Peter went to the Good News At Noon Clinic yesterday and it is an option for him. Its a really nice facility. Many of the volunteers as well as the director, go to my church It really seems to provide what he needs - food, shelter, a case worker, therapeutic help, help getting a job, access to the mental health facility - and it is free. But Peter sees it at the cost of his dignity and he is not there yet. For the first 3 months, the participants don't work - they are working on themselves while being provided for. Peter said he couldn't "not work" for 3 months - he said no to the opportunity. But I don't think three months not working is the real issue. Later he said "mom you saw those people, I don't belong there. I am not homeless." I told him that he had no place to live, no car, no money and no job,. That qualifies him as homeless.. But he doesn't see it. My friend was told that the door was not closed to him - he can go back Monday afternoon if he wants. But he has to want it, he has to cooperate.
And what will it take to get him to want it? I am thinking Desperation. That requires my not enabling. Since, even if he had agreed to the program, he could not have entered until Monday, I got him a cheap dumpy hotel room through Monday morning and gave him $40. No he wasn't happy. He did go with mom and I on errands today when we dropped off a couple of needed items. And he was pleasant enough. Considering the heat and storms today, it is easier on me knowing he has shelter this weekend. The big question is can I let him go into Monday with no where to sleep that night? Deep down I know that is what needs to happen, But in my flesh, I am wondering if I can follow through
I wrestle with the whole idea of my letting him stay here to keep him from being homeless. And I am sure there are some of you that may think I am being uncompassionate to not let him. But here is the truth, mental illness or not, for 20 years under my roof, nothing has really changed. Peter manipulates and intimidates me to get what he wants from me. I saw it yesterday as he turned it off and on based on what he thought he could get from me. In my great empathy for him and desire to see him safe, well and happy, I have sacrificed, coddled and walked eggshells for him. But it hasn't really helped him. During the Mental Health support groups I have been participating in, there has been a lot of talk about advocating for our loved ones with Mental Health. I don't think of advocating as letting someone be without food and shelter Yet in spite of what it looks like, I believe at this time advocating for Peter means exactly that, ceasing to enable him and kicking him out of the nest. Though I am sure it may look like I am pushing him away, I am really pushing him toward the place he can get help. Hopefully someday he will see that.
So at this point here are things I am praying for:
- that the current heat and storms will have Peter consider what it will mean to have no roof come Monday.
- that Peter will believe me when I say, no more
- that I will have the courage to hold my ground even if it is excruciatingly painful.
- that I will sleep even if I don't know where Peter is.
- that Peter will willingly choose Good News at Noon, they will indeed take him, and he will be willing to stick it out getting the needed support he needs
- that Peter will faithfully take his meds and it will be effective
- that there will be no gaps in provision. now that he is uninsured
- that Peter will get needed help with managing medical bills, getting Medicaid, SSI and what ever other paper work help.
- And as always in this process Peter will experience spiritual and emotional healing that only knowing how much Jesus loves him can give him.
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