When the path appears to end

About a year ago I became so frustrated with parenting Peter that I began looking at boarding school options.  After a fair amount of research and a few counseling sessions, I stopped looking and decided to just "hang on for the ride." However this winter,  Riverside Military Academy (located just two miles from my house) kept being placed before me in conversations.  Several times someone asked me if I had considered it for Peter.  My general response was that I didn't have that kind of money ($30,000 a year for boarding students or $18,000 for a day student.) And the response I would receive was that I shouldn't let that stop me.  Around that time, I also came across two sets of parents who sent their sons to the school and were glad that they had. There came a point in which I sensed that God was leading me to look at this school as an option for Peter. So with my bible study group praying each step of the way for me to take the needed action, I began the journey.  I started by working up the nerve to make the call to the school to see if it was absolutely absurd for someone of my income to apply.  The response I received was that  it didn't hurt to apply for admission, then if accepted I could apply for financial aide.  I filled out the application this spring and was surprised when Peter was accepted without an interview.  Next I proceeded by filling out the lengthy form for financial aid.   Yesterday I was told that Peter has been awarded  approximately half tuition. It is substantial, none the less I do not have the needed remaining money. After taking step after step as it unfolds, I have come to a place where I don't see a next step.  It is one thing to say  "if this is what God intends, he will make it happen," then go do something towards the goal.  It is another thing to say it and not see anything that you can do.  So I guess now I just wait. I figure I am either waiting for a miracle or waiting for peace to come that this is far as this journey goes.

Why?

I ran a 5K yesterday.  It was an out and back, up and down some crazy hills.  My time was slower than I have been recently clocking but considering the hills, I was pleased. And to my surprise I came home with a Silver medal in my age division.  Turning 45 has its perks in the running world because I am now in the 45-49 age bracket and yesterday was my third medal this spring.  It also pays to find races that have few runners. In April I brought home my first medal when I placed 3rd out of 3 people in my age division.  It was a real surprise when a few weeks later I received third place and there was actually more than 3 people in my age division. I was actually third yesterday but the person who took first was so fast that she  took first place Master, bumping me up to 2nd.   It is all kind of fun but here is what I keep wondering . . . .

• Why do I feel the need to emphasize that when I got my first third place medal, there was only 3 people in my age division?
• Why do I feel the need to emphasize that when I got the second medal, the race was full of people simply supporting the cause thus the competition wasn't fierce?
• Why do I need to tell you that I really didn't take second place but third yesterday?
• Why do I need to tell you that these are small races thus getting a medal doesn't mean that much?
• Why do I always feel like it isn't that big of a deal because I am not really fast in comparison to many? In fact looking at yesterdays stats, I was number 58 out of 107 participants. Yesterday I averaged a 11.29 minute mile.  (My fastest is 11 minute mile.) Why do I need to tell you that?  Why do I want to tell you that one guy was walking with a cane so my being faster than him doesn't really count?
• Why do I feel like somehow I didn't really earn the medals and it is no big deal?
• Why do I struggle to celebrate my accomplishments?

I don't know exactly.  I do know that this same thing happens in other areas of my life. And I am not exactly sure how to change it but I guess recognition is the first step.

So yeah me -I got up at 5:30 on a Saturday morning so I could run a 5K (3.2 miles).  I got a bright yellow T-shirt to prove it.  And I got a silver medal too!!!!  I will choose to believe the following quotes and try - really try to stop making disclaimers about my victories, whatever they may be!

"Whether it is a 7 minute mile or a 14 minute mile, it is still a mile."

"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch."

My Front Porch

My house is small.  The kitchen is extremely lacking in counter space and has no dishwasher.  I have to pull out the dryer, blocking the back door to get it to dry clothes efficiently. There is no central heating or air conditioning. The awkward bedroom arrangement requires Peter to go though my bedroom into the bathroom to get  to his bedroom. There are some challenges with this little old house.  Of course there are some concessions.  I live in a great location in the center of town. The house is owned by friends and the rent price is amazing for the location. I live in an area that has great places for running. There is a yard that is big enough but not too big. The yard has a variety of beautiful foliage planted by previous owners. There are great neighbors on one side and a park on the other.  My neighbors have two huge, deep voiced dogs which provide a free security system.  The house is old so it has character and it was renovated a few years back so it is not falling apart.  But the best part, the gift of my house, is the front porch.

