The sacrifice of healing

I am open about the fact that I find visiting a counselor very helpful. I have done so during various times in my adult life. Last spring my church offered me the opportunity to start seeing a counselor again In light of the challenges Peter was facing. I am grateful for the conversations that I have had with Kelly over the past months. 

I am not a fan of the term self care. The word is too close to the word, selfish which I deem an awful thing.  I haven't come up with a word that I really like. In counseling sessions, there has been conversation though about it being OK to do things for myself or want things for myself. Somewhere in my brain I told myself that other's wants and needs were greater than those of my own and always needed to take priority. I have told myself that this way is more godly. And although, this year I have been practicing, I still struggle a bit with the okayness and healthiness of allowing my wants and needs to cause me to say no to someone else's.

My fractured wrist has helped me appreciate and understand the concept of all people needing care and the need for an individual to sometimes initiate her or his own care. When I fell six weeks ago , it was the arm bone at the wrist that took the brunt. It cracked. In order for it to heal and return to function , it required a cast.  That fractured bone was nestled safe and secure. Meanwhile the effects on the rest of my hand were uncomfortable and often inflicting pain. The cast itched my skin. The cast rubbed raw spots on the hand. Sitting in that locked position for so long made it stiff. The upper arm and shoulder were sore from holding up the weight of the cast. And sometimes even my right hand got really tired from all the extra work it was doing.

The cast is off. I am told that the wrist is not completely healed. I am still tending to it by wearing a brace on occasions and  being gentle with it. However I.am now also paying attention to all the parts around it. The hand is swollen and hot as a result of being released from the cast. My pale, scaly skin is slowly regaining with the help of some lotion.The stiff joints and the sore spots are slowly lessening in pain intensity. I continue to work out the soreness in my arm muscles.

The thing that struck me was how in the effort to heal that bone, the whole arm has made sacrifices. Sacrifices that have been painful to other individual body parts that are now needing attention. When someone suffers or needs extra care, It affects others around it. They make sacrifices. And those sacrifices can cause pain and discomfort. And it's right to take care of those people. Even if that person is his or her ownself. 

With my brother's disabilities, a lot of focus was often put on his needs. Now please hear this clearly, my parents did a lot to make sure that I got attention and care. I was NOT neglected or overlooked by anymeans. I had a great childhood!  Nonetheless, the fact was I, like my parents, made sacrifices or experienced loss as a result of my brother's needs. Sometimes it was painful. Now  I have a son who has great needs. I believe it is right for his benefit that I make sacrifices for him.  And it is often painful. But I am recognizing that its natural and healthy to take care of me sometimes in the midst of caring for him. This can mean letting someone do something for me or my saying no to others. It can mean not always being available to others who want help or attention. 

This has been pictured by this broken wrist. I often feel that the above actions, saying no, not always being available, and not always putting another's perceived needs above mine are selfish. But it's not selfish of my skin to want attention and care. Thus it is not selfish of me to say no, stay home, or do something that brings me joy and refreshment. Honestly I still struggle with this idea. But i'm grateful for my fractured wrist and the picture that it has painted for me. Healing requires sacrifices from each member. Each sacrifice brings its own amount of discomfort or pain to the participating members. And it's not ungodly or selfish for all the parts to want or receive care. 

Cast Party

 When I received my pretty blue cast, the question was whether I would let people sign it.  Personally, I liked the cleaner appearance of an unsigned cast.  When  I got chocolate on it, I did a little drawing (my cast tattoo) to cover it up.  

I did decide that it would be fun to have a little drawing on it before the end.  Considering the 150-plus kids at my school I didn't think the cast was big enough for all of them.  It was Miss Daisy's 2-year-old class that I was in when I fell and injured my wrist.  Since they were with me in the beginning I thought they could help me in the celebration of the end.  The day before it was to be removed, I went in with Sharpies and let those kids draw on my cast.  It was cute.  Now I have plans to turn in my removed cast into some kind of art piece for my office.

Peter Stuff

 Peter's number was not called up for jury duty so he did NOT have to go.  Yay!!! Thank you Jesus

Social Security has not been totally resolved however by reading the letters he received and a little Google research, I see there are 2 different types of money disbursements.  Although he does not qualify for the one he appears to qualify for the other and is currently receiving money.  The state of Medicaid is still in question.  I am hoping Sarah with the Supportive Housing program can help find out.

Peter really wants a car.  We are going shopping today.  Pray I don't freak out but am calm.  And God's will be done!

Peter's sleep issues (can't sleep at night and sleeps all day) are causing some disruptions.  Pray for some solutions and he will be receptive to suggestions.

I really would like Peter to sign a release paper so I can communicate with Avita on his behalf.

Peter wants to redeem Thanksgiving and Christmas having spent them in jail last year.  I continue to pray for some people (in addition to me and Mama Millie) who can help do that.

