This one might be a bit long but it's for those who like the details, and for me to get it all out of my head!!
The past few days I have been thinking about Jesus' family and friends during the crucifixion and all that led up to it. It had to be excruciating, exhausting, confusing and gut wrenching as they watched with no ability to stop, change or really even understand the events unfolding. Yet as believers, we know that incredibly hard (such an understatement, right!) experience had effect that we will glory in for eternity.
It feels like I am making Jesus' death and resurrection small to compare it to my own experience with Peter, However, I do think there are similarities of grief that stirs up so many emotions. I will try to recap the last few days and how I can see the crisis may be used as a turning point for good.
So .....without my knowledge. Peter was released from the hospital on Tuesday returning to his apartment. We spoke on the phone and his manner indicated to me that he wasn't really in a healthy space. I learned that they gave him a long acting shot as well as 2 prescriptions. The one prescription was a duplicate of the shot. When I later inquired of the doctor, she said it takes time for the shot to activate so he would continue to take the pill for three weeks. The other pill had another function. Now what is interesting is that they gave the shot because I believe they understood his non compliance in taking medication. Yet they sent him home on it knowing it wouldn't be effective without the pills that I imagine they suspected he would not take. And again they released him to himself. He acted like he didn't even know they sent him home with a prescription that needed filling. And while I am discussing meds and expressing a little anx over this whole subject, let me also say this. I received notice his next shot was ready to be picked up from the pharmacy. He is scheduled to take it to the psychiatry nurse to receive it on the 19th. The cost of that one 2 week shot showed up as $1200. It is requiring jumping through multiple hoops to find out what the insurance will cover. Do I need to say again he can't afford rent. It the cost is anywhere near that say even $100, its a no go!
Wednesday I picked him up to run a few errands, with picking up his prescriptions one of them. Again his manner was not what I consider his normal healthy. He was unable to listen to reason or my statements of truth. He told me he didn't need meds and I could get the prescription but he was going to throw them away. So whether right or wrong, I decided to take him home and go to my bible study as originally planned instead of skipping it to get his meds and food. I did turn the prescription in that evening and was told it would be ready Thursday.
I had an extremely full day scheduled on Thursday from early morning until evening that I could not easily adjust. I did talk with him and brought him dinner on my way home seeing him for about 1 minute. Again he was "ok" but I was still concerned. I was unable to pick up his prescription at the pharmacy but set aside time Friday afternoon to get Peter, take him on a couple of errands which included picking up his meds.
Friday around noon, Peter had walked to the mall where I met him. When he stopped by the sunglass booth to buy sunglasses I had a feeling. Not sure what it is all about, but there is often a connection between Peter's mental state and his buying and wearing new Sunglasses. Crazy I know. We picked up lunch, and took it to the downtown square to eat. There was some conflict over where we would sit so we actually sat in different spaces to eat. I know it sounds petty but again it was an indicator something was amiss and I just wasn't going to be bullied. After eating I went to join him where he was. He began to talk to me and seeing the intensity in his eyes, I knew he was there. Peter was in a psychotic episode.
I won't go in to all the details of the next hour but he expressed a good bit of anger with me. He never attempted to hurt me but was very aggressive with his words and volume. I was working on getting him back to his apartment with the plan to call the Police to do a wellness check on him after I dropped him off. Before I could get him there, he began saying he wanted to end his life and I needed to make it happen. He was verbally aggressive and I gave him the choice of my dropping him at home or the hospital. Peter chose the hospital. He refused me to utter any words whatsoever or to get out of the car when we got to the Emergency Center. Emergency Center is the new upgraded name for Emergency Room. Someone felt life wasn't complicated enough already and we needed to change another habit. Now we go to the EC instead of the ER.
Because of his agitated state, I felt the need to warn the EC. So from my car I called 911. OF course by the time the dispatcher understood my request and had it deciphered into the system, Peter was probably already in a padded room. Ok I am kidding but it did take more time than TV indicates. About 10 minutes later I receive a call from police for me to meet an officer back at the EC. I met with an officer and a woman who introduced herself as a Mental Health Clinician. It took me awhile to realize she worked for the local government along side the police department and was not part of the hospital. After they ran a background check on me?, they proceeded to ask me what happened etc. And of course I told it all including how he was released from the hospital Tuesday unwell and unknown to me. I keep wanting people to know that!!
So then they proceeded to tell me what they knew. Evidently Peter is on THEIR watchlist. The office (who was very kind by the way) said he has had a least 4-5 encounters with Peter in the past few months. He did not give specifics nor did I ask but I don't think anything particularly criminal but enough to be aware of his mental instability. The officer said they had never pressed him for info on a contact and thus did not know how to reach anyone related to him. My 911 call now gave them a contact. The pair indicated that there is the possibility of trying to get him connected with AVITA - our local out patent, community mental health agency. Although I communicated that I had tried more than once and he had been denied due to insurance issues, the clinician said there were options she may be able to get him access to. She asked me for his hospital history during the past 6 months. I told her he had been in 2 times in the past 6 weeks. And her response was, "and it looks like he is on his third." So I have sent her all his mental health history of the past 3 years that I recently started compiling and am hopeful she will follow through.
I called to check on Peter this morning and was told by one person he is "fine." Isn't that funny - we know he is not fine. She passed me on to someone else who said he was refusing to communicate with anyone and therefore they could give me no information. She even said they could not accept his medical history documentation that I offered. If he is sent to the local mental health hospital (the one he just came out of) I will be able to follow up through his MyChart portal. However if sent elsewhere I will have no info. Unless Peter changes his mind, I am out of the loop.
It was an emotional crazy intense 4 hours yesterday. I think it can be classified as crisis. Yet I am hopeful that this crisis will lead to some real help. Here are some take aways from yesterday.
- I am so grateful that Peter moved out on his own in February - disconnecting himself from me. It has made his needs public. And since he must be costing the public some tax dollars, they appear to be taking action to help him. Again I can hope.
- Peter's anger with me yesterday confirmed that I am not wrong to maintain my stance that he is not to live with me. He verbalized that he did not hurt women or he would beat me. Though I was not nor am I afraid, I figured that was enough of a threat for me to say "nope" - not safe for him to live here.
- I am grateful to God for orchestrating even small details. I had a school project that took me into work at 5 AM yesterday allowing me time off yesterday afternoon to be with Peter. Mom had been unable to take him to lunch as he had inquired of her. I am glad he was with me and not her.
- As hard as it is to not have any "control or say" or sense of advocacy for Peter, there is also great relief at knowing I currently am forced out of responsibility or say. Once again knowing he is in a facility offers a sense of him being safe.
- Although I know mental illness is a medical problem, I was reminded yesterday that there is also a spiritual battle at play. The enemy has been after "this one" since I met him at a year and a half old. So though I am powerless in tangible actions, I have no doubt that praying for the power of the holy one to overcome the darkness in his life, is a powerful and effective act. Thank you to those who join me in this.
