Thanksgiving Morning

This summer would have been my 5th year volunteering at the Annual July 4th Peachtree Road Race (60,000 participant event in Atlanta). I ran it once but really love volunteering at it just as much. But as you can guess this year, thanks to Covid the race didn't happen.  It was postponed until today, Thanksgiving morning.  Then of course thanks to Covid, it became a virtual race.  I was given the opportunity to earn my volunteer shirt by doing some act of service.  Among the many options was  the suggestion to be a personal volunteer for someone running the virtual race.  That sounded way more fun and creative than donating canned goods.  So Pete the Cat (for whom this is his 3rd year as a volunteer) and I set out to encourage my friends Lisa and Mary Katherine as well as anyone else passing by my house.  It wasn't quite the same but provided a little bit of that "feel good community vibe" of the Peachtree as I spent Thanksgiving morning on the porch cheering on and chatting with the people who passed my way.

So much better, but....

 Peter came home Thursday afternoon.  He is in a much better place than he was for the couple of months prior to his hospitalization.  He is more conversational and positive and looks healthier.  Peter had lost a lot of weight in pursuit of a modeling career and was struggling with insomnia.  The doctor's response a month ago had been to increase his medication.  Add to that the stressors of lack of job, lack of finances and things I am sure I am unaware of, Peter had dipped into deep depression.

I don't know exactly what all took place during the past 2 weeks but he did sleep a good bit, was eating regular meals, interacting with people and his medication was decreased and switched to a once a day dosage as opposed to 2 a day. These all seemed to work together to stabilize Peter into what I consider to be more of the "real him."

There is uncertainty about the Amazon job, he is still in the process of following up to see if it is still an option. He seems to be sleeping better at night and eating.  And he is able to talk to me without that aloofness or distain that was the norm the past few months.  He seems to have a spiritual softening that comes when he is mentally more stable.  Don't exaggerate that in your mind, he probably would still say he doesn't believe in God but he was playing Christian music in the car and doesn't have that same animosity towards my god view comments.  

I am grateful for the Peter I picked up Thursday.  I certainly see God answering our prayers with a yes and I am grateful but......   Right, there it is, "BUT." But  your see I struggle not to live with what comes after the but.  BUT he doesn't have a job.  BUT he still may not see a therapist.  BUT he may stop complying with meds and home expectations.  BUT he may obsess with his weight again or get off his sleep regime. BUT, BUT, BUT.

I am studying Luke 1:1-38 this morning and it tells how Zechariah and Mary both question the angel Gabriel after he declares the impossible plans God has for each of them.  Zechariah says "How can I be sure of this?" Mary says "How will this be."  My translations doesn't have the "but" at the beginning, however I hear it.  "But how can I be sure." "But how can this be." I read a book where the author talks about how we live after the "but." " I love your dress but your hair is a mess." "Thank you for washing the dishes but I wish you had swept the floor." The first part becomes void as all we can focus on is what comes after the "but".  I find myself in response to the question, " how is Peter ?" by saying , he is so much better but..... " The truth is I am more focused on what is yet to come, good or bad that I basically stamp VOID  on what has happened before. I find it interesting that both Zechariah and Mary questioned and yet it appears only Zechariah experienced the negative consequence as it appears for unbelief.  Maybe there is more to the story than what we see.  What we do know is that Mary is recorded as saying "I am the Lord's servant, May it be unto me as you have said."  Mary didn't understand how it would play out.  She couldn't see ahead nor did she understand how it would work.  Yet she yielded, saying "okay, I am with you, may it be as you say, I will trust  the Lord in what I cannot see." - the Linda translation.  

What I find also interesting is where "but" does appear in my translation of this passage.  When Zechariah is gripped with fear and Mary is troubled, the scriptures says "but the angel said to him/her .... "   According to this passage God through the angel speaks to Zechariah and Mary in their troubling thoughts.  It would appear that Zechariah chose to live before the "but" in his fear where Mary dwelt on what came after the but, the word of God.  And this requires trust.  I am gripped with fear and troubled over the future for Peter. I can chose to live there or I can chose to live in the truth of God's word. "But God." "But nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37

Thank you for your prayers through the past couple of weeks and many days, weeks, months, years before.  I do appreciate your continued prayers as we move forward.  Pray that I will be a wise mom not trying to control, but only advocating as God prompts.  Please pray for a job, wise friends, mental stability, counselor/therapist, spiritual awakening and safety for Peter.  With much gratitude.

