Impromptu "holiday"

 So I wouldn't say this makes up for our canceled New Years Beach trip, but mom and I have had a little three night "get away." It has been at our local hospital, Georgia Heart Institute. We have bonded over food (or the lack of it) , the doctor parade and middle of the night nurse checks.  But Lord willing this trip will be limited to three nights and we will be headed home today (Saturday.)

I will try to make this succinct while answering questions for those of you who have received bits and pieces during our stay.  The summary is that mom has known heart failure.  After dealing with Afib issues, a micro lead pacemaker was put in 2 years ago.  Recent doctor visits have revealed that her heart functioning was decreasing and that it may be attributed to the pacemaker.  So over the next 6 weeks, mom had several doctor appointments scheduled to address the issue with the possibility of a new pace maker.  For the past week mom had not been feeling her best with symptoms including nausea and shortness of breath.  It had highs and lows and was being addressed with doctors.  However this past Tuesday night, mom hit the point of saying it was time to go to the emergency room.  Once she was able to get me to realize that the noise on my phone was her calling and not my alarm that could be ignored, we made an early morning run to the hospital Wednesday.  Within 6 hours she had been seen in the ER by the beginning of what would be a parade of doctors, given a diuretic to remove the fluid from her lungs, and told she would need to stay overnight. 

With the removal of the fluid, she was able to breath better and the nausea began to fade.  On Thursday we experienced the full employment of the doctor parade.  This hospital (1/2 a mile from my house) is a teaching hospital as well as a leading heart hospital.  If you are going to experience heart failure, this is the town to live in. Therefore mom did not just have a doctor or two attending to her but multiple teams of doctors, residence and students.  Thursday morning within an hour  no less that 25 people came through mom's room where she graciously held court.  After conferring with the various teams, the decision was made for mom to have a different style of pacemaker implanted that very day as well as a heart Cath performed Friday to determine if there were  blockages contributing to her decreased heart function.  So Thursday afternoon she had a pace maker put in and spent the rest of the evening into the next morning on bedrest.  Friday, in anticipation of the heart cath, she was unable to eat.  That along with the discomfort of Thursday's surgery and some other aches made for a very long day..  As it turns out she was finally in the que for her heart cath when the surgeon came to talk with her.  A lady had come in with a heart attack and she was going to need to go first and he wasn't sure when he would be able to get to mom.  By then it was after 4 pm.  So after some discussion it was concluded that mom would forgo the procedure then, hopefully go home the next day (Saturday) and return as an outpatient next week for the hart cath.  Mom was such a trooper.  In spite of being hungry and having waited all day  for a canceled procedure, her greater concern was for the woman who had the heart attack and required the doctors attention.  Over the next several hours, she was able to eat some food as well as get some pain relief and she perked back up.  By Saturday morning the uncomfortable pressure bandage was gone, her belly was being kept full and she had an iron infusion so she was feeling much like herself. 

So now we sit and wait hoping the parade of doctors will start soon and with it declare it is the finale and we can go home.

Survivors guilt?

It's been three weeks since Peter moved out.  I have seen him once when I drove him to a doctor's appointment in a neighboring town.  He spoke about 30 words to me roundtrip.  All communication has been text, basically about something he needed me to do for him.  I have not been invited into his apartment even to the point of being told not to come.  On the positive side, he has reached out to mom to meet for lunch once a week for which I am grateful. Her report is that the job isn't his dream job but he really likes living on his own and being independent.  I wish I had a mileage read out of how much walking Peter does a week.  I am proud of him for doing the hard thing and fighting to be independent. 

It does sadden me that he does not want involvement with me.  I can't help but think at times,  "was I really that bad of a mother?? Did I do that horrible of a job?"  I know I failed in many ways. Yet I also know I tried to the best of my ability and I am okay with the grace that will need to cover my failures. But in all honesty I can echo Peter's declaration.  "I  really like living on my own and being independent!"  I took over his room as my own, thanks to Mom and her handy man neighbor who restored the beat up space. I have spread out my stuff making my old room the craft/guest room.  I want to get a twin bed but meanwhile I have an air mattress for anyone who wants to come. Things are in there places and there is a peace and calm that has taken up residence in my house.  I do occasionally catch myself blaming Peter for various things being misplaced or messed up to only realize it had to be me.  I am the only one who lives there!!  Honestly and truly I am enjoying having my own sacred space and living alone.  But then...

