The Roller Coaster

Here is a link to one of my favorite videos that I watch with the kids at school.  It is a roller coaster ride and we sing this little chant,
"I love this roller coaster,
You love this roller coaster,
I AM READY!!!"

I love this Roller Coaster

It's catchy and fun but the truth is ......

I DON'T LIKE ROLLER COASTERS AND I WAS NOT READY FOR THIS ONE!!!!

The past month has felt like a roller coaster of emotions. Between Peter's mental breakdown, his week plus in a mental hospital, the three weeks he has been home since and oh yeah a Pandemic threatening health, finances and normalcy,I have gone up and down between fear, hope, devastation, joy, exhaustion and so on.  My guess is since this pandemic effects the world, although each individual story is different, I am probably not alone.

I had intended to share more but confess at the moment I am struggling to put my thoughts together in a cohesive manner.  So I am going to stick with the tried and true format of telling you what I am grateful for and what weighs me down.

Grateful for:

• Peter was fairly needy the first couple of weeks he was home and this led us to some good bonding time.  Though it is shifting again I am grateful for the conversations and "sweetness."
• The shut down on the world around us has been a protection for Peter.  He has not been scheduled at his Resturant job.
• Peter is willingly taking the supplements prescribed by Ricardo and we will be at his full dose in a couple of days.
• The Psychiatrist appointment Peter was refusing to go to has turned into a TeleHelp Phone appointment making it easier for me to get him to the appointment tomorrow Wed April 1 at 12:30.
• My work has continued but hours decreased to 30 a week.  Grateful to still have a job yet also grateful for the extra time  to help Mom and Peter
• Grateful for a Pandemic in Spring.  Though so many things have been canceled, the tree's budding, flowers blooming and birds building nest has not been canceled.
• Grateful for good weather and time to help Mom with her outside projects.
• Grateful to the friend who came to help Peter with his bike and neighbors who have offered Peter friendship and me support.
• There is realistic hope that I will continue to work and be paid this coming month.
• The reduction in children at school has let me take on several cleaning out and organizing task that I really enjoy.
• Mom is in good health and spirits.  

What concerns me:

• Peter has applied for a job at Kroger (grocery store) where he has worked in the past.  Though a job would be good for him in many ways - he goes stir crazy at home and needs money - he would be in the midst of virus contamination as well as I have concerns for his mental stability.  He is to talk with the store tomorrow.  Though I have reminded him, my concern is he will use going to the store to evade his Psych appointment.
• My prayer is he will fully participate in this Psych appointment and it will be beneficial to him.
• If what Peter needs at this time is more medication, a good fit will be found and he will be willing to take it.
• I am seeing some things behavior wise that are just slightly concerning - but honestly I am not sure what is normal or true Peter.  Medication changed him but not sure if that was real Peter either.  I ask for discernment and wisdom in interacting with Peter.
• Riding on the teeter totter of faith in Jesus as healer and our use of a natural approach verses what if God has other plans and another breakdown is coming - while the world is in quarantine. 
• With concern yet with much discussion, up unto this point Peter and I have been spending time at mom's who has been pretty good about staying quarantined.  I am at the point I believe we need to stay away.  Especially Peter who has spent a lot of time there and may become more of a risk if he works in a grocery store.  I pray for him to see the need to stay away and not take it as rejection.  And that mom will remain healthy.
• We need to tackle Peter's medical bills - and I just don't want to do it.  
• I along with most of you have financial concerns due to the current state of affairs.
• Easter in isolation???? Struggling to wrap my head around it.

I feel funny in some ways sharing all this with you.  Pretty much everyone right now is in crisis. We are probably all on the roller coaster. Mine is not special I know, perhaps just different  But this is what I know.  God cares about my stuff in the very same way he does yours.  It helps me to write it down.  There are many who are gifted intercessors who pray and my sharing this list allows others who are so let to know how to pray. Besides many of you ask about how we are (for which I so appreciate) and this gives me a place to share it.  

I may not be a fan of the emotional roller coaster I find myself on.  BUT how I feel does not change what is true. God is good.  All the Time.  And I can trust in that even when I feel like I am in the middle of loop de loop and I am going to hurl.

