My Front Porch

My house is small.  The kitchen is extremely lacking in counter space and has no dishwasher.  I have to pull out the dryer, blocking the back door to get it to dry clothes efficiently. There is no central heating or air conditioning. The awkward bedroom arrangement requires Peter to go though my bedroom into the bathroom to get  to his bedroom. There are some challenges with this little old house.  Of course there are some concessions.  I live in a great location in the center of town. The house is owned by friends and the rent price is amazing for the location. I live in an area that has great places for running. There is a yard that is big enough but not too big. The yard has a variety of beautiful foliage planted by previous owners. There are great neighbors on one side and a park on the other.  My neighbors have two huge, deep voiced dogs which provide a free security system.  The house is old so it has character and it was renovated a few years back so it is not falling apart.  But the best part, the gift of my house, is the front porch.

The front porch is the same size as the living room.  It has a quaint white rail around it flanked by a variety of beautiful foliage which gives it some privacy. The porch is roomy enough that I have a farm table and chairs plus a rod iron glider love seat on the porch. String lights flank the porch ceiling giving it an inviting glow when I come home in the evening.  I take great delight in adding seasonal decorations to the front door and table. Recently I added a new piece.  During a furniture rearrangement in the house, I carried my retro reclining lounge chair out to the porch. This lovely piece which I guess dates back to the 1960's was a yard sale find of $10 (which included delivery to my house.) I was afraid that it was going to have to be given away when I received the gift of new "used" furniture. However I decided that maybe it could stay on the porch.  Fortunately this indoor recliner is unique enough  that I don't think it makes the porch look like a place Bubba and his buddies would hang out and have beers.  Adding this chair has made the gift of my porch even better.  In the morning I can have my quiet time in my recliner, peering at the tree tops and listening to the morning sounds around me.  In the afternoon I can catch a cat nap in my chair.  And in the evening I can read a book in the glow of the mood lighting and listen to the evening sounds.  

As I sit out here this morning my mind goes in a variety of directions.  I feel guilt over unfinished task, parenting decisions, and things I would rather do than pray.  I think about how delightful my porch is this morning and I even feel guilt over that.  (For some reason guilt and shame seem to always be close at hand.) I feel guilty that I complain about things and am not grateful enough for this house and this porch.  Crazy I know.  So as I was sitting here, wrestling with my thoughts, something happened.  All of the sudden I saw this porch as a gift of love.  Yes life is hard.  Yes I am a sinner who is known for poor choices.  Yes I don't show undivided attention to God who sent Jesus to die for my sins.  Yet he loves me. GOD LOVES ME.  He sent Jesus to take upon all my guilt and he gave me this porch.  Sitting on my porch, I feel  really loved.  Shame and guilt, go play in the park because right now I am enjoying the gift from my heavenly father.  I am enjoying my porch and I am knowing that in spite of it all, I am loved.

Eye Twitches

Okay so I have noticed that my eye gets to twitching sometimes.  It is kind of weird but not really alarming.  Of course being the hypochondriac that I am, I have considered a variety of possible ailments.  But knowing that I am a bit of a hypochondriac, I also am pretty certain that it is none of them.  Comparing eye twitches to my current state of affairs has led me to conclude that they are onset by fatigue and stress. The eye twitching is helpful in that it helps me be more aware of how I am being affected by both of these.  Well today my eye started twitching in a crazy way! Yes I stayed up late and got up early. But it was the news that I received that really got it going.  I learned today that Peter has been accepted into the Military Academy without needing to have an interview.  Wow.  Now I don't have to figure out how to get him to an interview or worry about him sabotaging it.  But now the next step is to apply for financial aid and see what happens.  Being one step closer to the possibility of him actually going caused a whirling of  "what ifs" and anxiety.  Thus my eye was twitching.  It has calmed down as I have prayed and conducted a fair amount of self talk.  Considering it probably won't be the last twitch over this issue I thought I would share with you.  I appreciate prayers for the next step of seeking out scholarship as well as God's confirmation if this is indeed where he is to go.

