I am overwhelmed by the kindness and prayers. Many of you have reached out today and I so do appreciate. Many have asked, so I will give a little update.
They were unable to do the scheduled procedure due to moms esophagus issues that came evident in a report just prior to the procedure. As of this afternoon her heartbeat was still out of sync and they were trying medication #4 to get it into rhythm. Meanwhile they are switching out the Eloquist for Hepron and somehow that makes it okay to try the scope procedure (if I understand it right) again on Monday. Mom has not had information verified by the doctors but according to the chart the nurse said she will be spending the weekend in the hospital. I have talked with Mom several times and she is in good spirits. This evening she was hungry and for some reason she was missed on the dinner rounds. The nurse brought her sandwiches and fruit again. Due to room arrival time last night, she missed dinner and had sandwiches then from the nurses station. So when Peter called me to see if I too had been denied access to the hospital, I learned he was trying to take her soup from Olive Garden. I know, Aaaawwwww. Melted both mine and mom's heart. We were touched by Peter's kind gesture. He said they let him leave it for her and she is really hoping the soup reaches her soon as she is hungry.
Peter's doctor appointment turned into my talking with Dr B for about 15 minutes. She said she didn't need to talk with Peter. Mainly she wanted to know if he was safe and taking his medication. I updated her on his most recent mental hospital visit and the medication he was on. She is sending in prescription to continue the medication and set up an in person appointment (Lord willing) for May 28th. For the doctors and therapist my child is one of many of whom the main goal is to keep safe. But as mom, I want fullness and quality of life so it is often disappointing when they don't want all the details or want to hash it all out in search of the very best interventions.
Peter is currently unemployed due to the Corona virus. He is hoping that job may reopen for him but I am not certain it will. He has applied a few places but has yet to find what might be a good fit for him. For multiple reasons it would be good for him to work but I am grateful for provisions giving him another month to not have to work. I do pray for the job that would provide for him financially as well as connect him with people that would be a benefit to him at this point in life.
Thanks for traveling along this journey and I will try to keep you update without overwhelming you with details.
Thursday, April 30, 2020
More James
James 5-6 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind."
With gifts disguised as trials, struggles, and difficulties there also comes a confusion as to what to do with them. There next steps, do's or don't that present itself. I have seen God in the past couple of weeks answer my cry for wisdom in situations with Peter and I am grateful.
Sometimes you need to seek others to help you when you get tired. So although I am trying to avoid this being a "prayer letter" place I do want to share a couple of immediate things going on because I know many of you do pray as a result of what you read here.
Peter has a phone appointment with Dr B today. Though I watched God mightily intervene and provide through her a month ago I am concerned about our wisely communicating with her today as well as her wise response. She doesn't know about the medications he is now on or the most recent hospitalization. I want Peter and I to communicate well so she gets an accurate picture and that she will wisely respond with medication adjustments if needed, advice, strategies etc.
Yesterday my mom was sent to the Emergency Room (did you know they don't call it that anymore? It is ED or something like that but can't remember the initials or what it stands for.) Anyway her Heart Doctor sent her because she was not feeling well, her pulse was racing and BP low. I took her but of course because of Corona virus basically had to drop kick her out of the car and run. Horrible feeling. They struggled to get her A-fib under control with medication yesterday. They admitted her last night and though she said her pulse was normal about 9 PM last night, it did not stabilize and she is still in AFib. The plan yesterday if things didn't change was a scope today.
It is hard not being about to be there to make sure she is cared for or to talk with doctors. And reaching people on the phone is a challenge to say the least. So I ask for wisdom. Wisdom for the doctors. Wisdom for me to know when to call and how much to push and pull. And of course we pray for peace for Mom.
With gifts disguised as trials, struggles, and difficulties there also comes a confusion as to what to do with them. There next steps, do's or don't that present itself. I have seen God in the past couple of weeks answer my cry for wisdom in situations with Peter and I am grateful.
Sometimes you need to seek others to help you when you get tired. So although I am trying to avoid this being a "prayer letter" place I do want to share a couple of immediate things going on because I know many of you do pray as a result of what you read here.
