself look like some hero. My pony tail is a small piece in comparison to what is needed for a life changing wig.  I basically bought the T-shirt that says - look at me, look what I did.  And putting Wesley's name on a paper really does nothing for him.  The donation, the shirt and the certificate are an attempt to take a self gratification moment and make it look like it is not. 

I can't help but think of the verse Isaiah 64:6 which says "and all our righteousness's are like filthy rags."  So often even our attempts for good really aren't that righteous if you delve down to the core.  There is often a self pleasing motivation behind it. And sometimes we know it and try to do things so it doesn't look like it is really all about us.  

And my response to that?  Thanks be to God !!!  "This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.  There is no difference for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." Romans 3:22-24

Now am I trying to say that I think I was wrong or "selfish" to get this cute hair cut or even donate the hair, buy the t-shirt and put Wesley's name on the certificate?  No, not it all.  I am just pointing out the truth.  It's easy to take something we want and try to make it look righteous or give it "super hero status" in an effort to justify our actions or receive applauds from those around.  My hair donation was TOTALLY about me.  I own it.  And I can only hope that in some small way God uses it. Meanwhile I will proudly wear the T-shirt and flip my short locks out of my eyes with a little sassy swoop!

Happy Valentines Day

I spent my valentines divided by time with each of these people whom I dearly love.  Peter and I went out to lunch at PF Changs before he went to work at Papa Johns.  I told him what I wanted for Valentines was a selfie with him where he didn't try to shoot the bird. My attempts of a selfie of the two of us always end up in him adding that gesture.  So this is what I got for Valentines Day from Peter.

After taking Peter to work, I spent the evening with mom. We took care of her honey-do list for me and then we turned a left over Christmas gingerbread house into a Valentine's cottage. 

 It was just as fun as the Christmas one.  I have one more kit for Easter.  Meanwhile I will be on the lookout for more leftover gingerbread kits for Forth of July, Summer, Fall etc. We concluded our evening with Mexican take out and two episodes of Home Town on HGTV.  I am grateful for time spent with both of these very special people.

In the silence

Once again I have been blog silent.  Though the reason is mostly "just busy" primarily I have not thought I had anything valuable or inspiring to share.  But because some of you are kind and simply wondering what is going on, I will give a brief update.  

Peter began working at a local Papa John's Pizza January 25th.  He says it isn't hard work, it has been consistent and he's grateful for a job.  Being between my house and mom's I don't mind helping with transportation as well as I am glad he is away in the evenings. He is still hopeful believing he will be able to get car insurance once he saves up money.

I think it would benefit Peter to be connected with our local Avita - an outpatient mental health program.  I have made an initial phone call and it is a process for sure.  I need to overcome some dread and continue takings steps to try to get Peter connected as I believe it could be beneficial and offer him opportunity to manage his illness with more independence.

Mom has managed to steer clear of Covid thus far and is working on trying to get a vaccine.  This means phone calls and sitting on hold.  Monday she took a misstep and fell back.  Initial assessment was nothing broken or bleeding.  She has been experiencing some leg pain this week that makes walking "more cautious."  Figuring out which doctor to seek out is the current challenge.  

Monday my bible study girls all officially told me they weren't coming any more - too busy.  Won't lie, I took it personal and it hurt my feelings.  But I called a wise friend, hashed it out and got over myself. So now I am continuing to do homiletics on my own and asking God to bring other people along to share it with. And I pray for God to meet these girls where they are.

I have joined a group of pastoral counselors as a Child Life Coach.  I was invited by my friend and former counselor to pursue some training and be a resource for children and parents.  I now have an established self employed business but we are finding getting people to reach out and employ my services has not been as easy as thought.  I have seen one child and communicated with a few other parents who haven't booked appointments.  The truth is I don't really feel that qualified or equipped and who knows that may be the sabotage.  Though I have some "life coach" training I am really pursuing more learning regarding helping children.  There is a stack of books on the side table now.  But I am not a student who loves reading to learn so it isn't coming easy.  I do believe this is something I am to pursue and that God has and will equip me to do it. So I move forward in the belief.

Periodically my body rebels, it says it doesn't want to do the things I want it to do.  It comes in the form of fatigue and aches.  It has been ongoing and connected to auto immune issues most likely.  This week I have experienced it knocking on the door.  I am working on inviting it in for it's God-refining purpose while seeking to do what I need to, to send it on it's way.