Peter's pending return home

Dear friends, thank you for praying and sending notes of encouragement even though information has been limited from this side.  I have had little to share as I have not had  much communication with Peter or the staff at the mental hospital where he is at.  I have carried a mixed bag of emotions.  On one hand it has been a relief to belief Peter is in a safe place and to have the house to myself.  Yet on the other hand not knowing what was happening has had it's anxiety.  

I did talk with Peter last Friday and could tell he was much better.  I talked with a Doctor on Saturday that was also somewhat helpful.  My attempts this week to talk with his case worker or Peter were unsuccessful up until tonight.  Peter called and said they are saying he is going home tomorrow.  He did say by the way things work around there it might be Friday but he did expect to be home by Friday.

Peter says he feels much better and I can hear it in his voice.  I would be lying if I said I don't have tons of questions and concerns about his return.  Peter was to have started a job at Amazon this past Sunday and of course had to cancel his start date.  There is hope it is still available.  One of my big concerns is that he was to work a 5:30 PM to 4 AM shift.  Supported by conversation with my Naturopath I do not think the late night shifts are beneficial to his mental state.  It will also affect what is his new  medication regime.  And his car currently does not have insurance etc.  And I am going to want to "fix" those things and address them and Peter is not going to want to discuss them.  Peter needs therapy and has in the past been unwilling.  I can feel my anxiety level rise as I write this.  And yes I have been listening to Max Lucado's book " Trading my anxiety for his calm" but I don't think its helping. 

So I appreciate continued prayers for Peter and myself as well.  I am grateful for the reprieve from the constant stress over Peter's mental state during the past 2 weeks.  I am hopeful that some good things will come of this for Peter.  I am hopeful that some insurance changes for next year will also be beneficial regarding his access to out patient care options.  One of my great desires is that God will provide someone that can give Peter guidance that he will connect with and trust.  He needs a psychiatrist that he trust and honestly not sure what we are to do moving forward - return to Dr B, stay with the Dr. from his current stay or seek out someone else.  Its hard to know when Peter needs someone  (me) to advocate and intervene on his behalf because he is not fully able and when he needs to be left to let the chips fall.  It all feels so tricky.

I keep going back to the promise I believe God gave me when we started this journey in March - "This is not my battle to fight, it belongs to the Lord."  But sometimes even when you don't fight a battle God calls you to do something, hold your hands up (Moses)  or march around a wall (Joshua and the people at Jericho.)  And even the disciples had to throw out the net before they could catch all those fish.  So though I know in my head God will fight this battle, I can get caught up in worrying about "what am I suppose to do!!!" I know I take responsibility for a lot of things that are not mine to take.  So you can pray for me in that regard.

Again, thank you for being willing to stand beside us in this journey with your love and prayers.

Quiet

 This will be quick and unedited (you are forewarned) as I need to be headed out the door,  Many of you have inquired and I am so grateful for the prayers on Peter's behalf.

I honestly know very little.  Peter was transferred to Peachford Mental facility in Atlanta Friday morning.  He did not reach out to me with throughout the weekend.  Without him giving me his security code I can not get info.  However he did give my name and number such that I was involved in a crisis management plan meeting yesterday via speaker phone with Peter and his case manager at Peachford.  It was interesting.  I hope to follow up with the case manager today to see if I can get any more info .  

I am at peace.  honest its easier with him not here and knowing (or at least choosing to believe) he is in a safe place.  To me he is obviously  not of a good sound and healthy mind and hope they can see that and will work on solutions.  Thank you for continuing to pray for Peter.  It is  our Lord and Jesus that I am putting my hope in for Peter's healing.  And it is a comfort to know others are going to Jesus on Peter's behalf.

Asking for Help

This evening as I was crawling into bed, Peter came to me and said he needed help.  He said he was really depressed, was having suicidal thoughts and needed to go to Laurelwood (the mental hospital he was at before.)  This starts with going to the Emergency Room so that is what we did. They took Peter back pretty quickly and I was not allowed because it was after the visiting hours for the Behavior Health Unit.  I refused to leave until I could talk to someone to tell them some history and meds specifics. I waited about an hour and was finally told I could go home and they would call me.  I did get a call as walking to the car and am grateful for the intake nurse Britney who gracious listened and talked with me on the phone for over 25 minutes.  She was going to talk with the doctor and recommend that Peter be admitted and his medication be reconsidered. Currently she said there were not any beds at Laurelwood so he may have to go to another facility unless something might open up tomorrow.