Peter has a phone appointment with Dr B today. Though I watched God mightily intervene and provide through her a month ago I am concerned about our wisely communicating with her today as well as her wise response. She doesn't know about the medications he is now on or the most recent hospitalization. I want Peter and I to communicate well so she gets an accurate picture and that she will wisely respond with medication adjustments if needed, advice, strategies etc.
Yesterday my mom was sent to the Emergency Room (did you know they don't call it that anymore? It is ED or something like that but can't remember the initials or what it stands for.) Anyway her Heart Doctor sent her because she was not feeling well, her pulse was racing and BP low. I took her but of course because of Corona virus basically had to drop kick her out of the car and run. Horrible feeling. They struggled to get her A-fib under control with medication yesterday. They admitted her last night and though she said her pulse was normal about 9 PM last night, it did not stabilize and she is still in AFib. The plan yesterday if things didn't change was a scope today.
It is hard not being about to be there to make sure she is cared for or to talk with doctors. And reaching people on the phone is a challenge to say the least. So I ask for wisdom. Wisdom for the doctors. Wisdom for me to know when to call and how much to push and pull. And of course we pray for peace for Mom.
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
A Gift?
The past couple of weeks we have been studying the book of James in BSF. It is full of snippets of powerful truths and instruction. It starts off in Chapter 1 vs 2 with: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Persevernace must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I have been chewing on that "Consider it pure joy." What does it mean to consider something pure joy? As I sometimes do, I turned to Eugene Peterson's the Message for a usage of words I might understand. He says it this way. "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."
As I pondered it, I thought about receiving a gift as a child. You are excited about the toy with the bright colors, bells, whistles and frills. You might even find some delight in the socks and underwear especially if they have cartoon characters or days of the week printed on them. But that Savings Bond, a simple piece of paper you can't even color on or that Silver Dollar you aren't allowed to spend is harder to wrap your joy around. Yet they have the greater value. While the toys are soon broken and carried out to the curb and even the socks and underwear surpass their usefulness, the savings bond and coin increase in value. And though it may not make you light up like a Christmas tree or jump for joy you can be grateful for it. You can acknowledge it is a valuable gift from one who cares deeply. Because don't those gifts usually come from a loving relative or friend who wants us to have more than temporary pleasure? And you can trust in the value it will have.
'Counting it joy; or 'considering it a gift' means that we view trials, even if not desirable, as something with great value. We chose to see it as given by one who loves us deeply and is investing in the long term (should we even say eternal) and not merely our short term pleasure.
So thank you Lord for the current struggles I see in my family. Thank you for my proximity to these painful struggles. Thank you for conditions that crash my dreams, Thank you for a Pandemic that has the world in a tizzy. Thank you for these "gifts" that thought they lack in warm fuzzies, will result in great value as I trust in you and lean on you as I walk through them.
Tuesday, April 21, 2020
Surrender verses Control
"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us. We are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." - C.S. Lewis
When my friend (whom I claim as my sister) Jaime recently shared this quote with me, I realized C.S. Lewis had pegged my feelings very well. This expresses the emotions I wake up with daily. I believe God is able. "Nothing is impossible with God." And I believe God is loving. "For God so loved the World." But it is the "he gave his only son" part that is unsettling. God's redemptive work has never been promised to be devoid of pain, suffering or discomfort. And I don't know about you but I am not a big fan of pain, suffering of discomfort.
I have recognized that I function much better in order. If my bed is made and room picked up I am more at peace. When things are straightened and dishes are clean I am good. However when I see things cluttered, disorganized or dirty my anxiety increases. And either I can't get anything else done until it is made aright or I add to the mess and completely avoid it. I use to think it is because my mother repeatedly chanted "a place for everything and everything in its place," while I was growing up. However I have come to believe it is most likely more linked to my desire for comfort and control. The order gives me comfort and control at least a certain sense of false control, emerges when order is achieved. I am not knocking the advantages of orderly surroundings - I believe in a God of order. But I realize the issue for me more often is control than organization.
I remember at age 19 when I first recognized and voiced my anxiety over not feeling like I had control of a situation. I was a camp counselor and the director challenged me about my need for control. I think about it often. I am not in control of my life but it sure does make me feel better if I think I have some order and control, perhaps even predictability about my life. I think this can be applied to the life of those around me with whom I am connected and intertwined with.