Thankful in all things

 At the beginning of 2000, I was in Uganda, miserable.  All that was familiar was gone, and I felt stripped of my identity.  I wrote "my boss," mentor, and friend Rosemary Jensen and said I couldn't do this missionary thing.  I was hoping for a response that included plans for my return to the US.  I received instead a simple email telling me to make a list of all the things I could be thankful for.  I was not pleased with that answer.  I began with a rather sarcastic list that made me laugh.  That email began a practice that I still try to implement, especially in life challenges.  I do believe there is a transforming work by expressing thankfulness towards God.

As I am now without a cast and in the final stages of healing my wrist injury, I want to share my gratitude list.

• The injury happened AFTER I was able to have my super fun weekend with Avery, Livie and Elias while their parents were away.  
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• It was my wrist and not a leg or hip.
• It was my left and not my right.
• The injury did not keep me from being able to work.
• It was done on work time, so Workman's comp paid the bills.
• I was sent to an orthopedic office less than a mile from my house that has a fantastic team.
• Peter was understanding when we had to change his birthday plans.  The accident happened on his birthday.
• The injury inspired my trunk-or-treat theme.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Jade's sister was able to bring her as I could not maneuver her wheelchair in and out of the trunk.
• The kids at school were very sympathetic.
• For my mom, Kim, Joy, Laurie, and Cindy who all washed dishes for me.
• For church friend,  Lisa who drove Mom and I, to Mom's appointment in Atlanta when I was not comfortable highway driving.
• For the church friends who came to my house to help with chores.  Big shout out to the Atwell family who came and helped inside and outside my house one Friday afternoon.
• For the opportunity to slow down, practice saying no and be home a bit more.
• For feeling the love and care from my church.
• For a reason to get a manicure fancy nails!
  
  
  

How is Peter?

I find this a tough question.  How is Peter's mental state? his health? his situation?  How do I feel about Peter? What about Peter is true and what do I perceive, project, or fear? There are a variety of angles. 

From the best that I can tell, Peter is well.  His mental health is stable.  I don't think that there is any paranoia, the hearing of voices, crazy grandeur thinking, or major mood swings. He is generally reasonable and fun to be with.  He has been managing his money well. He goes to work 3 evenings a week and I think he does a good job. He and Brent, his roommate, get along and keep the apartment clean. Peter and I have a weekly breakfast and grocery shopping date as well as he and Mamma Millie go to church and lunch on Sundays. He has gained weight due to meds but mostly due to his diet yet he doesn't seem obsessed with it as he has been before.  Peter has been on this lower dose of Olanzapine for 9 months and it seems to be keeping the bad effects away while preserving Peter's true person.  These are good things.  Amazing things for which I am grateful.

There are things ahead that have me a bit apprehensive.  I am trying not to worry or panic.  Yet with his past history, it's hard not to go down the trail of  "what if." I will share them because that is part of what this space is for.  I vent.  You pray.  And hopefully, I remember to share the way God worked through it.

 *side note - my wrist is healing best I can tell.  The cast is often irritating and limiting.  I am scheduled to have it removed this coming Wednesday.  It is hard (though not impossible ) to type with it.  So this may be a more limited telling than intended.

• Peter is scheduled for Jury duty this week.  Peter's Avita doctor, for reasons unknown, would not sign him an excuse.  I can hope he does not get called to appear as has happened with me.  Ultimately I aim to trust God will use experience in a positive way that I can't imagine.
• Alexis with Supportive Housing who has been so great helping Peter, has left for another job.  I have talked with Sarah who is his case manager. I am hopeful.  I learned that the agency that has been so helpful, isn't the agency I thought was helping, If that makes sense. It was Avita Act Team that got him his housing through Supportive Housing.  That program, Supportive Housing has been the heavy lifter in helping Peter the past months  My hope is that Sarah will help with the SSI as Alexis was the one who had been.
• There is nothing new on the SSI disability however Peer has been receiving checks (larger than disability) from Social Security that I don't understand.  Yet I am grateful for the money.  The impending loss of Medicaid in January is the unsettling part.
• Peter has been saving all this money because presently Peter's living expenses are low, He is now ready to buy a car.  This is the part that freaks me out.  His added independence would be nice but his car history...oh the anxiety it stirs up.  And though his mental state is good, he will buy what is shiny in his price range but perhaps not the most sound. We may be car shopping next weekend. 
• The communication with the Avita agency is poor.  Peter needs to sign something so they can talk with me.  It would be helpful for me to know what they can and can't do.
• There here are a couple of legal issues that I feel I need to help Peter with (medical debt and praise God and thank
• My desires for Peter spiritually and socially continue to weigh heavily.

There are a lot of "what if's" but even so many more "Praise God".  God has done amazing things for Peter in the past year.  I am grateful and thankful to you for your coming along beside me.