In addition, I am plowing through a Vegetarian cookbook, a gift from Dora trying new recipes and trying to regain a healthy eating lifestyle.   I am reducing facebook and phone time as part of a Social Media Fast.  Oh and yes, I am enjoying my storehouse of Color Street nail strips I acquired as a result of supportive friends to my birthday color street party.

So that's me today , and it's time for work.  Thank you for the ways you pray for me and my family.  Thanks for caring and listing to my petty stuff.  

Another Thankful List

So that last post was pretty emotional, huh?  Many have been kind to check on me and offer sympathy.  Thank you.  It means a lot.  I thought you would like to know that as emotions do, they ebbed and flowed and I am not feeling them  so intensely.  God has been gracious and  I will share a short list of things I have thanked him for in the past two days:

A friend who called and let me cry.

A fun and listening ear in my mentor and friend "Aunt Sue."

The friend who came by with a birthday basket - complete with new really cool water colors.

That friend shared her own messy parent/kid stuff and provided connections that may benefit Peter.

Peter has been doing things I ask of him at home as well as responding to suggestions about the car and jobs.

A cool brisk walk while talking on the phone Sunday.

Sunday was a non productive day and I was okay with it.

A little turn in a quilt with hot coffee on my porch swing.  I forgot how refreshing that space is until a friend reminded me.

I was inspired with an idea to promote my work as a Child Life Coach.

I had Monday off from work.

The bible study girls met earlier Monday so I could spend evening with mom.

Bible Study reminded me that the best miracle Jesus did for me was forgive my sins and give me his new life.  That in itself is perspective changing.

Mom and I have been discussing (with documentation from her diaries) my grandparents and their deaths.  (Much more enjoyable than that may sound.)

Mom's health has been good in spite of our exposing her to Covid in early December and her little heart flutter episode after Christmas.  In both cases I felt like we saw miracles.

Peter's lack of transportation gives us time together in the car . We have had some good conversations

I tried out my Air fryer and the butternut squash was good.

I used my new water colors to make cards and it refreshed my soul.

And I have some really GREAT friends who have reached out or prayed.

For all of this I am very grateful!

Emotional Tossing of Cookies

Today I am feeling a bit unsettled.  And I can't quite put my finger on it or explain it.  It is not  new and it is frequents on Sundays.  Today it feels considerably intense. I am going to try to process it out here a bit.  So brace yourself - or skip this one for that matter - because this could be choppy, emotional, disconnected and messy.

I will start with my pained heart for Peter.  I am watching him sit home alone every day watching TV and playing on his phone.  He can't drive anywhere and doesn't have a job. He wants a job and has been daily applying. From best I can tell, he has no "friends" communicating with him via his phone.  I see his Facebook post with no comments.  He is not unpleasant to be around and mentally is in a good place.  So it pains me to see his isolation.  I offer little nuggets of time and assistance but I am mom and it isn't the same as friends and co-workers.   I want to fix it and I can't.  So I grieve for what I see and then I get mad. 

I think of men who over the years have said they would come and take him to do this or  that, and never did.  There are those who after one attempt and when Peter did not show much enthusiasm never tried again.  There are those that offered "things" when what he needed was people.  Now in all fairness Peter has often been less than responsive.  I attribute that to a lot of wounds and baggage yet this has not made him easy.  I know that as an adolescent, my own summation was that Peter was just cold and materialistic.  Yet over the past couple of years as Peter has talked more to me, I have been made more aware of his vulnerable side and his want to "belong."  I recently learned that he always wanted a big birthday party.  He had been planning them in his head and it makes him now want to plan events for others. I had no idea. So as I have often said, he needs people willing to pursue him. And I get frustrated because I have seen little of it. I think of the church that kicked him out of Sunday School as a grade schooler because of his behavior.  There is the youth minister who said Peter needed to come to the youth activities for them to minister to them.  (I am paraphrasing but that was the gist.) Peter isn't a member of a church and currently has told me he only believes in what he sees and there is no proof for God. When I recently I told a deacon of a church this, his response was, well I need to talk with him.  But I don't think he really meant it because he didn't ask for how to get in touch with Peter. When peter was a little boy, church in Africa was 2 hours long and for an ADHD kid it was miserable.  In the US he was kicked out of Sunday School. That is to name  just 2 of the reasons Peter is not seeking help and solace in the Church.  And I wonder is the church seeking out the Peter's?  