One person's to-do list, another person's treasure map

So we were playing outside at school today.  A child from another class was running around with a piece of paper in his hand.  He was talking about his Treasure Map and how he was looking for treasure. First I was amused at his imagination and enthusiasm.  Then I thought that treasure map looked somewhat familiar.  I made a comment to my co-work about what he had.  She said that it was a sticky note, someone's list.  I responded with "I think it is my to-do list."  She inquired if I was going to Publix?  Yep, the little fella's treasure map was my to-do list that had evidently fallen out of my pocket.  When asked if I needed to retrieve it, I said no.  So often I never actually look at the to-do list anyway.  Yet having my to-do list become a treasure map made for a good excuse if things went undone.  So I may not have gotten everything needed done today yet I can take heart in knowing that someone else did enthusiastically search for treasure.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's day.  A number of folks have sent text or greeted me with "Happy Mother's Day."  I appreciate the sentiment but I need to be honest.  "Happy" is typically not how I feel on Mother's Day.  I blame it on marketing and media who promote the day.   Mother's day is promoted by pictures of adoring children with their mothers, husbands helping children surprise Mom, as well as elaborate gifts of flowers or jewelry being given from grown children to their mothers.  The images that marketing companies use to promote the day are filled with smiles, bright colors, and peace.  I find this contradictory to my own experience.  On Mother's day, I tend to simply cry and feel sad.

My very first mother's day with  Peter, just a a few months after bringing him home to live with me was a nightmare.  There was lots of kicking and screaming and tears.  And pretty much since then, Mother's day has been filled with his acts of rejection.  In addition, there is no dad telling him "be nice to your mother, it's mother's day."  And as for my own mother, my little token gifts seem so insignificant and create feelings of failure at being unable to really show her my appreciation.  Then I think about others as well.  I see mother's who are watching their children suffer for various reasons.  I have friends who so desire to be mothers yet are not.  My friend recently lost her husband and is "celebrating" her first single mother's day.   Every time someone says, Happy Mother's day, I think, "really??"

Okay, so before you start preparing your lecture for me, let me say I am not against Mother's day.  I am so grateful that there is a day that holds me accountable to make sure that my mom knows that I love and appreciate her.  I also really am grateful for people who acknowledge my role as a mother.  It's the "happy" that I have problems with. Being a mother has little to do with being happy.  In my experience, it is painful, sacrificial, intense, consuming and exhausting.  And that often overflows even into the day set aside to celebrate motherhood.  When someone says "happy mother's day," images from the media flash in my head, and my experience just comes up so short.  Then I feel cheated. Sometimes I cry. 

So in case you are thinking this as well, I am not against motherhood either  Motherhood is an extreme honor.  I often thank God for the privilege because it gives me a glimpse of his heart for his children.  For me specifically, being a mother was a calling.  I believed God asked me to be Peter's mother.  I chose to be his mother when he was four years old and motherless.  Daily I experience the frailty of my ability to do the job. Therefore daily I am reminded of my dependence upon God for the role.  And with that I can know joy.  In the midst of the job of mothering, there are times of mommy bliss.  In my personal story they are jewels treasured for their rarity. 

I have come to the end of my rambling and not sure I have a great conclusion.  Now I just have the fear that no one will ever say "Happy Mother's Day" to me again.  Surely that's not what I want.  Maybe we could just start a new trend.  Instead of Happy Mother's Day, maybe we could say something like," Joyous Mother's Day." or "Go Mom Go," or " "Congratulations, you made it through another year without beating your kid."  Or maybe simply "Thank you."

So to all you moms on this day I say, "Thank you for what you do."

Spring Time

I know I said I was going to write a weekly post and it has been almost three since I last wrote one.  Blame it on Spring Time.  With Spring comes "end of the school year" projects and reports.  Typically Peter is usually even more high maintenance than usual. For some reason social activities seem to be on the rise during Spring. As a result, I tend to experience "overload" paralysis. Then of course there is the usual "unexpected." (last year I had a kidney stone!)

So these are this year's events that you could call excuses but I will call my blogging "Spring Break."  In addition to trying to explain the absence, I use them as a way of letting you know of things in which you could pray for us.