The front porch is the same size as the living room.  It has a quaint white rail around it flanked by a variety of beautiful foliage which gives it some privacy. The porch is roomy enough that I have a farm table and chairs plus a rod iron glider love seat on the porch. String lights flank the porch ceiling giving it an inviting glow when I come home in the evening.  I take great delight in adding seasonal decorations to the front door and table. Recently I added a new piece.  During a furniture rearrangement in the house, I carried my retro reclining lounge chair out to the porch. This lovely piece which I guess dates back to the 1960's was a yard sale find of $10 (which included delivery to my house.) I was afraid that it was going to have to be given away when I received the gift of new "used" furniture. However I decided that maybe it could stay on the porch.  Fortunately this indoor recliner is unique enough  that I don't think it makes the porch look like a place Bubba and his buddies would hang out and have beers.  Adding this chair has made the gift of my porch even better.  In the morning I can have my quiet time in my recliner, peering at the tree tops and listening to the morning sounds around me.  In the afternoon I can catch a cat nap in my chair.  And in the evening I can read a book in the glow of the mood lighting and listen to the evening sounds.  

As I sit out here this morning my mind goes in a variety of directions.  I feel guilt over unfinished task, parenting decisions, and things I would rather do than pray.  I think about how delightful my porch is this morning and I even feel guilt over that.  (For some reason guilt and shame seem to always be close at hand.) I feel guilty that I complain about things and am not grateful enough for this house and this porch.  Crazy I know.  So as I was sitting here, wrestling with my thoughts, something happened.  All of the sudden I saw this porch as a gift of love.  Yes life is hard.  Yes I am a sinner who is known for poor choices.  Yes I don't show undivided attention to God who sent Jesus to die for my sins.  Yet he loves me. GOD LOVES ME.  He sent Jesus to take upon all my guilt and he gave me this porch.  Sitting on my porch, I feel  really loved.  Shame and guilt, go play in the park because right now I am enjoying the gift from my heavenly father.  I am enjoying my porch and I am knowing that in spite of it all, I am loved.

Eye Twitches

Okay so I have noticed that my eye gets to twitching sometimes.  It is kind of weird but not really alarming.  Of course being the hypochondriac that I am, I have considered a variety of possible ailments.  But knowing that I am a bit of a hypochondriac, I also am pretty certain that it is none of them.  Comparing eye twitches to my current state of affairs has led me to conclude that they are onset by fatigue and stress. The eye twitching is helpful in that it helps me be more aware of how I am being affected by both of these.  Well today my eye started twitching in a crazy way! Yes I stayed up late and got up early. But it was the news that I received that really got it going.  I learned today that Peter has been accepted into the Military Academy without needing to have an interview.  Wow.  Now I don't have to figure out how to get him to an interview or worry about him sabotaging it.  But now the next step is to apply for financial aid and see what happens.  Being one step closer to the possibility of him actually going caused a whirling of  "what ifs" and anxiety.  Thus my eye was twitching.  It has calmed down as I have prayed and conducted a fair amount of self talk.  Considering it probably won't be the last twitch over this issue I thought I would share with you.  I appreciate prayers for the next step of seeking out scholarship as well as God's confirmation if this is indeed where he is to go.

One person's to-do list, another person's treasure map

So we were playing outside at school today.  A child from another class was running around with a piece of paper in his hand.  He was talking about his Treasure Map and how he was looking for treasure. First I was amused at his imagination and enthusiasm.  Then I thought that treasure map looked somewhat familiar.  I made a comment to my co-work about what he had.  She said that it was a sticky note, someone's list.  I responded with "I think it is my to-do list."  She inquired if I was going to Publix?  Yep, the little fella's treasure map was my to-do list that had evidently fallen out of my pocket.  When asked if I needed to retrieve it, I said no.  So often I never actually look at the to-do list anyway.  Yet having my to-do list become a treasure map made for a good excuse if things went undone.  So I may not have gotten everything needed done today yet I can take heart in knowing that someone else did enthusiastically search for treasure.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's day.  A number of folks have sent text or greeted me with "Happy Mother's Day."  I appreciate the sentiment but I need to be honest.  "Happy" is typically not how I feel on Mother's Day.  I blame it on marketing and media who promote the day.   Mother's day is promoted by pictures of adoring children with their mothers, husbands helping children surprise Mom, as well as elaborate gifts of flowers or jewelry being given from grown children to their mothers.  The images that marketing companies use to promote the day are filled with smiles, bright colors, and peace.  I find this contradictory to my own experience.  On Mother's day, I tend to simply cry and feel sad.