Part of the pain in watching this with Peter, is we saw this similar thing with my brother. He wanted to be part of social groups but his disabilities often made him a lot of work to be around, sometimes even uncomfortable (if you were a single girl) and his inability to drive limited him.  We watched him deal with isolation and rejection.  And I know other friends that I believe to some degree are experiencing this isolation and loneliness.  Some of this exagerated by Covid but for many this isolation was happening even before.  And honestly I want to save them all.  And I can't.  In Peter's case, I can't be what I want him to have - a social network of friends outside of family.  So not only am I mad, I feel guilty.  I begin to think, am I doing what I want the church to do?  Are my expectations of others too much? Am I accusing people who are serving others just because I see Peter alone. Am I being a friend to the lonely?  Am I reaching out and pursuing the hard to love?

The other part of my unsettlement today is connected.  I feel the needs of others as well as my own expectations at home are so great that I don't know how to rest.  Even fun things like cooking or crafts can be draining as I "have to get them done."  I become paralyzed and find myself doing mindless non productive things like scrolling through Pinterest or watching YouTube videos.  Then I beat myself up for wasting time that could have been used productively even if that productively is suppose to be "rest" - like a nap, or reading, or sitting on my porch swing. Being productive is evidently a high priority and mark of success in my mind.  And when I think of spiritual resting - observing a Sabbath I feel like that means doing spiritual things like reading Christian books or the bible.  So I justify by "working" while listening to sermons or praise music. I feel like social activity - talking on the phone with a friend, writing a letter or even hanging with my mom are right and good Sabbath activities.  But as an introvert even they can be taxing at some point.  And when I am alone I feel like I need to work to get those things done that no one else is going to do. I can't find contentment in rest or work

I started a side hustle as a Child Life Coach when invited by a friend into her biblical counseling practice.  I have my business set up but no clients.  So I feel like I should be using this time to research and prepare - because I really don't feel qualified.  Or at least I should be busy marketing myself so I can have clients to pay the expenses of the business. Its another thing I need to be doing and yet not easy so its not getting done.  I feel like I waste time.  So I come to today where nothing is planned and tomorrow's holiday provides extra time and I am like "okay lets get stuff done!!!"  But I don't know where to start because I KNOW plenty will be left undone and I will feel defeated.  Then I tell myself it is Sunday - rest.  And I am like, "but I don't know how to rest!".

And there you have it, my muddled emotions and unrest - laid out before you like vomit on the rug.  I am sorry.  Now at this point I could delete this but I am not going to.  Sometimes we feel better after we throw up. Maybe you need to know that your not the only one that throws up sometimes.  Maybe I need to be vulnerable and let you know that I  know that I am a mess.  Maybe there is something in here you need to hear.

Now that I have emotionally tossed my cookies I am going to grab some spiritual  Pedialyte for refreshment  (all verses God brought my way today) and go spend 10 minutes in the cool air of the front porch.

Todays Spiritual Pedialyte

2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.

Psalm 139:7-10 Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? if I go up to the heavens you are there; if I make my bed in the depths you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."

Isiah 58:11 The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well watered garden like a spring whose waters never fail."

Peter Jan 9th

In our extremely troubling world, my little concerns and needs seem petty.  There are many with challenging situations I would consider so much worse than mine.  However I believe God cares about every individual including me.  I believe that my needs and concerns are not frivolous to him because I am his dear one.  I also know that in his grace, mercy and love he has provided people who love and support me and will pray for my needs.  Some of you are so faithful to pray for us - praying more faithfully for us than I am..  And certainly more than I pray for others.  I am always in awe of such people .  For those people I am extremely grateful and I share this little update.

Peter mentally seems to be stable - his best in the past year.  He actually was available for a phone appointment with his doctor yesterday without my having to be at the house to make it happen.  That is progress. He has some hard things to deal with and yet seems to be handling them with reason and acceptance.  Again for that I am grateful.

Peter's driving has been aggressive at best and he has been warned for 4 years.  After several speeding tickets and wrecks, he is at the place of basically being uninsurable.  It has come to his needing to trade his drivers license for an ID, surrender his car tags, and find a buyer for his car.  This needs to happen this week as it having an impact on my car insurance because he lives in my house.  He seemed willing yesterday but praying he will do the follow through needed without a struggle. 