When I met Peter he was a year an half, 13 pounds and near death. I embarked on the things I could do. I took him to doctors, visited him in the orphanage, and began to pray for him as well as asked others to join me. I believed at the time God could and would do great things for him. I just had no idea God would intertwine his life with mine for the long haul. I had no idea how messy it would get and how much lack of control and order I would experience. As time has gone on I have continued to believe God is working out his best for Peter. Although I frequently cry out "help my unbelief" I chose to believe God is able and his love for him is greater than mine. Its the wondering how painful his best for Peter is that often causes me the trembling.
In a clip from Pastor Craig Groeshiel of Life Church he says, "we don't always have the power to control, but we always have the power to surrender." Once again I have been reminded that much of my anxiety over my life with Peter goes back to control. I find myself grasping at control regarding him. Surrendering that control, submitting to God's will in spite of how painful His best might be, that is where I sit today. It is wiggly sitting, like a 3 year old boy during circle time, but I am working hard to sit there none the less.
"I surrender All" - that's the song for the day.
When my friend (whom I claim as my sister) Jaime recently shared this quote with me, I realized C.S. Lewis had pegged my feelings very well. This expresses the emotions I wake up with daily. I believe God is able. "Nothing is impossible with God." And I believe God is loving. "For God so loved the World." But it is the "he gave his only son" part that is unsettling. God's redemptive work has never been promised to be devoid of pain, suffering or discomfort. And I don't know about you but I am not a big fan of pain, suffering of discomfort.
I have recognized that I function much better in order. If my bed is made and room picked up I am more at peace. When things are straightened and dishes are clean I am good. However when I see things cluttered, disorganized or dirty my anxiety increases. And either I can't get anything else done until it is made aright or I add to the mess and completely avoid it. I use to think it is because my mother repeatedly chanted "a place for everything and everything in its place," while I was growing up. However I have come to believe it is most likely more linked to my desire for comfort and control. The order gives me comfort and control at least a certain sense of false control, emerges when order is achieved. I am not knocking the advantages of orderly surroundings - I believe in a God of order. But I realize the issue for me more often is control than organization.
I remember at age 19 when I first recognized and voiced my anxiety over not feeling like I had control of a situation. I was a camp counselor and the director challenged me about my need for control. I think about it often. I am not in control of my life but it sure does make me feel better if I think I have some order and control, perhaps even predictability about my life. I think this can be applied to the life of those around me with whom I am connected and intertwined with.
When I met Peter he was a year an half, 13 pounds and near death. I embarked on the things I could do. I took him to doctors, visited him in the orphanage, and began to pray for him as well as asked others to join me. I believed at the time God could and would do great things for him. I just had no idea God would intertwine his life with mine for the long haul. I had no idea how messy it would get and how much lack of control and order I would experience. As time has gone on I have continued to believe God is working out his best for Peter. Although I frequently cry out "help my unbelief" I chose to believe God is able and his love for him is greater than mine. Its the wondering how painful his best for Peter is that often causes me the trembling.
In a clip from Pastor Craig Groeshiel of Life Church he says, "we don't always have the power to control, but we always have the power to surrender." Once again I have been reminded that much of my anxiety over my life with Peter goes back to control. I find myself grasping at control regarding him. Surrendering that control, submitting to God's will in spite of how painful His best might be, that is where I sit today. It is wiggly sitting, like a 3 year old boy during circle time, but I am working hard to sit there none the less.
"I surrender All" - that's the song for the day.
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
Home Again
Peter came home from Laurelwood Monday afternoon.
It was sooner than I expected and has felt like it might have been too soon but .....
I trust God.
Peter is on a different set of medication this time.
He is not as debilitated as he was on the former, long acting medication.
He does seem more sober. I think the reality of what he is dealing with is hitting him. Last time he just thought he got stressed and had a breakdown and it wasn't going to happen again. This time its different. Something he can't control in himself happens to him. For the first 24 hours or so he was edgy and not very communicative.
He did have a video appointment with his new therapist this afternoon. I left the house. Peter said they talked for close to an hour. Peter did seem a little more "relaxed" after this. (That is an exaggerated use of the word relaxed.) He was more receptive to my conversation following this.