• Friday May 17 is the last day with kiddos at my school. Before their departure I have paperwork to  organize, 6 training hours to complete, individual scrapbooks to compile, parent gifts to finish, Our Favorite music CD's to put together, thank you gifts to make, plus teach 6 more days to crazy children who know the end is near!  I will work a couple of post plan days the following week and anticipate working mornings throughout the summer in my school's three week summer program as well as at another preschool. 
• I added an extra night to my second job.  I now work at the Family Life Center (a church sponsored, family gym) Tuesday and Friday nights and every other Saturday afternoon.
• I turned in an application for Peter to attend a Military School  2 miles from our home. I am anticipating a call for his interview. He does not want to go nor do I have money for the tuition.  (The tuition is more than I take home in a year.) However, I felt very compelled to investigated it.  There is possibility of scholarship and I think it would be beneficial for Peter if it was to all come together. I decided to just take it one step at a time and see what happens.  Next step is to get him to the interview!
• Meanwhile Peter is training for the 9th grade football team at the local high school.  He attends early morning weight training and afternoon practices. Considering his fondness for camping on the couch the rest of the time, I am grateful for the diversion. And oh yes we are selling coupon books to raise money for football gloves and summer football camp.
• I am running 5K's (actually got a medal a couple of weeks ago.  I placed third in my age division!  I was 3rd out of 3! ) I also have a spot in the Peachtree Road Race, a little 10K (6.4 miles) with about 60,000 participants in Atlanta on July 4th.  After the Boston Marathon incident I keep telling myself I need to make sure I get my will made up before then!  Also bought myself a running ID bracelet.  Doesn't hurt to be prepared!
• Less than two weeks after my parent's return from Hawaii, my brother fell and broke his hip.  He spent 4 days in the hospital and has been in a transition rehab facility since last Saturday.  Fortunately he is not too far from my house.  Mom carries the load of his care but I am trying to make frequent appearances.

That's what's going on in a nutshell.   Hope to have more entertaining post in the near future.  Meanwhile here is a picture of me and my "big win." 

God sets the lonely in families

When dad announced his plans for taking mom to Hawaii for 3 weeks, Mom and I both knew I was going to need help to manage the homestead.  The first week when Peter and I were out of school would be fine.  But the question was how I was going to get everyone everywhere and everything done once school resumed.  After thinking and praying my mom contacted my cousin Dale (who lives 16 hours away) about coming to take care of Larry for the last two weeks of their vacation.

I confess that I had my apprehensions. I am the youngest of the 16 cousins on my mother's side and my brother and I grew up states away from the others.  My "cousin" memories are typically fun however they are few.  My immediate family has been pretty much a "take care of ourselves" kind of unit.  Though I had great memories of Dale from childhood and even had visited in his home a few years ago, I wasn't sure what it would be like to have him come.  How would it be to have someone come into my parents home for two weeks and essentially do what I would typically do.  I was almost more nervous about having Dale help than having to manage it on my own. What a surprise Dale's coming has been.

I learned that God gave Dale a servants heart.  And people like that are truly happy when serving.  He really seems like he is having fun taking care of, cooking for and bantering with Larry.  They act like two little kids at times and it is fun to watch.  Dale is a good cook and Peter and I have been invited to share in the bounty. Dale has provided a good balance as I am involved but not having to take care of all the details of Larry's care.

Perhaps the biggest surprise was how much I have enjoyed being with Dale.  He has had a variety of life experiences including one that almost took his life a few years ago.  He is very welcoming and has a home that is very open to those in need.  Being 13 years my senior he also has stories of a grandpa I never knew. Dale has this fabulous big laugh and gives great bear hugs.

Sometimes I feel alone.  Extended family has always been far away.  I have just one brother who cannot provide emotional support.  My one child rejects me on a daily basis.  This time with my cousin has helped me not to feel so alone.  He keeps assuring me that he is one phone call and a 16 hour drive away if we need him.  I have always been fond of the verse Psalm 68:6 "God sets the lonely in families." I have seen God do that numerous times by giving my "family" through friends.  A few years ago God brought me back to live near my immediate family.  And once again he has given me family with my very own extended family. 

Tonight . . . .

I am grateful for:

• I am grateful for the change of pace that Spring Break brought. 
• I am grateful to resume a routine tomorrow.
• I am grateful for my cousin Dale who came from Kansas to stay with my brother for the remainder of mom and dad's Hawaii trip.
• I am grateful that Netflix didn't work last night so that instead of staying up too late (again) I turned off my computer and got needed sleep.
• I am grateful for friends near and far and a new( better working) cell phone that connects us.

I am challenged by:

• I am starting over with healthy disciplined eating (again) after over indulging with Easter Candy. 
• I am struggling to understand, accept, and trust changes happening within my church.
• I am filling out Peter's application  for a Military School that I can't afford, believing it is the next step.
• I am bracing for Peter's tantrum tomorrow due to choices he made today.
• I am trying to adjust to wearing bifocals.
• I am hoping that my dear 3 and 4 year olds are not as crazy after Spring Break as they were before.
• I am  telling myself that morning will come quickly and it is time to go to bed.

• I am praying that I might truly seek God's heart in all these things so that He might be honored.