Peter - A New Chapter

A few months ago, I kept feeling like I should revive my blog.  I had occasional thoughts and stories that I thought it might be fun to share.  (Not that people really need anything else to read on the internet!)   So I did some playing around and found my blog was still active however I have not taken time to write anything.  Three weeks ago life took a turn and I decided it would be a good platform for interested friends to stay informed as well as a place for me to track our latest story.  The three weeks have been full in many ways and I am not sure I have the where-with-all to tell the story in full at this point.  So I am going to try to convey the essence of it sort of cliff notes style .

March 1st, Peter was texting me with some strange text demonstrating paranoia and anxiety.  I found him at a local restaurant after he called for me to come get him.  His behavior was strange and I learned he had quit his job (the job he loved!).  Long story short he walked home where I was then waiting for him.  When he came home he was "normal and apologetic" and headed back to see if he could get his job back.  He spent the day with his best friend Abe.  By evening his friend communicated his concern that Peter needed professional help.  Monday morning Peter appeared at my school and I could tell he was not in his typical state.  I took off work and began the search for help.  Again to make it short, Peter was up and down during the day.  At 7 PM he left his car on a sidewalk several blocks away, walked home in the rain, handed me his keys & phone then asked me to take him to a mental hospital.

I took him to the local emergency room.  He was level up until the end of the registration process when I could see him turn, the paranoia had returned.  I was actually grateful that it was evident to the staff.  He was taken to a exam room and I was sent the other direction.  I had one visit with him that night and again the next morning at the ER holding room before he was transferred to Laurelwood . The first visit was painful to watch as security had to help sedate him and the second was delightful as the meds had him talkative yet very real. Laurelwood is our local mental inpatient health facility, next to the hospital and a mere 1 mile from my house.

Peter spent 10 days there. He was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.  I spoke with him most days and saw him twice.  They got him leveled out via meds.  He was given a Haldal shot 2 weeks ago which is to have a 30 day effect. They also prescribed oral Haldal and a med for the side effects  A couple of days before he was released he started refusing to take oral medication. He did not like the side effects. However he was level enough for them to release him, so they did on March 12th.

The medication has awful side effects.  Though he is not angry and paranoid etc, he resembled a patient with Parkinson - He moved so slow. He was drooling and still struggles to eat (we have lots of Ensure and soup),  He is restless, best soothed by riding in the car or going for a walk.  He can't  concentrate and when he can't veg out with TV and his phone you know things aren't normal.  BUT he has been sweet and we have spent lots of time together that has been somewhat bonding. He did start taking the prescribed meds (Cogenta) for the side effects but it tends to make him sleepy.  So he sleeps a lot.

There have been frustrations with trying to get help regarding the medicine side effects outside of  his stay at Laurelwood  Though they set him up with follow up appointments, there was confusion as to what was set up thus we did not get the help we needed on the following Monday from release.  They sent us to ER (yes in the midst of a pandemic) when I complained about the trouble with the side effects.  The doctor gave him benadryl. Someone could have told me that on the phone.  When you leave the mental hospital, there is no case worker/manager that goes with you. Thus I feel the responsibility of that role currently.

I believe God orchestrated for me to find the Naturopath who put my sarcadoid skin autoimmune disease into remission several years ago.  He had left the office I had seen him at and I no longer had contact.  A couple of months ago I was talking to someone at church who knew where he was and was able to give me his contact.  The day Peter came home from Laurelwood - drugged on meds and declaring he would not take more medications, I reached out to my Naturopath Ricardo asking if he had any knowledge of natural medicine and mental illness or someone who worked in that arena.  Within a few hours we were on the phone.  He at this moment is working on an Integrative Medicine degree (in addition multiple degrees he already has) via George Washington Univ.  He said they are studying this very topic as well as he has had experience.  Due to a cancellation (thanks Coronavirus) we met with him this past Wednesday.  Peter though hesitant has been willing to meet with him and follow his protocol.  Ricardo was excited - said Peter has good physical health and his findings with the brain etc. was really a best case scenario.  Peter is taking specific supplements with the hope and expectation that it will treat the problem (inflammation of the brain) and not simply the symptoms (which is what medication does.)