I am working to balance out helping him and yet not enabling while giving him independence Its tricky.
The paperwork I need to help him tackle is intimidating.
But we don't go this road alone. Grateful to the Lord Jesus, his presence and his word as well as his people who have been a great encouragment.
It was sooner than I expected and has felt like it might have been too soon but .....
I trust God.
Peter is on a different set of medication this time.
He is not as debilitated as he was on the former, long acting medication.
He does seem more sober. I think the reality of what he is dealing with is hitting him. Last time he just thought he got stressed and had a breakdown and it wasn't going to happen again. This time its different. Something he can't control in himself happens to him. For the first 24 hours or so he was edgy and not very communicative.
He did have a video appointment with his new therapist this afternoon. I left the house. Peter said they talked for close to an hour. Peter did seem a little more "relaxed" after this. (That is an exaggerated use of the word relaxed.) He was more receptive to my conversation following this.
I am working to balance out helping him and yet not enabling while giving him independence Its tricky.
The paperwork I need to help him tackle is intimidating.
But we don't go this road alone. Grateful to the Lord Jesus, his presence and his word as well as his people who have been a great encouragment.
Saturday, April 11, 2020
The Mask
This post has nothing to do with Peter.
This post has no prayer request.
This post has no bible verse or spiritual application.
This post is simply the conversation I would have with someone if I wasn't social distancing and all by myself.
This is about the mask. Wearing a mask in the fight against COVID19 has been introduced into the world around me. Someone, somewhere has said it is a good idea to wear a mask when out in public. I am seeing more and more people out and about, in public places, out walking, in cars and so forth wearing some form of a mask. Though I wasn't sure how I felt about it, my mom's neighbor made us each one. So as I have gone into public places, the ER (for Peter) and grocery store I have worn my hot pink mask. Seeing other's mask and wearing one has stirred up thoughts and questions I have never had before. So here they are, thoughts and questions inspired by the new trend of wearing a mask.
My General questions:
My thoughts when I put on my mask:
My thoughts when I see others out in public and I'm wearing a mask:
This post has no prayer request.
This post has no bible verse or spiritual application.
This post is simply the conversation I would have with someone if I wasn't social distancing and all by myself.
This is about the mask. Wearing a mask in the fight against COVID19 has been introduced into the world around me. Someone, somewhere has said it is a good idea to wear a mask when out in public. I am seeing more and more people out and about, in public places, out walking, in cars and so forth wearing some form of a mask. Though I wasn't sure how I felt about it, my mom's neighbor made us each one. So as I have gone into public places, the ER (for Peter) and grocery store I have worn my hot pink mask. Seeing other's mask and wearing one has stirred up thoughts and questions I have never had before. So here they are, thoughts and questions inspired by the new trend of wearing a mask.
My General questions:
- Is wearing a mask for the purpose of my health or others? Does it really protect me or them?
- Are there benefits to wearing the mask when alone in the car? Some people do.
- Are there benefits to wearing a mask when out on a walk? Again some people do.
- How often should I wash my mask? After every wear? Every day? Weekly?
- Is one really better than another? fancy outer space looking ones, sewn fabric, disposable?
- Are mask going to become the norm from now on?
My thoughts when I put on my mask:
- How do I keep my glasses from fogging up when I wear my mask?
- Does my mask match my outfit?
- Do my earrings look ok with my mask?
- Does my mask look better with my hair up or down?
- I guess there is no need for lipstick, no one is going to see it.
- Should I attempt to sew so I can have mask to match different outfits?
- Does my mask make me look fat?
My thoughts when I see others out in public and I'm wearing a mask:
- Oh I like that mask, it's cute.
- Oh I don't want to get near you, YOU don't have a mask on.
- Not to be prideful but my mask is cuter than yours
- Why are you staring at me??? Is there something on my face???
- Is that Cindy behind that orange mask??
- Oh I want to avoid you, I will hide behind this mask.
- I am smiling at you, do you know I am smiling at you????
Friday, April 10, 2020
Meds
I am not a fan of medication. I personally fight with natural resources as much as possible because I don't like medication. Now don't get me wrong, I use the basic over the counter meds for headaches, colds etc. And I take medication for my thyroid. I know they help. But when it comes to many medications, I feel like often the side effects negate the help. And I might just slightly believe in a pharmaceutical, money over people conspiracy theory. HOWEVER . . . .
