"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us. We are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." - C.S. Lewis
When my friend (whom I claim as my sister) Jaime recently shared this quote with me, I realized C.S. Lewis had pegged my feelings very well. This expresses the emotions I wake up with daily. I believe God is able. "Nothing is impossible with God." And I believe God is loving. "For God so loved the World." But it is the "he gave his only son" part that is unsettling. God's redemptive work has never been promised to be devoid of pain, suffering or discomfort. And I don't know about you but I am not a big fan of pain, suffering of discomfort.
I have recognized that I function much better in order. If my bed is made and room picked up I am more at peace. When things are straightened and dishes are clean I am good. However when I see things cluttered, disorganized or dirty my anxiety increases. And either I can't get anything else done until it is made aright or I add to the mess and completely avoid it. I use to think it is because my mother repeatedly chanted "a place for everything and everything in its place," while I was growing up. However I have come to believe it is most likely more linked to my desire for comfort and control. The order gives me comfort and control at least a certain sense of false control, emerges when order is achieved. I am not knocking the advantages of orderly surroundings - I believe in a God of order. But I realize the issue for me more often is control than organization.
I remember at age 19 when I first recognized and voiced my anxiety over not feeling like I had control of a situation. I was a camp counselor and the director challenged me about my need for control. I think about it often. I am not in control of my life but it sure does make me feel better if I think I have some order and control, perhaps even predictability about my life. I think this can be applied to the life of those around me with whom I am connected and intertwined with.
When I met Peter he was a year an half, 13 pounds and near death. I embarked on the things I could do. I took him to doctors, visited him in the orphanage, and began to pray for him as well as asked others to join me. I believed at the time God could and would do great things for him. I just had no idea God would intertwine his life with mine for the long haul. I had no idea how messy it would get and how much lack of control and order I would experience. As time has gone on I have continued to believe God is working out his best for Peter. Although I frequently cry out "help my unbelief" I chose to believe God is able and his love for him is greater than mine. Its the wondering how painful his best for Peter is that often causes me the trembling.
In a clip from Pastor Craig Groeshiel of Life Church he says, "we don't always have the power to control, but we always have the power to surrender." Once again I have been reminded that much of my anxiety over my life with Peter goes back to control. I find myself grasping at control regarding him. Surrendering that control, submitting to God's will in spite of how painful His best might be, that is where I sit today. It is wiggly sitting, like a 3 year old boy during circle time, but I am working hard to sit there none the less.
"I surrender All" - that's the song for the day.
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