....comes the guilt.  It might be something like survivors guilt.  I feel bad that I am enjoying Peter not being around.  I think of all the space I have and it feels so extravagant.  I knew large families in Africa that lived in homes even a third the size of my current home.  It feels selfish.  I had a therapist once tell me that I didn't seem to have much problem accepting  that God would allow suffering in my life but I had much more difficulty accepting the good, gifts and blessing . I think there is some truth to that. So currently I am practicing gratitude over guilt.  I am thankful for my cute house, my sweet bedroom, my extra space and my big walk in closet!

Twenty Years Ago Today

It was February 19th, 2003, Kampala Uganda, that as I prayed and read scripture, I believed God told me to trust him (John 14:1) and discipline my son (Proverbs 19:18).  So I went to the orphanage and asked a little four year old  boy named Peter if he wanted to come live with me. (Okay so there is a lot more that happened before that yet when it boils down to it, that was what happened.)  

It is not without significance that this week in my bible study, God has been telling me that he he is doing a new thing (Isaiah 43: 19). Miraculously, Peter was approved for the studio apartment a mile from his new job at Red Lobster.  Wednesday before he started work, my mom took him with an air mattress, a set of sheets and towels and a backpack of clothes to his new apartment.  And thus Peter started his new independent life.  There have been a few text with request for an item or two to be dropped off but basically he is desiring to live independent of me.  Yesterday it was requested that I not come when his mattress was taken from my house to his, via my friends with a truck.  In response to my offer to a meal to mark the significance of today today, he said he liked being independent and he didn't need a meal. In the midst of my many mixed emotions - sadness, regret, relief, worry, anticipation - I continue to hear God say  this. "See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.  The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls because I provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise!" Isaiah 43:19-21.

Within 24 hours of his departure, my mom had a handyman at my house beginning the repairs on Peter's old bedroom preparing it for me to paint so that I can claim it as my bedroom.  I felt a little funny about it but I kept hearing God say, "See I am doing a new thing." I know that my role as Peter's parent doesn't end but there is a big shift with his moving out.  I continually pray that God will use other people in his life.  As you know I have concerns regarding his mental health, ability to keep a job and pay his bills, safety walking to and from work, his ability to keep a house etc.  Yet it is not mine to live or control so I am working hard not to worry but to pray, speak encouragement and assist as requested when I can.  I am looking  forward to the new things God is doing in his life as well as mine.  

There is a sense of relief not facing Peter's struggles daily.  I am also excited to have a refreshed bedroom, and a new craft room/guest room.  And a big shout out to Mama Millie for helping that come about. Thank you for your prayers for Peter and me on this journey.  And I am grateful for your prayers in the future.  Knowing I am not making this journey alone has made the difference.

Well, I'll be!

Though I couldn't imagine based on various criteria that Peter would get approved, he was given the OK for a loft studio apartment and signed the lease today.  As tomorrow is his first day of work at Red Lobster, he plans to start living there tomorrow night.  He doesn't plan on lots of furniture (not like there is a lot of room anyway. )  Yet until we can get his bed moved over, he plans to use an air mattress.  I was gathering the mattress, sheets, towels, toilet paper and he said he feels like I am sending him off to camp.

I am in a crazy place.  On one hand I am petrified for him.  The list of things that I could reasonably worry about is somewhat long.  His safety -He'll walk home in the dark 1.2 miles from work .  Can he keep up with his key? will he take out the trash and clean anything so as not to be evicted? Will he make enough money for the rent (over 2 times what I pay for a third the space , but I do have the deal of the century.) Will he remain mentally stable enough to keep the job? and so forth.

Yet on the other hand, I am a little giddy.  I feel great relief.  Sunday we mark our 20th anniversary of the day I brought him home to be my son.  I have no regrets but it has often been hard and I anticipate independence on his part, will help our relationship greatly.  And yes mentally I am moving around my furniture and preparing how to use my now extra room.

