Stuck

I picked Peter up from the bus station this morning.  He talked a little in the car before falling asleep.  He has spent most of the day in his room. 

Tonight I simply ask that you would continue to pray.  Peter and I both want him to have independence and the pathway to that is unclear.  In different ways I think we both feel "stuck." There doesn't appear to be many options.  I personally need clarity as to my role as well as really would like to find some kind of support in helping him (and me) discover options and navigate them .  

The Phone Call

Today there was no picture.  But a text for us to talk. So today I had a phone call from Peter

I listened to his circular thoughts for an hour.  I head things about possible modeling opportunity and wanting to be a garbage man.  And he realized he was running away and where ever he went he would have this problem.  He is gifted and perfect and he just wants to be an average guy.  He doesn't think he should stay in NY as it won't make him happy.  And he is NOT going to take medication but could I get him a bus ticket home. He said he could pay for it, just wanted my help getting it. He sounded down.

I purchased him a bus ticket for a trip home Saturday night.

I am gone tomorrow through Sunday afternoon.  And I don't what happens when I return home and Peter is there.

Peter is not taking medication.  Something I have said was requirement for living with me.

He has no job and isn't super hirable. And he can't figure out what job will make him happy.  (yes I told him no job would make him happy.)

He sold his car so is no longer independent.  I don't want to go back to being his chauffer.

He might have some money left from car sale but after NY adventure, not sure how much. I can't afford to support him.

Honest this return is harder for me than his going.  

So as you pray please continue to pray for his safety, sound mind, and salvation - and for the next step.  That I will know what I am to do.  Please pray for resources. 

Again a thousand times over, Thank you.

A picture a Day

So far Peter's communication has basically been through a picture a day.  It started with a picture from the bus journey on day one.

On day two, there was a view from his hotel room

And  upon my request of a picture for today I received this.

                                  

I am grateful for the photo a day report.  

I want to express my gratitude for your prayers and kind words.  It really has meant so much and has given me a lot of peace.  I also appreciate the offers to talk as well as the freedom not to.  I confess it isn't something I want or need to verbalize at this point.  

To be raw and honest, Peter's absence is a bit of a relief.  I am greatly concerned for his well being.  But I am not feeling responsible (because currently there is absolutely nothing I can do.)  And that for me is a big relief.  Responsibility is my Achilles heel.  I am very good at being responsible.  But sometimes it is to the point of being responsible for things that aren't mine to take on.   I feel a sense of responsibility to Peter all the time because he lives in my house.  I am always wondering what I should do to help him.  He is an adult but has proven to have some legitimate struggles so my question is constantly , "what do I need to do for him in this situation?"

I don't know that Peter is capable of living on his own  in NY but truthfully I wish he could.  I don't know that Gainesville has ever really felt like "home" for him and can see him possibly doing well there (except perhaps for the cold.) In addition I am presently weary from the journey and think our relationship would benefit from some distance.  I anticipate when he runs out of money in NY (few days from now) he will head home looking for help and I will once again  seek to figure out what my responsibility to and for him is.  I told you this was raw.  Meanwhile  I am tired - from the 20 year journey , the unknown of what's going on with him today and yes not going to bed early enough.  So thank you for understanding why I haven't called or texted back.

Currently my biggest problem is my kitchen.  I have spent the past few nights sitting on the couch instead of cleaning up the kitchen.  I am down to the last spoon and Peter isn't even here to blame it on!  So I must go deal with it.  I will continue to share updates here and PLEASE  know that I appreciate your prayers and concern for Peter more than I will EVER be able to express.

A picture from NY

Last night was quiet with no more pictures or text from the bus ride to NY.  It got quieter through out the day as I knew he was to arrive at 8 and my imagination was doing summersaults. I was beginning to wonder how long I was to wait before I did a missing person report for someone who left voluntarily. I sent a brief inquiry txt to him and there was more quiet.  His Facebook didn't tell me anything.  Remembering that I had access, I went into his e-mail account and found evidence that he was in NY and alive. About an hour later he sent a picture of the view from his hotel room. And once again I could breathe for awhile.

And my prayer continues - Oh Lord thank you for your mercy and Thy will be done.

I am grateful for your encouragement and prayers.