Now I imagine this is where many people shake there head and worry.  I get it. I am choosing not to go with the flow on this one but believe there is more than simply surviving this diagnosis.   I have many concerns, don't get me wrong but I also have hope. I am asking God for miracles.  It is what I have been doing for 17 years regarding Peter.  I have hope in healing.  I realize that it doesn't take away Peter's other issues - there are many - but I am hopeful that Peter will not have to be defined by a disease of the brain.

So this is what I ask of my friends.  If you are worried about me and my naivety, pray.  You don't need to tell me your concerns for my thinking.  I can guess. If God gives you an encouraging word for me I want to hear it.  If God gives you something for me whatever the nature and he won't let you sleep until you share, by all means please do share.  But if you aren't sure it is from God, I am really okay not hearing about your fears for me or your stories of that person you know with schizophrenia. Thank you for not being offended by this paragraph.

This is a tough season for us, then add to it the world is in the midst of a Pandemic.  None the less there are many things for which I am grateful:

• Gods protection of Peter physically.
• Peter came and asked me to get him help.
• The kind care Peter received at Laurelwood
• My finding Ricardo and the hope and care he has given.
• A pandemic that has shut down much of my extracurricular so I am available to Peter.
• The sweet conversations we are having in this season of calm.
• Unexpected money covering Peter's car insurance in absence of him working

I do covet your prayers!!!!  Here are some things I am worrying about or praying for.  Perhaps God will draw you to join me in some of these.

• Though willing to participate in the holistic protocol and to attend therapy, currently Peter is unwilling to attend the April 1st psychiatrist appointment for fear of another shot. He is refusing more medication. Trusting Ricardo's protocol does what we hope, it is not short acting.  The current shot in his system will pretty surely run its course before the supplements can take effect.  Another mental break is likely coming. 
• Peter's spiritual beliefs tend to rock back in forth.  Though he has gone from not believing in God to professing Jesus during the past few weeks, evidence shows he is still very much trusting in self.  Though he finds solace in Christian music he typically does not want to discuss his faith or spiritual things.  I believe God is after his heart and is pursuing.  My mother heart worries what more it will take for Peter to relinquish control. 
• There are so many things to work through - medical bills, navigating school and his possible withdrawal, finding a therapist that is a good fit, dealing with an existing car insurance issue, deciding if I should help him pursue disability.  Peter is doing better from the side effects but there are many of these things I really don't think he can handle on his own.
• Peter is needy.  I am tired.  And sometimes I don't know what is a legit need and what is me enabling or being sucked in to doing things he can.
• That's the starting point - my head circles with many other concerns and you probably have some of your own.

I have heard many stories.  Seems like most people I tell our story too know someone with schizophrenia.  Most of the stories do not encourage me.  They fill me more with sadness than hope.  I am not ready to visit the NAMI (National Association of Mental Illness) meetings yet.  Some of it is probably denial but honestly right now I just can't handle it.  Some of it is hope and faith - believing God has great plans for Peter.  If his plans are not mine then I will deal with it later.  Right now I am asking for miracles.  I am believing God can and asking that he will.  Lord help my unbelief.

Well, well, well ....

My last post was 4 years ago.  I actually thought my blog had been lost somewhere out in "yonder." I got lost for awhile and wasn't interested in writing my thoughts and just stopped.  Plus I kept getting weird responses from unknown people and I just kind of abandoned the blog. 

Recently,  I had been thinking about starting a new one.  So after playing around with other options and accidentally came across this one and saw it wasn't really lost to cyberspace.  Actually was glad to know my old stories were still available to me.

So this is my feeler - is this blog still reaching people?  Does it have glitches and robot responses?  Will I really use it?  If all is good I will simply continue my processing and stories here.  If not I will start a new space and let people know where to find it.

Happy Black Friday

Greetings and Happy Black Friday.  (Sorry I missed Thanksgiving.) Here is just little bits of life from my corner.

Just reread the last bog and wow its been six weeks!  Since then the Fall decorations outside have come and gone without any pictures.  Due to my busy schedule, in spite of my "Christmas AFTER Thanksgiving" philosophy, I decorated the outside for Christmas last weekend. 