Peter currently has an offer to work at a Race Track gas station however its location will be somewhat costly with using Lyft to get there.  Yesterday he was contacted by the Hospital (walking distance from our house) for a dishwasher job.  Though not glamorous he wants this job because it removes the transportation issue.  Peter has a phone interview for this job on Monday afternoon.

Peter switched health insurance Jan 1st.  The notice that I received yesterday for Peter's prescription indicated it was going to cost $250.  At the most we had paid $30 for this important medication.  So added to my to do list is to help him navigate this so we can get his medication into an affordable range.

Peter needs people (so I believe.) And of course I long for those people to speak truth and show kindness.  This week two people I know from my church helped Peter.  One  to discuss Peter's career interest and the other to help with a dead battery on his car.  I am extremely grateful for these people. It encouraged my mama heart that longs for my son to experience a loving and caring community, as I have so experienced.

No Judgement here

I confess I can be pretty judgmental.  I make judgements about people with expensive cars, fancy jewelry, handbags and clothing as well as basically anything I don't think I can afford.  I know its wrong.  The Bible says not to judge others by outward appearances.  But I know I do it a fair bit, often without even realizing it. I confess this to God frequently but surely not as often as needed.  Perhaps that is why I am a little embarrassed about this. 

I have been investing time and money in Color Street Nail products.  I affectionately call them my nail stickers but according to the website it is 100% nail polish strips that you apply with no dry time and smudging. And the nature of it allows you to have intricate designs without an art degree.  

For a little background and "justification" on my part. I haven't painted my fingernails in years and years, just my toe nails.  When my friend sent me a set of tie dye Color Street nail strips, I might have rolled my eyes.  I finally applied them because she was coming for a visit.  What a surprise to find how fun and uplifting the little design was. So I ordered a couple of other sets.  Then a friend was having a "party" and I bought more. Officially the term is a Nail Bar but I was raised on Tupperware so I call it a party and the nail stylist my dealer. Shortly after that a friend text telling me that she was ordering some and next thing you know I was ordering more. And an addiction was born.

Yes, I feel a bit guilty and embarrassed.  You remember I have the problem of judging people for spending money on things I consider non essential.   I judge myself on spending money on something for myself. So I justify.  I tell myself that I don't spend money on make up and my hair is low maintenance.  My clothes are all thrift store and clearance purchased. I buy discounted food and use coupons everywhere.  Even with Color Street I usually always use the buy 3 get one free deal so that there is a saving element involved.  Could the money I spend on Color Street be put in savings or sent to orphans?  Absolutely! None the less there is something about the silly things that just make me happy.  I love seeing my fancy little nails on my fingers. And they have such fun names!!  Currently I am wearing "Ice Ice Maybe."  Last week it was a mix of "Berlin it to Win it" and "Fort Worth It."   In the midst of Life's turmoil, worry and stress there is something cheerful about my pretty little fingernails. And in the scheme of things, the amount I spend is considerably lesser than many other stress relievers and pampering experiences I could choose. So I have decided at this point that as long as I am not neglecting other obligations, tossing a few dollars at this uplifting splurge is really ok.  No judgment.

Going back to having to be thrifty, I was motivated to have a Color Street Party when I saw this month's hostess gift.  Not one but two sets of a really pretty exclusive nail color called "life of the party."  Add to that the potential of other savings and  it IS my birthday month, I decided I would have a Color Street Nail Bar disguised as an online birthday party.  The event will take place via Facebook Thursday January 14th at 8:30 PM.  If you want to participate, and I haven't already sent you an invite, just let me know.. The event itself is following and commenting on active posting for about 30 minutes. There are prizes!  It can even be done while you are multitasking.  If the event does not appeal or you do not have Facebook, I have a link to Color Street that benefits me should you order. https://www.colorstreet.com/kimbarnett/party/2231739  

Let me clarify that I REALLY do not want anyone to feel pressure.  I don't want anyone buying something that they have no interest in nor the resources for.  And I am warning you, if you get started you may love it too and find yourself throwing yourself your own nail bar disguised as a "party."  Which ever way you go, there is no judgment here,