My very first mother's day with  Peter, just a a few months after bringing him home to live with me was a nightmare.  There was lots of kicking and screaming and tears.  And pretty much since then, Mother's day has been filled with his acts of rejection.  In addition, there is no dad telling him "be nice to your mother, it's mother's day."  And as for my own mother, my little token gifts seem so insignificant and create feelings of failure at being unable to really show her my appreciation.  Then I think about others as well.  I see mother's who are watching their children suffer for various reasons.  I have friends who so desire to be mothers yet are not.  My friend recently lost her husband and is "celebrating" her first single mother's day.   Every time someone says, Happy Mother's day, I think, "really??"

Okay, so before you start preparing your lecture for me, let me say I am not against Mother's day.  I am so grateful that there is a day that holds me accountable to make sure that my mom knows that I love and appreciate her.  I also really am grateful for people who acknowledge my role as a mother.  It's the "happy" that I have problems with. Being a mother has little to do with being happy.  In my experience, it is painful, sacrificial, intense, consuming and exhausting.  And that often overflows even into the day set aside to celebrate motherhood.  When someone says "happy mother's day," images from the media flash in my head, and my experience just comes up so short.  Then I feel cheated. Sometimes I cry. 

So in case you are thinking this as well, I am not against motherhood either  Motherhood is an extreme honor.  I often thank God for the privilege because it gives me a glimpse of his heart for his children.  For me specifically, being a mother was a calling.  I believed God asked me to be Peter's mother.  I chose to be his mother when he was four years old and motherless.  Daily I experience the frailty of my ability to do the job. Therefore daily I am reminded of my dependence upon God for the role.  And with that I can know joy.  In the midst of the job of mothering, there are times of mommy bliss.  In my personal story they are jewels treasured for their rarity. 

I have come to the end of my rambling and not sure I have a great conclusion.  Now I just have the fear that no one will ever say "Happy Mother's Day" to me again.  Surely that's not what I want.  Maybe we could just start a new trend.  Instead of Happy Mother's Day, maybe we could say something like," Joyous Mother's Day." or "Go Mom Go," or " "Congratulations, you made it through another year without beating your kid."  Or maybe simply "Thank you."

So to all you moms on this day I say, "Thank you for what you do."

Spring Time

I know I said I was going to write a weekly post and it has been almost three since I last wrote one.  Blame it on Spring Time.  With Spring comes "end of the school year" projects and reports.  Typically Peter is usually even more high maintenance than usual. For some reason social activities seem to be on the rise during Spring. As a result, I tend to experience "overload" paralysis. Then of course there is the usual "unexpected." (last year I had a kidney stone!)

So these are this year's events that you could call excuses but I will call my blogging "Spring Break."  In addition to trying to explain the absence, I use them as a way of letting you know of things in which you could pray for us.

• Friday May 17 is the last day with kiddos at my school. Before their departure I have paperwork to  organize, 6 training hours to complete, individual scrapbooks to compile, parent gifts to finish, Our Favorite music CD's to put together, thank you gifts to make, plus teach 6 more days to crazy children who know the end is near!  I will work a couple of post plan days the following week and anticipate working mornings throughout the summer in my school's three week summer program as well as at another preschool. 
• I added an extra night to my second job.  I now work at the Family Life Center (a church sponsored, family gym) Tuesday and Friday nights and every other Saturday afternoon.
• I turned in an application for Peter to attend a Military School  2 miles from our home. I am anticipating a call for his interview. He does not want to go nor do I have money for the tuition.  (The tuition is more than I take home in a year.) However, I felt very compelled to investigated it.  There is possibility of scholarship and I think it would be beneficial for Peter if it was to all come together. I decided to just take it one step at a time and see what happens.  Next step is to get him to the interview!
• Meanwhile Peter is training for the 9th grade football team at the local high school.  He attends early morning weight training and afternoon practices. Considering his fondness for camping on the couch the rest of the time, I am grateful for the diversion. And oh yes we are selling coupon books to raise money for football gloves and summer football camp.
• I am running 5K's (actually got a medal a couple of weeks ago.  I placed third in my age division!  I was 3rd out of 3! ) I also have a spot in the Peachtree Road Race, a little 10K (6.4 miles) with about 60,000 participants in Atlanta on July 4th.  After the Boston Marathon incident I keep telling myself I need to make sure I get my will made up before then!  Also bought myself a running ID bracelet.  Doesn't hurt to be prepared!
• Less than two weeks after my parent's return from Hawaii, my brother fell and broke his hip.  He spent 4 days in the hospital and has been in a transition rehab facility since last Saturday.  Fortunately he is not too far from my house.  Mom carries the load of his care but I am trying to make frequent appearances.

That's what's going on in a nutshell.   Hope to have more entertaining post in the near future.  Meanwhile here is a picture of me and my "big win."