Well Groomed Weeds

Weeds (according to Webster) -  : a plant that is not valued where it is growing and is usually of vigorous growth; especially : one that tends to overgrow or choke out more desirable plants.

Between rains, I spent a little time in my yard yesterday.  I cut my grass, well I mean weeds. I remember hearing my friend say that the neighbor had complimented their lawn. She said that really all her husband did was cut the weeds.  I think of that when I mow my grass. Cut short it really does look like grass. But let the rains come and the lawn mower stay parked then the crazy tall chutes and flowers give it away. There is very little true grass in my yard. It really is mostly weeds. I believe that outside work is full of spiritual lessons. Jesus obviously believed thus and I am often on the look out for lessons in my yard. I was thinking about my weeds and wondering if there was any spiritual or life applications of "well mowed" weeds? Don't really know.  But these were a few thoughts that I had as I continued to push the lawn mower along.  

1) Even weeds look good when well groomed. It is easy to look at others' "beautiful lives" and be envious.  Truth is we all are weeds.  We are all sinners (in need of a Savior) and  we all face life challenges.  No matter how fabulous one's life may appear, truth is, it is made up of weeds.  

2) Sometimes an embraced weed looks good. In certain areas plants arise that I do not want because it competes with other plants or simply makes the area look unattractive, like in sidewalk cracks.  In these area I fight the weeds.  I pull, dig  and spray.  Letting them be is not beneficial.  However in my yard, hardy plants are welcome.  Weeds trimmed make for nice ground cover.  I accept the weeds. Sometimes situations come into our life that we may not value because they are unwanted and "wild".  Sometimes instead of fighting them it is a better use of energy to embrace them and make them part of the landscape.

And So forth

I just re-read a delightful e-mail from a friend.  It was basically a hundred and fifty word run on sentence with hyphens separating thoughts.  She explained that she wrote it the way she would have told it to me.  I laughed because it is true, I could hear her talking to me in her style that I so dearly love as I read it.  As I have been trying to formulate a post, I keep seeing my thoughts formulate in a similar manner.  Typically I like to connect things in a pretty package with illustrations, information and hopefully something useful or thoughtful. I like it to connect.  I like it to make my former English teachers proud. Yet the most recent week just doesn't want to fit that formula.  So I think with this one you will have to sort it out and do what you want with it.

So nothing with Riverside Military Academy has changed - For Peter to attend as a boarder (the preferred option) I need to come up with $15,548 - If he is to attend as a day student $11,673 is needed for this year - When Peter and I talked he did not say he wanted to go but he also did not say "I am not going and you can't make me" which is what I expected - He has excuses for not going - I want him to go but still waiting for God to show me the money -  I keep asking God for the money -  I am willing to change jobs, I just need him to show me -  I have looked in every direction that I thus know to look- The hardest part is looking foolish - it is not like me to apply for a school that I can't afford -I have acted on what I honestly believe God has been directing - yet I can't help but think people must consider me foolish, unrealistic, looking for a handout - I have to look past what I think people think of my attempts to get Peter into this school- I have acted thus far in faith - faith often does look foolish - if this is not what God is doing I am really trying to trust that this journey has been for a reason -This week I am staying with my brother. I offered so that both of my parents could drive to Kansas for my aunt (dad's sister's funeral)- Because Larry broke his hip in April he is no longer able to be left at home alone - He uses a wheelchair as well as a walker with assistance - Staying with Larry now has a whole different meaning than it did in April-  I gave up all other plans, working at a church preschool, working at the Family Life Center, participating in the Atlanta Peachtree Road Race with 60,000 new friends on July 4th, sleeping on my just purchased mattress (the reward of working all summer instead of taking time off), my usual Wednesday afternoon bowling, Wednesday night bible study-  I confess I had to work through the sacrifice and now I can see good - I have a cold so shouldn't probably try to run 6.5 miles (likely in the rain) on July 4th- I wont pass on my cold to the kiddies at preschool - I am not flitting about passing my germs here and there -I can be in mom's great kitchen where it is easy to make chicken soup and other healthful foods -I am doing crafts and other things that I keep pushing aside for "away from home activities"-  I have a legitimate reason to say no to constant motion - there are comfy beds at mom's house - Larry and I are having quality sibling time - I ran in a 5K Saturday called the Jefferson Freedom Run, a 4th of July race with about 200 folks-  In the first 1/2 mile I was seriously questioning why I was running these races - my feet were hurting - I decided I was returning the new (not yet worn) running shoes that I had bought the night before and after the Peachtree Race, quitting with the running thing -  Then as I kept going the endorphin kicked in -And since all the 45-49 women must have been out shopping or at the beach I took first place out of 4 in that age group -  Not saying much since I ran a 11 minute mile but kind of fun anyway.  I have a cute child crafted tile painted as an American flag as an award.  So I didn't take my running shoes back and I plan to keep running so that I can participate in the Peachtree next year on the 4th of July - Going to get Larry and go for a drive to my house to feed the cat - and so forth and so forth.  

