I want to begin with my heartfelt gratitude to God for you my friends. I have received numerous kind words as well as suggestions and for that I am grateful. I know your prayers have lead to protection and peace. I have felt loved and cared for in this challenging season. Thank you!
Peter has spent most of the week in his room. He had a scheduled Dr. appointment with his Psychiatrist Thursday morning, went to the store with me one evening and finally adventured out on his own last night to a nearby Pizza place for dinner. He continues to hold his stance that he is not taking medication thus the Dr. said there was no need to make a follow up appointment until he wanted to reconsider meds. His mood has been mostly stable without any real maniac highs. His thinking seems somewhat reasonable at times but then again it also doesn't seem realistic. I think I come in and out of my own denial and delusions so that it is hard to know what is real at times. His goal at the moment is the right job that will allow him to move out. He sees it as simple and I see it as monumental and virtually impossible, especially without stabilizing medication.
Taking some of the resources that were shared with me this week, I made a few contacts. Most of them were not encouraging. I still have resource to check out but my emotional bandwidth has only allowed for so much at a time. My friend Melissa found me a book "I'm Not Sick, I don't need help" by Xavier Amador which I have been listening to on Audible. It has been eye-opening and thus very helpful into the mind of someone with mental illness and why my arguments for medication make no sense to Peter. The author provides tools for speaking to someone such that they see you on their team and are more likely listen to you. Though helpful it also can feel daunting and overwhelming. My attempts so far have not felt very successful.
I have said that Peter couldn't stay here if not on medication but honestly it has always just been a threat to keep him taking them. Now that it has been challenged, I have not been able to throw him out on the street to be homeless. He has no friends and no where to go. He wants independence and to be on his own. He knows I want that for him as well. He thinks it is as easy as him getting a job to have money to pay the bills. I think it is more than that of course, I think it requires meds for stability. So that creates tension.
So that's where we are. I often don't know what we really need and should be praying for so I simply pray Thy Will be Done. I think what Peter needs is to be willing to take medication, someone he would respect to provide counsel and input into his life, someone to hire him in spite of his track record, a place he could live besides here that would be safe and of course to believe and trust in Jesus.
I continue to ask for wisdom, love and grace in my conversations with him. It is hard to help someone who doesn't think they are in need. I need to not be powered by fear. I want to know who to contact for resources- I get so overwhelmed by that. There is a dilemma about his insurance - one person said he could get more services without it but then it creates the dilemma for his upcoming medical doctor appointments. So I want to make a wise decision.
As always thank you for sharing this journey.
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