In the past my prayer request has been that Peter would be able to stay at Laurelwood due to its great convenience.  (It is a mile from our house.)  This time my prayer is that Peter will go where he is going to get the best help. Last week Peter had a video appointment with the Doctor in which she spent 3 minutes with him, said she would see him in three months and did not ask for any input from me.  I thus began really praying for someone to step in and see that Peter's current situation was not okay.  He had not been saying much and had moments in which he seemed ok, but I have felt he was depressed and certainly not in a good place for some time now.  Therefore I am so grateful he has asked for help.  My prayer is that he will be able to get it.  Thank you for joining me in this.

 "If we do what God says, we will be surprised by joy." - Sue Sanders

While in Washington this September, my friend Sue and I talked for hours upon hours.  I often had a small notebook handy to write down her many words of wisdom along with other historic facts Ron was sharing and recipes.  A theme that ran through many of my notes was about obedience to God.  Often this is a topic that makes me bristle.  I am not sure exactly why because I tend to be a rule follower.  Perhaps because I often associate suffering with obedience.  The above statement is one of the first things I wrote in my notebook and throughout conversations with Sue and reflections upon my own life, I realized the truth in it.  

During one of my discussions with Sue, whose involvement with BSF has spanned somewhere around 50 years, I admitted that I was not planning to do BSF this coming year,  I said it with a bit of fear and trembling and a fair amount of embarrassment.  After years of involvement in BSF and serving as a teaching leader in Uganda for 7 years I, I have spent the past 5 years as a class member in a Satellite group that met at my church.  In spite of the convenience of location and comfort of friends in the group, I was a terrible class member.  I was late or I missed class.  I rarely had a completed lesson.  I wasn't faithful to pray for prayer request.  I didn't attend lectures or read my notes.  However with the option to watch the lecture on line and listen to the notes via audio, this past year I was a better participant in those areas.  If the group had larger attendance I found I was more reluctant to share. A cloud of shame followed my participation in BSF and I had concluded it was time to do something else though I wasn't sure exactly what.

Therefore I was a bit hesitant when I told Sue.  Her response was "of course you shouldn't be a class member in BSF.  You should be teaching a bible study." With the fear and cloud lifted, I told Sue how for a couple of years I had felt like I should be leading a bible study for some of the twenty somethings I work with at the day school..  Fear and uncertainty had kept me from doing anything about it.  Sue gave me encouragement and a plan. I returned home knowing what I needed to do but struggling to set it in motion.

After about 2 weeks of hesitation yet feeling the strong conviction I was suppose to do something, I finally blurted out to this young co-worker, "I have been thinking about having a bible study, would you be interested in coming?" Alyssa is this very shy 20 year old whom I don't really know that well and when her face lit up and she said "yes," I was surprised and elated.  It was more than a week later before I got up the nerve to approach my 22 year old classroom co-worker with a similar question.  Her response was that of questions, "when, where, who, and can I bring my puppy." I was not bolstered with a lot of confidence by her response.  Therefore it was quite a surprise when within a couple of days she had invited another girl, who invited two more and they figured out a time and day we could meet.  Next thing I knew, I had 5 girls  planning to start a bible study at my house on Monday nights.

Except for one girl who had to miss the first night, for four weeks these five young ladies have been coming to my house to learn how to do homiletics as we have worked through the book of Philippians, one chapter at  a time.  What started as the plan of a concentrated one hour of real bible study has turned into about an hour and a half  of bible discussion with my often having to gently send them off an hour or so later so I can go to bed.  Ranging from 20 to 27 years old these ladies represent a real variety in ethnic, social and church backgrounds. They are friends forged from working together at school and I love to see the unity in diversity sitting on my front porch.  We started on the porch but the time change and colder weather sent us inside this week.

The best way to describe this experience is to go back to the statement I started this story with.  Oh the surprise of joy this reluctant step of obedience has brought me.  I am surprised by their eagerness to come.  When I asked if they wanted to take a week off before we started doing homiletics on the gospel of John and  they said "no, lets meet next week."  They seem excited though slightly nervous to start doing homiletics on the passage before coming on Mondays.  Thus far we have been walking through it together.  They seem to want to hang out with me, twice their age, and that really surprises me.  Leading them is keeping me committed to doing my homiletics and being prepared.  And I love being able to teach and share truth with them. This little step of obedience, this gathering of young women at my home, has truly surprised me with it's joy,