Larry Update

My brother Larry had a four and a half hour surgery today to remove cancer from his colon. Due to the location of the cancer, he received a permanent colostomy.  According to the Surgeon everything went well. Larry's surgeon has a reputation for being very thorough and taking very good care of his patients. That has been our experience thus far. Tonight Larry is in ICU as a precaution due to his seizures.  His pain is being managed but there is obviously a lot of pain.  It is expected that Larry will be in the hospital 7 days or so. Pathology reports will hopefully confirm what the Dr. presently believes, which is that they removed all the cancer.  No radiation or chemo treatments are scheduled at this time. With Larry having just recovered from a broken hip, this has felt like a set back.  However there is hope that Larry will recover and adjust to the changes before him.  Thank you for your prayers.

Changing my perceptions

Perception determines our feelings which leads to our actions.

Recently this idea was presented to me.  We feel based on how we perceive something. Then we tend to act or react based on how we feel.  I have been pondering this ever since.  I have been writing down perceptions or "truths" that I have adopted.  Even as I write them, I know many are false but none the less they are perceptions that I function by.  I am beginning to see the feelings that they result in and the actions that I take in an effort to control feelings based on whether I like them or not.  I have been challenged to and trust that I will continue to look at my perceptions in light of truth.

One of the perceptions that I have (and know is false) is the idea that "Life should be fair. Burdens/grief/difficulties should be distributed proportionally."  Like I said, I learned at an early age that "Life is not fair," but it doesn't mean that I still don't think it should be.  If I am experiencing a heavy load, I tend to feel cheated.  If it is another person, I feel guilt and grief.  And because of other perceptions I have, this often leads me to feel I need to do something about it.  I know it is kind of twisted.  I know it is not truth, but none the less it is how I have been functioning for a long time.  

This particular thought has been in the forefront recently. Peter has experienced more suffering and difficulties than it seems that one kid should have.  And now he has been removed from his school that is familiar and put in a new unknown and very different environment.  In my perception, it does not seem fair.  Please do not hear me wrong.  I know without doubt that Peter is where he needs to be.  None the less because of my "fairness" issues, I tend to feel great grief and at times guilt for what he is experiencing.  I am not saying this is right, just saying that it is what I feel.  My brother who has suffered much physically in his life seems to also have had more than his fair share of difficulties.  He has just about regained his independence following his broken hip in April.  However this Tuesday he will undergo major surgery due to a new medical condition that has been discovered. How this effects my parents, also does not seem fair. This conflicts with my false perception that life should be fair.  What  often tends to surface is a mix of  frustrating emotions and actions

I look at my own situation and confess that it does not fit my perception of challenges being distributed evenly.  Currently I am adjusting to the empty nest, concerned for my family regarding  Larry's upcoming surgery and recovery, and facing job challenges and changes with both my preschool job and my second job. I also need to make some decisions about schooling in order to keep my certification to teach preschool.  It is not necessarily "bad stuff" but it is a lot of changes happening at once.  I find based on my perception, that I can feel resentful that I am dealing with challenges in so many areas of life.  

So what is the truth.  The truth is that there is nothing in the bible about life being fair. Really there is absolutely nothing fair about Christ who was without sin dying on the cross for my sin.  There is a lot of scripture that supports the idea that God is faithful and he will carry us when we are weak.  Scripture also speaks the truth that suffering is something that God uses to do his mighty work. (Hebrews 2:10) God works things that I consider to not be fair for the good of those who chose to trust him. (Romans  8:28)  My desire is to take this head knowledge and make it the truth by which I truly believe and perceive the world around me. 

Exhaling

Did you hear it?  Did you hear that big release of air?  I have been holding my breath for months now. The past few weeks it has been intense.  I was beginning to feel giddy with anticipation of letting it out.  And growing faint from the lack of oxygen to my brain.  And then today, I took Peter to begin Riverside Military Academy and I was able to release my breath. And I am exhausted!

Peter held fast to claims of not going right up to yesterday.  He even went to practice with his former high school today.  However there was a point yesterday when the mantra stopped.  He wasn't happy but he seemed resigned to what would happen.  It began with a visit to the dentist.  We returned to the dentist he saw 5 years ago, a Nigerian woman. (She sent him to children's dentistry and they recently "released" him) Dr. Deborah didn't talk to either one of us about the state of his teeth but she was obviously concerned about the state of his heart and attitude.  She sent me out at one point to have a heart to heart with him. When he went to the car she hugged me and said she wanted to see him in six months so she could check on him.  I said "check his teeth? And her response was basically "well and that too."  She is genuinely concerned about Peter.  I had been asking God to send someone to speak to Peter encouraging him about this opportunity. I never guessed it would be the dentist we had not seen in five years.   Next we made a visit to Riverside Military Academy. When he didn't go in to the admissions office with me, the admissions officer went out to him and invited him to get out of the car and see the school. Peter agreed.  During that visit Peter met coaches and other staff that challenged and encouraged him.  I will never say that Peter agreed or wanted to go to RMA.  But I can gratefully say that he got in and out of the car today of his own accord. 

My emotions have been mixed today with relief, elation, empathy and twinges of guilt. (I moved schools between 8th and 9th grade. We moved states away in fact and I remember it was gut wrenching. I know this has to be hard for Peter.) Now that I have exhaled on getting him there I find there is a bit of me wanting to hold my breath for what happens next. Will I get a call to come get him?  Will I know the right balance for participation and giving space? (We live two miles away.  I told Peter I could jog down in the morning to check on him.  He told me no. ) Although I know better I am already thinking about where the money will come from for next year. In spite of the mix of emotions, I can honestly say that I have seen the hand of God pull this off.  I feel confident that this is the place Peter needs for now to receive training for growth into a man. I am confident God has done this and will continue to "do" this. Thank you for caring about, praying for and contributing to the cause.  Your love and support has meant more than you will know.