Peter has made progress with his knee recovery.  He returns to the doctor Monday and I am a little anxious based on the last visit and Peter's lack of effort at home to do any recovery work.  He is currently attending PT three times a week.  Life for him is pretty much the same, school (grades are good right now, YAY), the couch and the remote.  

My folks had a great trip to Kansas and seem to be doing well.  I spent a few hours with them yesterday for Thanksgiving.  The weather was beautiful, mom made a nice Turkey dinner, and it was just good to be together. We are looking forward to spending Christmas at the beach.

So did I tell you about my part time job?  In August I started working as a Floor Set/Replenishment Team member at a nearby Bath and Body Works.  I  averaged working once a month until just recently. I go in after the store closes and help change out the displays. With the holidays I am working some during store hours to keep all those nice smelly things on the shelf.  I actually had my first Thanksgiving/Black Friday retail experience last night as I worked 5:30 pm to 1:30 am.  It was crazy but actually fun.  I spent several hours ringing jingle bells at the door and telling people about our specials.  I also restocked 29 plus flavors of hand soaps. Turns out I am pretty good at both of those.  I work the next couple of evenings as well. Between my preschool being open through this past Wednesday and working Thanksgiving weekend at Bath and Body Works, there hasn't been much "holiday break."  I was feeling pretty sorry for myself Thursday morning.  But while interacting with folks last night and stacking soaps I realized it wasn't so bad.  Probably better for me to be working than sitting at home overdosing on Hallmark Christmas movies. 

This semester I have been taking two classes at the local Technical College to complete a Childhood Specialist Teaching Certificate.  Sounds fancy but it just means I can keep doing what I love doing and that is teaching preschool.  It has actually been a great experience as the classes have enhanced my current job by the projects that have been assigned and the people I have met. I have just a few more weeks but there are several big projects to accomplish in the meantime.  

I really do love my job at the preschool. My co-workers are super, the kids are fantastic, and it is a great outlet for my craziness.  Where else can you work that you can declare the day a PJ day or get paid to do art and build tent forts. I recently took our class Pete the Cat (10 inch stuffed animal) on a weekend trip and did a photo shoot of his "vacation."  People look at you funny until you say "It's for my preschool kids."  Even then the Starbucks worker gave me an odd look when I put Pete on the counter and took a picture.

With the business of Christmas at my two jobs, school projects, and Christmas at the beach, I am thinking to really down play some of the Christmas hoopla.  But then again it is just the day after Thanksgiving, I may not be able to refrain from embracing the Christmas hoopla!

Thanks for reading my ramblings.  Thanks for being my friends.  Grateful for you. 

Now go out there and SHOP!!!!!! (Today is buy 3 get 3 free at Bath and Body Works!) Happy Black Friday!

In case you wondered

So I tend to be bad about telling my story in the middle and forgetting to let you know the end or at least the progression.

Peter is walking less like Quasimodo and wears his brace most of the time.  Last Sunday he went out without it before I realized it. Peter does not appear to be doing anything at home to strengthen his knee or improve his health.  However he appears to be working hard at PT and is on track in the normal progression of things.   

Peter turned 18 last Saturday.  He didn't want to go out as he said it was too much trouble to get dressed up with the brace and all. I don't think that was the whole truth but we just left it at that.  He wanted take out Red Lobster while he watched Football on the couch.  Peter said we could sit and eat take out in the living room with him.  Instead my folks and I went out to Red Lobster to celebrate Peter's birthday and brought him a take out box.  Except for the gifts (that Peter had pretty much pre-picked) and the Red Lobster it was an average day for Peter.  For me it was as if this weight fell off. Peter is 18 and I am not legally responsible! Woo hoo! I know that may sound strange perhaps unrealistic or harsh to some.  Yet it may help to understand that I operate from a very high sense of responsibility. Many of my decisions are greatly effected by feeling responsible for something or someone.  Until a week ago, legally I would be held responsible for Peter.  With Peter turning 18 I don't feel the responsibility.  Now I have choices.  I know I always did but without the legal responsibility weighing on me I can better see the freedom of choice.  (And yes there has been therapy sessions to help me get to this point.)  Presently I am choosing to support Peter to help him graduate from high school and to recover from his knee surgery.  As we reach those milestones, we will see what is next.