Thank you for your prayers for us through this process. God is answering prayers you have prayed on our behalf. I continue to ask for male mentorship for Peter in his new job; safety in his coming and goings; provisions so he can pay rent AND eat, a maturing with these responsibilities; a sound mind; and accepting Jesus as His Lord and Savior.  Please ray for me in the process - that I will manage this  transition and my new role as mother at a distance with wisdom and grace.

Looking for Miracles

I felt like we had miracle one when Peter was offered a job in the kitchen at the Red Lobster.  He is to start this Wednesday. He found a couple of apartments a mile walk away.  He has asked me to go with him tomorrow afternoon to the leasing office of an apartment.  I have multiple concerns but am praying for more miracles -  a place he can afford, safe, can get to etc; - he can stick with a job  and so forth; mental stability; openness to the gospel.  Regarding apartments and jobs, I have thoughts and suggestions but do not feel free to offer them to him. 

Bottom line, God's will be done and I will glorify God in the midst of this.  

Quick midweek Peter update

Peter does not act maniac but is irritable at least with me.  I have the ability to annoy him no matter how hard I am trying not to.  He desperately wants to be on his own away from me.  Though the reality of that seems impossible and scary, I honestly want that to.  

Peter has an interview at a Red Lobster today and found a potential Studio apartment about a mile away from there.  It also has shopping within a mile radius,  He did save some "sold the car" money and perhaps if they are willing to give him a job it could work. At least to get him out the door which might be what we both need even if the road after that is bumpy.  Honestly, I don't know.

Based on a conversation last night, he might, maybe at some point be willing to reconsider some medication (especially if it helped him be independent of me.) Okay, he didn't say that but he also didn't deny that things might not be totally all better without the medication. 

In case you were wondering. Thank you for praying God's will be done in our lives for His Glory.

This weeks journey

I want to begin with my heartfelt gratitude to God for you my friends.  I have received numerous kind words as well as suggestions and for that I am grateful. I know your prayers have lead to protection and peace. I have felt loved and cared for in this challenging season.  Thank you!

Peter has spent most of the week in his room.  He had a scheduled Dr. appointment with his Psychiatrist Thursday morning, went to the store with me one evening and finally adventured out on his own last night to a nearby Pizza place for dinner.  He continues to hold his stance that he is not taking medication thus the Dr. said there was no need to make a follow up appointment until he wanted to reconsider meds.  His mood has been mostly stable without any real maniac highs.  His thinking seems somewhat reasonable at times but then again it also doesn't seem realistic.  I think I come in and out of my own denial and delusions so that it is hard to know what is real at times.  His goal at the moment is the right job that will allow him to move out.  He sees it as simple and I see it as monumental and virtually impossible, especially without stabilizing medication.  

Taking some of the resources that were shared with me this week, I made a few contacts.  Most of them were not  encouraging.  I still have resource to check out but my emotional bandwidth has only allowed for so much at a time.  My friend Melissa found me a book "I'm Not Sick, I don't need help" by Xavier Amador which I have been listening to on Audible.  It has been eye-opening and thus very helpful into the mind of someone with mental illness and why my arguments for medication make no sense to Peter.  The author provides tools for speaking to someone such that they see you on their team and are more likely listen to you.  Though helpful it also can feel daunting and overwhelming.  My attempts so far have not felt very successful.

I have said that Peter couldn't stay here if not on medication but honestly it has always just been a threat to keep him taking them.  Now that it has been challenged, I have not been able to throw him out on the street to be homeless.  He has no friends and no where to go.  He wants independence and to be on his own.  He knows I want that for him as well. He thinks it is as easy as him getting a job to have money to pay the bills.  I think it is more than that of course, I think it requires meds for stability.  So that creates tension.  

So that's where we are.  I often don't know what we really need and should be praying for so I simply pray Thy Will be Done.  I think what Peter needs is to be willing to take medication, someone he would respect to provide counsel and input into his life, someone to hire him in spite of his track record, a place he could live besides here that would be safe and of course to believe and trust in Jesus.

I continue to ask for wisdom, love and grace in my conversations with him. It is hard to help someone who doesn't think they are in need.  I need to not be powered by fear.  I want to know who to contact for resources- I get so overwhelmed by that.  There is a dilemma about his insurance - one person said he could get more services without it but then it creates the dilemma for his upcoming medical doctor appointments. So I want to make a wise decision.  

As always thank you for sharing this journey.