God uses medication. I know that. I also know that Peter NEEDS medication for his own protection and well being. Finding the one that works best for him in bringing him to a good base line as well as minimizing negative side effects seems to be a challenge at the moment. I spoke with Peter's nurse this morning as well as had a group therapy session with Peter and his current therapist. Finding a medication that works for Peter (and is not the one he was on before which I have been strongly advocating against) seems to be a challenge.
So in this post I am requesting 2 things:
God uses medication. I know that. I also know that Peter NEEDS medication for his own protection and well being. Finding the one that works best for him in bringing him to a good base line as well as minimizing negative side effects seems to be a challenge at the moment. I spoke with Peter's nurse this morning as well as had a group therapy session with Peter and his current therapist. Finding a medication that works for Peter (and is not the one he was on before which I have been strongly advocating against) seems to be a challenge.
So in this post I am requesting 2 things:
- Please pray specifically for the doctors and nurses in finding a medication that brings about the desired effect with minimal side effects. Pray for Peter's continued willingness to take the medication now as well as after he comes home. Currently he is complying and saying that he will.
- Next some of you have mentioned knowing someone with Schizophrenia and the medication they are on. I wasn't ready to hear it but now I am. I feel the need to educate myself somewhat on the medication options that are out there. So if you know of someone successfully managing on anti-psychotics and want to tell me about it feel free to text or e-mail me that information.
Thanks for your continued love and support.
Thursday, April 9, 2020
The One Who Goes Ahead
"The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you, He will be with you, He will not fail you or for-sake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8
After sharing some of the events of this week, a friend sent me the above verse. It was a summation of what I had seen but even more a reminder for the days to come. I have seen in the past week God going ahead of Peter. And I have no doubt there are other ways he is doing it that I am not aware of.
When Peter came home from his first mental hospital visit less than a month ago he was impaired by the long acting shot that he had been given. The side effects during the first week or so had turned him into what resembled a little old man with Parkinson. Peter would often go for a walk and sometimes I would go with him. On Saturday he went walking while I went walking with a friend. Midway through the walk I had a call from Peter's phone. On the line was a police officer. Peter had tripped and though he was fine, someone driving by stopped to check and wasn't convinced he was okay. Peter really did look very drugged at that time. She called the police to come check on him. Peter feeling unable to verbally communicate, dialed me and gave an officer the phone. I was able to explain what was going on. The police officers walked Peter home and waited until I got there. Again I was able to explain that Peter was experiencing side effects from Haldal. I confess at the time it felt like the call had been overkill. Peter's trip was minor and he was fine.
What I didn't realize was that it was God going before Peter. This past Monday when Peter in his psychotic state, was causing a disturbance at a local retailer, the Police were called. Guess who one of the officers was? Yep, one of the police officers who we met a few weeks ago was called to the store. He recognized Peter and knew he took medication for mental illness. The officers determined Peter needed the hospital over jail and the officers called me right away so that I was able to be at the hospital for Peter's admission. Without the familiar officer present, it could have been a different story.
That is one of the things God did to go before this latest episode. There are others like how normally I would not have seen Peter Monday morning before I went to work. However Peter was parked behind my car and I went to ask him to move it. In that interchange I knew he was in crisis and that I needed to stay home that morning. I am sure God has done many other things I don't know about and is continuing to "go before" us in this journey.
In spite of believing this scriptural truth, I am amazed at how often I forget and started fretting or fixing. I so often cry with the father in Mark 9 "I believe! Help my unbelief!" I believe God will bring about good in this really painful and unwanted story. I believe God will have the victory and receive the glory. I believe God is going before Peter in every bit of his life story. I believe God will equip me and supply my needs as I walk along side of him. But Oh Lord help my unbelief!!!
After sharing some of the events of this week, a friend sent me the above verse. It was a summation of what I had seen but even more a reminder for the days to come. I have seen in the past week God going ahead of Peter. And I have no doubt there are other ways he is doing it that I am not aware of.