Tuesday Night Peter Update

Thank you for your kind responses and prayers today. Several of you have asked so I will give a brief update.  

In spite of Peters words last night that he wouldn't be in contact with me again, he asked me at 6:15 AM this morning if I wanted to go eat breakfast at a local bakery.  He has no car to get there so I was invited for my service.  I said yes and we went to breakfast..  When we got home for me to get ready for work he disappeared into his room and didn't respond to my knock on the door or text.  He was silent with me all day.

He did have lunch with mom .  She gave me updates saying he was quiet but answered her questions without complaint.  She took him home where he was getting a Lyft to Atlanta to catch the bus.  There was no word until 7:15 when I received a picture of a Trader Joes.  My favorite store.  I told him thanks and asked what city.  He said somewhere in SC.  I zoomed in and discovered it was MY Trader Joes in Greenville.  So he is on a bus headed north.  And that is what we know.

For those asking, I am doing well.  I am concerned of course.  I can think of lots of things that very likely could go wrong. So I work hard not to go there. My prayer all day has been "Thy Will be Done." I evaluated if there was anything I needed to do today to "stop" his plans and there was not.  He was not acting in a way that was a threat to himself nor others.  There was nothing I could do.  So I have just kept praying for him.  The thought hit me that GOD was way better at caring for Peter than I was anyway.  God has used me.  God can use others.  And it boils down to do I trust God.  

So thank you SO MUCH for your love and concern as well as your prayers however God leads you.  I will post updates here as I have them.

Feeling Needy of Prayer

 I know I am really bad about dropping off and coming back up to the surface when things aren't all I wish they were.  So here I am.  Not going to spend time apologizing. I also am not going to go into great details of the past 6 months.  But first let me establish - Mom is doing well.  My health has improved .  I love my new job and have MUCH that I am grateful for.

Peter started on a rollercoaster late summer following a change of medication due to Peter's excessive weight gain.  Another medication had other side effects that let to another change.  Mid fall I began to notice some behavior changes that were concerning.  This Fall the doctor made a couple of changes in response to my concerns in hopes of bringing Peter out of what appeared to be mania behaviors.  Meanwhile Peter was growing more frustrated with his job at the Hospital and after some threats, succeeded in quitting the hospital job  on the spot the first week of December.  Throughout December he started and quit two delivery jobs and eventually was driving for Door Dash in neighboring cities.  Last week he thought he had a Dominoes driving job here in Gainesville and they ended up not hiring him.  There are many reasons for which I will not go into that this is not surprising.  With that he began making plans that involved selling his car (which he concluded was the problem) so he would have money to go to New York to find a job and live where he doesn't need a car.  Peter's plans have changed regularly over the past many months .  I usually just hold on when I am warry of a plan knowing it will change. However this one has maintained for 4 days now.

On Thursday Peter decided he was selling the car and moving to New York.  I meanwhile worked with the Dr on Friday for a change of medication.  He was showing signs of rejecting his medicine (my requirement for staying here) over the past month and had skipped it a couple of days last week.  While I was away this weekend he did not take any of his meds and when I approached him last night with the new one he told me he wasn't taking any more meds and he was leaving soon.  Today he sold his car to a local car dealership.  His bags are packed and a bus ticket to New York was purchased tonight.  He also spent a good bit of time letting me know that I have been unsupportive and once he is moved up to New York I wont hear from him. Evidentially my lack of support has been a real hurt

I honestly believe he will get on the bus to NY. I can think of so many things that can go wrong (especially because he is bipolar with out medication.)  I am afraid for him and what he may endure.  I am sad for how lost he is (but doesn't know it) and the rejection he carries.  I am not trying to prevent his going though.  I don't know what the Lord has planned and I am scarred to think how painful his "best" may be - but mom and I have been praying Proverbs16;9 (that popped up in Friday's devotion) "The heart of a man plans his way but the LORD establishes his steps. "  I trust the Lord is establishing steps an pray the Lord will use other people and perhaps even a spiritual vision if necessary to reach Peter. 

The last month I have been praying for Peter's salvation, his safety, a sound mind and stability (of job etc) As the Lord leads I invite you to do the same.  For knowing that I am not alone in this is a great encouragement and comfort to me.  With much gratitude, Linda