Thank you

Hey.  I just wanted to say Thank you. I know people have been praying for me since I posted yesterday. After some morning anxiety, a good cry and a prayer of exasperation, I really did have a considerably peaceful day.  I actually had a sense of anticipation.  Nothing external really changed but I was almost joyful throughout the day.  Go figure!  It had to be friends like you praying. Peter went to church without the usual war and did what was asked without to much hoopla. (Perhaps it was motivated by knowing that I was attending open house at the Military School.)  So yes,  I did go to the open house. I realized that it is an honor for Peter to have been accepted at such a school.  It also confirmed that it would definitely provide discipline, structure and academic motivation that I struggle to provide. No one offered me any more money.  My peace is simply that if God provides money (in whatever form that may be), I will trust that this is the school for Peter. I confess that I did a little "retail therapy" after the open house to sooth my soul from the information overload. I bought a plant for my porch and for some very strange yet to be figured out reason, a "Jimmy Buffet" CD.  When I got home, I realized perhaps I should have bought a Lottery Ticket. 

Thanks for you prayers today.  I am indeed grateful.

Looking for Peace

So I am not sure exactly what to write today.  I can't come up with any real clever package. After I learned that even with the Military school's discount, I needed to find between 14 and 18 thousand dollars for Peter to be able to attend this year, I kind of shut down.  I didn't want to think about it or talk about it. Then I rallied. I started applying the ideas friends have presented.  I called the school again and was assured that my coming to meet in person won't increase how much I can be given in aide.  So I try to think of different employment that would double my income yet is legal. I think of researching scholarship options and get exhausted just anticipating it.  I keep trying to "figure" it out and can't.  I have also tried to accept that this is the end of the road.  But truth is every time I do, I encounter someone attending or working at the school.   I am not convinced that merely investigating the school is as far as God plans to take us.  Tomorrow there is an open house at the school.  I signed up to go and take Peter.  However I have conflict with that.  I don't anticipate him wanting him to go without a fight.  And I don't really want to take him if I don't know that I can follow through with him actually being able to attend in the fall.  I will be down right honest, I am scared. I am scared that at the open house I will just burst into tears for all or no reasons.  I am scared  for Peter to attend the school next year, yet I am scared for him if he doesn't go there. And I am scared that somehow I am not doing "something" that I am suppose to, whatever that something is.  I think it is safe to say that currently I am looking for some kind of direction from God. I am looking for a plan. But most of all I am looking for peace.

When the path appears to end

About a year ago I became so frustrated with parenting Peter that I began looking at boarding school options.  After a fair amount of research and a few counseling sessions, I stopped looking and decided to just "hang on for the ride." However this winter,  Riverside Military Academy (located just two miles from my house) kept being placed before me in conversations.  Several times someone asked me if I had considered it for Peter.  My general response was that I didn't have that kind of money ($30,000 a year for boarding students or $18,000 for a day student.) And the response I would receive was that I shouldn't let that stop me.  Around that time, I also came across two sets of parents who sent their sons to the school and were glad that they had. There came a point in which I sensed that God was leading me to look at this school as an option for Peter. So with my bible study group praying each step of the way for me to take the needed action, I began the journey.  I started by working up the nerve to make the call to the school to see if it was absolutely absurd for someone of my income to apply.  The response I received was that  it didn't hurt to apply for admission, then if accepted I could apply for financial aide.  I filled out the application this spring and was surprised when Peter was accepted without an interview.  Next I proceeded by filling out the lengthy form for financial aid.   Yesterday I was told that Peter has been awarded  approximately half tuition. It is substantial, none the less I do not have the needed remaining money. After taking step after step as it unfolds, I have come to a place where I don't see a next step.  It is one thing to say  "if this is what God intends, he will make it happen," then go do something towards the goal.  It is another thing to say it and not see anything that you can do.  So I guess now I just wait. I figure I am either waiting for a miracle or waiting for peace to come that this is far as this journey goes.

Why?