When Peter came home from his first mental hospital visit less than a month ago he was impaired by the long acting shot that he had been given. The side effects during the first week or so had turned him into what resembled a little old man with Parkinson. Peter would often go for a walk and sometimes I would go with him. On Saturday he went walking while I went walking with a friend. Midway through the walk I had a call from Peter's phone. On the line was a police officer. Peter had tripped and though he was fine, someone driving by stopped to check and wasn't convinced he was okay. Peter really did look very drugged at that time. She called the police to come check on him. Peter feeling unable to verbally communicate, dialed me and gave an officer the phone. I was able to explain what was going on. The police officers walked Peter home and waited until I got there. Again I was able to explain that Peter was experiencing side effects from Haldal. I confess at the time it felt like the call had been overkill. Peter's trip was minor and he was fine.
What I didn't realize was that it was God going before Peter. This past Monday when Peter in his psychotic state, was causing a disturbance at a local retailer, the Police were called. Guess who one of the officers was? Yep, one of the police officers who we met a few weeks ago was called to the store. He recognized Peter and knew he took medication for mental illness. The officers determined Peter needed the hospital over jail and the officers called me right away so that I was able to be at the hospital for Peter's admission. Without the familiar officer present, it could have been a different story.
That is one of the things God did to go before this latest episode. There are others like how normally I would not have seen Peter Monday morning before I went to work. However Peter was parked behind my car and I went to ask him to move it. In that interchange I knew he was in crisis and that I needed to stay home that morning. I am sure God has done many other things I don't know about and is continuing to "go before" us in this journey.
In spite of believing this scriptural truth, I am amazed at how often I forget and started fretting or fixing. I so often cry with the father in Mark 9 "I believe! Help my unbelief!" I believe God will bring about good in this really painful and unwanted story. I believe God will have the victory and receive the glory. I believe God is going before Peter in every bit of his life story. I believe God will equip me and supply my needs as I walk along side of him. But Oh Lord help my unbelief!!!
Tuesday, April 7, 2020
Not my Battle
"This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but Gods." 2 Chronicles 20:5b
The weekend following Peter's diagnosis of Schizophrenia, someone forwarded a sermon to me based on 2 Chronicles 20. I strongly sensed God telling me that this battle was not mine. As one with a very strong sense of responsibility, I immediately felt like Peter's new situation was mine to manage and fix. And though I want to support Peter I hear God often reminding me (especially when I head into fixing mode) that I am not responsible for anymore than God shows me to do.
Last week he used the Psychiatrist Dr. B to remind me my job was to pray. So as we neared the end of the effectiveness of the Haldal Shot Peter was given 4 weeks ago and I was seeing some concerning indicators in Peter's behavior, I was certainly praying.
Long story short, Monday morning I encountered a Peter who was convinced we were the richest people in the world, he was a genius and he had corona virus as a infant and was immune. He was agitated and revved up. So I prayed and I summed some other prayers. I didn't go to work but continued to pray as Peter left the house on foot. I did get active calling people in our small psychiatric world which we are now thrust, looking for help and resources trying to come up with a plan. As it would turn out God reminded me again that this was not my battle by intervening and getting Peter what he needed without my help. When Peter caused a disturbance at a local retail store, the police were called and Peter was taken to the hospital. He is now back at Laurelwood , our local mental facility where he is safe and being cared for.
I will share more in another post about the evident hand of God and his kindness and care yesterday. But for now I wanted to let you my friends know and ask that you would pray for Peter, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Please pray for the doctors and care givers, that they would be wise in administering medications and therapy. Your prayers encourage me and sustain. So grateful.
Reminder - at the VERY bottom of this page is a place to subscribe to receive the post in your e-mail box. This will allow you to receive up to date post as I am not writing on a schedule but more on a need to, on a whim basis. I also don't mind if you want to share the bog with others. Thank you
The weekend following Peter's diagnosis of Schizophrenia, someone forwarded a sermon to me based on 2 Chronicles 20. I strongly sensed God telling me that this battle was not mine. As one with a very strong sense of responsibility, I immediately felt like Peter's new situation was mine to manage and fix. And though I want to support Peter I hear God often reminding me (especially when I head into fixing mode) that I am not responsible for anymore than God shows me to do.