Hurricane Matthew caused our trip to Saint Simon's Island to be canceled. Graciously we have been given the chance to reschedule.  I am pretty excited that we now plan to spend Christmas at St Simon's Island.  We have often talked about going somewhere for Christmas but never have.  So this year we will and I am looking forward to it.  Due to that canceled October trip and some other factors, my folks have decided to fly to Kansas here at the end of October.  Their philosophy is that as long as they can keep going and doing, they will. And I am so glad that they can and do.

Fall has arrived and I am grateful for the cooler weather.  I have done a little fall decorating outside and have a bit more yard work to do next week.  Hopefully next week I will share a few pictures. Meanwhile there are bills to pay and homework to do.  So until next time, . .  . 

Riding the Coaster

So if you haven't figured it out yet, I emotionally tend to ride the roller coaster.  It has probably always been a bit that way but at this point in life the loops and falls tend to happen within a 24 hour period as compared to being spread out over days or weeks.  I typically wake up plunging down fast and make the climb to the top by the time I reach my awesome preschoolers.  Throughout the day there will be some twist and turns and as evening hits I tend to plummet down again.  The big question always is whether the physical is influencing the emotional or the emotional is influencing the physical.  I am somewhat supplement dependent to get through the day and my coworkers know when I accidentally forget to take them in the morning.  Though I think I would be much happier to live life on a simple Tea cup Saucer ride, I am trying not to fret and embrace the ride.

With that preamble you can imagine that since I shared about the great visit with Peter's PT's, there have been highs and lows.  

Low - Friday, I lost it with Peter in a situation that I could have handled so much better than I did.  And I can feel the residual from him as a result.

High - Mom and I had a delightful celebration of her birthday Saturday afternoon having lunch and window shopping.

Low - Cable TV means I am staying up too late and I am making poor food choices so I feel kind of yuck.

High - Sunday afternoon was somewhat lazy while talking with two dear long distance friends on the phone.

Low - Peter decides he isn't using his crutches so is walking like Quasimodo. I am pretty sure he does not have his brace on accurately but he will not accept any advice or expressions of concerns from me.

High - I bought a purple mum, some baby pumpkins and new white chairs for my outside decoration.

Low - I shouldn't have spent the money on the above items.

High - We are headed for the beach in 3 days.

Low - There is a Hurricane headed the way of that beach.

On and on the ride goes.  So currently I am praying for emotions that resembles one of those sedate kiddie rides at the amusement park and for clear direction about what we do regarding this beach trip. 

Light

I know I am very quick to tell you the hard things going on but don't always follow up with the positive.  That's not fair is it?  Thereflre I am taking just a minute this evening to tell you about some light shining in the dark today.

First we went to therapy early this morning and very quickly I knew we were in the right spot.  The therapist in charge of Peter's treatment works with a lot of young athletes specifically teens.  And I recognized early on that he views it as a kind of ministry.  The vibe of the whole rehab center is a peaceful one. There is evidence of Jesus there. It was also comforting when I recognized a therapist there as one of the men in my church. Peter's therapist told us Peter was currently pretty normal in his progress.  I saw him push Peter to do some things that I didn't think he was able.  And Peter seemed to gain a little more confidence.  He also was cooperative and "pleasant" at least pleasant  in regards to the Peter scale. Peter will go 2-3 times a week for about 3-4 months.  When he attends afternoons there will be a lot of other teen athletes in there as well and I see how this could be positive. I left there feeling much better about our current experience and very grateful for the upcoming interaction with this group of folks.

Second I had a man tell me today "how much he enjoyed meeting Peter," when he met with him yesterday. So now that is not something I often here.  Hobbling on crutches Peter went to meet with a man about some seasonal work starting in late November.  I was told about how Peter used football to make a connection and the enjoyable conversation they had.  I was told about how respectful and polite he was.  Wow.  And with this potential physical job, hopefully will come motivation for Peter to do the work to strengthen his knee.  

Thank you for your prayers.  These little events today have shed light and reminded me once again that God is for us and not against us.