I ran a 5K yesterday.  It was an out and back, up and down some crazy hills.  My time was slower than I have been recently clocking but considering the hills, I was pleased. And to my surprise I came home with a Silver medal in my age division.  Turning 45 has its perks in the running world because I am now in the 45-49 age bracket and yesterday was my third medal this spring.  It also pays to find races that have few runners. In April I brought home my first medal when I placed 3rd out of 3 people in my age division.  It was a real surprise when a few weeks later I received third place and there was actually more than 3 people in my age division. I was actually third yesterday but the person who took first was so fast that she  took first place Master, bumping me up to 2nd.   It is all kind of fun but here is what I keep wondering . . . .

• Why do I feel the need to emphasize that when I got my first third place medal, there was only 3 people in my age division?
• Why do I feel the need to emphasize that when I got the second medal, the race was full of people simply supporting the cause thus the competition wasn't fierce?
• Why do I need to tell you that I really didn't take second place but third yesterday?
• Why do I need to tell you that these are small races thus getting a medal doesn't mean that much?
• Why do I always feel like it isn't that big of a deal because I am not really fast in comparison to many? In fact looking at yesterdays stats, I was number 58 out of 107 participants. Yesterday I averaged a 11.29 minute mile.  (My fastest is 11 minute mile.) Why do I need to tell you that?  Why do I want to tell you that one guy was walking with a cane so my being faster than him doesn't really count?
• Why do I feel like somehow I didn't really earn the medals and it is no big deal?
• Why do I struggle to celebrate my accomplishments?

I don't know exactly.  I do know that this same thing happens in other areas of my life. And I am not exactly sure how to change it but I guess recognition is the first step.

So yeah me -I got up at 5:30 on a Saturday morning so I could run a 5K (3.2 miles).  I got a bright yellow T-shirt to prove it.  And I got a silver medal too!!!!  I will choose to believe the following quotes and try - really try to stop making disclaimers about my victories, whatever they may be!

"Whether it is a 7 minute mile or a 14 minute mile, it is still a mile."

"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch."

My Front Porch

My house is small.  The kitchen is extremely lacking in counter space and has no dishwasher.  I have to pull out the dryer, blocking the back door to get it to dry clothes efficiently. There is no central heating or air conditioning. The awkward bedroom arrangement requires Peter to go though my bedroom into the bathroom to get  to his bedroom. There are some challenges with this little old house.  Of course there are some concessions.  I live in a great location in the center of town. The house is owned by friends and the rent price is amazing for the location. I live in an area that has great places for running. There is a yard that is big enough but not too big. The yard has a variety of beautiful foliage planted by previous owners. There are great neighbors on one side and a park on the other.  My neighbors have two huge, deep voiced dogs which provide a free security system.  The house is old so it has character and it was renovated a few years back so it is not falling apart.  But the best part, the gift of my house, is the front porch.

The front porch is the same size as the living room.  It has a quaint white rail around it flanked by a variety of beautiful foliage which gives it some privacy. The porch is roomy enough that I have a farm table and chairs plus a rod iron glider love seat on the porch. String lights flank the porch ceiling giving it an inviting glow when I come home in the evening.  I take great delight in adding seasonal decorations to the front door and table. Recently I added a new piece.  During a furniture rearrangement in the house, I carried my retro reclining lounge chair out to the porch. This lovely piece which I guess dates back to the 1960's was a yard sale find of $10 (which included delivery to my house.) I was afraid that it was going to have to be given away when I received the gift of new "used" furniture. However I decided that maybe it could stay on the porch.  Fortunately this indoor recliner is unique enough  that I don't think it makes the porch look like a place Bubba and his buddies would hang out and have beers.  Adding this chair has made the gift of my porch even better.  In the morning I can have my quiet time in my recliner, peering at the tree tops and listening to the morning sounds around me.  In the afternoon I can catch a cat nap in my chair.  And in the evening I can read a book in the glow of the mood lighting and listen to the evening sounds.  

As I sit out here this morning my mind goes in a variety of directions.  I feel guilt over unfinished task, parenting decisions, and things I would rather do than pray.  I think about how delightful my porch is this morning and I even feel guilt over that.  (For some reason guilt and shame seem to always be close at hand.) I feel guilty that I complain about things and am not grateful enough for this house and this porch.  Crazy I know.  So as I was sitting here, wrestling with my thoughts, something happened.  All of the sudden I saw this porch as a gift of love.  Yes life is hard.  Yes I am a sinner who is known for poor choices.  Yes I don't show undivided attention to God who sent Jesus to die for my sins.  Yet he loves me. GOD LOVES ME.  He sent Jesus to take upon all my guilt and he gave me this porch.  Sitting on my porch, I feel  really loved.  Shame and guilt, go play in the park because right now I am enjoying the gift from my heavenly father.  I am enjoying my porch and I am knowing that in spite of it all, I am loved.