Last week he used the Psychiatrist Dr. B to remind me my job was to pray. So as we neared the end of the effectiveness of the Haldal Shot Peter was given 4 weeks ago and I was seeing some concerning indicators in Peter's behavior, I was certainly praying.
Long story short, Monday morning I encountered a Peter who was convinced we were the richest people in the world, he was a genius and he had corona virus as a infant and was immune. He was agitated and revved up. So I prayed and I summed some other prayers. I didn't go to work but continued to pray as Peter left the house on foot. I did get active calling people in our small psychiatric world which we are now thrust, looking for help and resources trying to come up with a plan. As it would turn out God reminded me again that this was not my battle by intervening and getting Peter what he needed without my help. When Peter caused a disturbance at a local retail store, the police were called and Peter was taken to the hospital. He is now back at Laurelwood , our local mental facility where he is safe and being cared for.
I will share more in another post about the evident hand of God and his kindness and care yesterday. But for now I wanted to let you my friends know and ask that you would pray for Peter, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Please pray for the doctors and care givers, that they would be wise in administering medications and therapy. Your prayers encourage me and sustain. So grateful.
Reminder - at the VERY bottom of this page is a place to subscribe to receive the post in your e-mail box. This will allow you to receive up to date post as I am not writing on a schedule but more on a need to, on a whim basis. I also don't mind if you want to share the bog with others. Thank you
Thursday, April 2, 2020
Embarrassed by Grace
My friend Stu Coiner used to talk about how he had the gift of receiving. When you offered him something he always took it without the "you shouldn't have" or the akward conversation about having to give something back in return. He just gratefully and joyfully received. Honestly I think Stu had a great understanding of Grace and received it well.
I on the other hand am not so good about receiving. I don't like to ask and when given something , I have these uncomfortable feelings, something akin to embarrassment. For example someone sent me this generous monetary gift recently. It was very clearly God showing me he heard my cries and would take care of my needs. Yet toward those who gave it, I felt embarrassed, needy, and uncomfortable as if any expressions of gratitude wasn't enough. I felt as if surely others needed the money more and perhaps they should have given it to someone else. It's a weird and uncomfortable sensation.
This week I had a similar experience with God. This was a case where I had asked him for something and when he went way over the top doing something unexpected and wonderful, I was embarrassed. Honestly I don't fully understand it and struggle to explain it. On one hand I think I was embarrassed at my lack of faith, because though I expected him to be faithful I was also prepared to be disappointed And then I was embarrassed at the attention, why would God do that for ME. The world has NO shortage of needy people right now. I am not sure this makes sense to anyone else but I realize how much I limit God and his love and care for me.
Okay so you wish I would just get to my story, here it is.
Remember that Telephone doctors appointment for Peter with the Psychiatrist on Wednesday that I asked you to pray for? Well Peter WAS at the house when it was time. He was in a grouchy mood as we had just received word that our community was entering Shelter in Place. But when the phone call came in he took the phone. He left my presence but I heard his bold "and who am I talking too?" when he took the phone followed shortly by his "what if I told you I wasn't going to take any more medicine?" I went in my room to pray and perhaps 5 to 10 minutes later he handed me the phone. I then proceeded to have a 15 to 20 minute conversation with his Psychiatrist.
Dr Babalakin is an older, female, Nigerian, openly Christian Psychiatrist. She was not phased by Peter's responses and was very open and conversational with me, in spite of HIPPA. She wanted to wait until she met with Peter in person April 30th to prescribe medication. She agreed that she would have not given him the medication nor in a shot form as they had done at Laurelwood. Yet when I expressed concern for what if he should begin to have the Psychosis before his appointment, she prescribed an anti-psychotic so I would have it on hand. We had a short but fun little conversation about her Nigerian background and British training as well as Peter's own Ugandan roots. Dr. B (as she is known) was very personal. She arranged for Peter to have a therapy session via face-time with one of her Therapist in 2 weeks. Dr B midway through asked me if I was a Christian. She told me my homework was to be on my knees and concluded our conversation with prayer.
Right, WOW. Who would have thought.
We were given her as our follow up Psychiatrist upon leaving Laurelwood. I didn't pick her. And I don't need to go find anyone else (as I thought I might.) God early on told me I would not have to fight this battle, that this one was his. This experience was one of those demonstrations of that.
Peter has moved on to another store (Publix) in pursuit of a job. I actually pray it works out as he will go crazy at home and he has crazy expensive car insurance. He is appearing normal at this time but I wont lie that I am sort of waiting and watching to see what is next. HOWEVER I am asking God for healing, he is participating in the supplements at full strength per Ricardo (the Naturapath) and whatever befalls I can trust my Sovereign, Kind, and Loving God, right??!!!?? Exhibit A - Wednesday's Psychiatrist appointment!
Thank you. Thank you . Thank you. Your prayers encourage me. And I pray that in turn this story encourages you.
****At the very bottom of this page is a Follow By E-mail space. If you put your e-mail in there you will receive the blog post whenever I write one, right in your e-mail inbox.
I on the other hand am not so good about receiving. I don't like to ask and when given something , I have these uncomfortable feelings, something akin to embarrassment. For example someone sent me this generous monetary gift recently. It was very clearly God showing me he heard my cries and would take care of my needs. Yet toward those who gave it, I felt embarrassed, needy, and uncomfortable as if any expressions of gratitude wasn't enough. I felt as if surely others needed the money more and perhaps they should have given it to someone else. It's a weird and uncomfortable sensation.
This week I had a similar experience with God. This was a case where I had asked him for something and when he went way over the top doing something unexpected and wonderful, I was embarrassed. Honestly I don't fully understand it and struggle to explain it. On one hand I think I was embarrassed at my lack of faith, because though I expected him to be faithful I was also prepared to be disappointed And then I was embarrassed at the attention, why would God do that for ME. The world has NO shortage of needy people right now. I am not sure this makes sense to anyone else but I realize how much I limit God and his love and care for me.
Okay so you wish I would just get to my story, here it is.
Remember that Telephone doctors appointment for Peter with the Psychiatrist on Wednesday that I asked you to pray for? Well Peter WAS at the house when it was time. He was in a grouchy mood as we had just received word that our community was entering Shelter in Place. But when the phone call came in he took the phone. He left my presence but I heard his bold "and who am I talking too?" when he took the phone followed shortly by his "what if I told you I wasn't going to take any more medicine?" I went in my room to pray and perhaps 5 to 10 minutes later he handed me the phone. I then proceeded to have a 15 to 20 minute conversation with his Psychiatrist.
Dr Babalakin is an older, female, Nigerian, openly Christian Psychiatrist. She was not phased by Peter's responses and was very open and conversational with me, in spite of HIPPA. She wanted to wait until she met with Peter in person April 30th to prescribe medication. She agreed that she would have not given him the medication nor in a shot form as they had done at Laurelwood. Yet when I expressed concern for what if he should begin to have the Psychosis before his appointment, she prescribed an anti-psychotic so I would have it on hand. We had a short but fun little conversation about her Nigerian background and British training as well as Peter's own Ugandan roots. Dr. B (as she is known) was very personal. She arranged for Peter to have a therapy session via face-time with one of her Therapist in 2 weeks. Dr B midway through asked me if I was a Christian. She told me my homework was to be on my knees and concluded our conversation with prayer.
Right, WOW. Who would have thought.
We were given her as our follow up Psychiatrist upon leaving Laurelwood. I didn't pick her. And I don't need to go find anyone else (as I thought I might.) God early on told me I would not have to fight this battle, that this one was his. This experience was one of those demonstrations of that.
Peter has moved on to another store (Publix) in pursuit of a job. I actually pray it works out as he will go crazy at home and he has crazy expensive car insurance. He is appearing normal at this time but I wont lie that I am sort of waiting and watching to see what is next. HOWEVER I am asking God for healing, he is participating in the supplements at full strength per Ricardo (the Naturapath) and whatever befalls I can trust my Sovereign, Kind, and Loving God, right??!!!?? Exhibit A - Wednesday's Psychiatrist appointment!
Thank you. Thank you . Thank you. Your prayers encourage me. And I pray that in turn this story encourages you.
****At the very bottom of this page is a Follow By E-mail space. If you put your e-mail in there you will receive the blog post whenever I write one, right in your e-mail inbox.
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