Crickets

My friend was telling me a story the other day.   In the story she said " and well after she said that, "crickets." In other words, there was no response.  All you could hear were crickets because no one said anything.  I liked the expression.

I like the sound of crickets on a summer evening.  Especially after a noisy busy day.  But crickets day after day with no sounds to break it up can drive one crazy. 

Several have asked what news do I have from Peter.  Well, "crickets."

Peter will have been at the local Behavioral Health Hospital a week as of tomorrow.  He has made no attempt to call me.  I have called every other day to reach out.  But because he has not contacted me, I do not have the security code and they can't tell me anything.  I leave his name,  my name and number, and message.  And the kind person on the other end will say, "It we have someone by that name, we will give him the message."

By spying on his my chart patient portal I can tell that he had a phone appointment with his Psychiatrist on last Wednesday.  Via a phone call from the Behavioral Therapist who called me Friday, I learned that Peter has claimed himself as homeless, was not  near ready to release at the time, and well that's about it.  Because Peter is not seeking out my participation in this process, I am limited on what can be shared.  The Behavioral Therapist did ask about Peter going to a residential program.  When I told her that had been my desire and insurance had lead us into a brick wall she said she knew of a place in Florida that took Peter's insurance.  My response was Peter has often talked about living in Florida!  There appears to be multiple hurdles to get him into a program, but hope was rekindled.

The problem with "crickets" is the longer time passes the more the imagination whirs.  In the beginning of Peter's recent hospital stay it was just relief.  Not my responsibility, nothing I can do.  But as time goes on the sound of crickets is deafening.  And the ability to do nothing can drive me a bit nuts.  Even praying seems like it is bouncing.  Or I worry that I am wearying of praying and oh no what if I am not praying enough.  But I keep telling myself truth. Peter is in a safe place. God is at work.  God's time table is not mine.  God hears and answers even my feeble attempt at praying. He loves that boy more than I do.

So as Peter comes to your mind, your prayers for his mind, heart, salvation and the next step are greatly appreciated!

Not always crisis

For the past couple of weeks I have intended to create a post to share some of the joy in my life.  I don't want this space to always feel like all I ever experience is crisis.  There are many things I am grateful for and many things that bring me joy.

Waiting for Dinner on Mother's Day (Peter was off in the Mall)

Mom is a source of joy.  She is feeling well most of the time.  She is independent and of sound mind.  Mom bakes cookies for people weekly, has lunch with Peter regularly and attends water exercise several times a week, She tends to her flowers (and now also several large pots she planted in her neighborhood.) When she doesn't have a project, she is tackling a puzzle.  I find joy in stopping by and helping her every now and then.  Those puzzles can be addictive.  I am grateful for her health and overall well being.

I thoroughly love my job.  It gives me the creative outlet as well as lets me serve and help people.  I design  photo sets at the front of our school entry, changing them out every couple of weeks.  I also get to take art into the classroom and create bulletin boards and other elements of decor throughout our school.  These bring restoration to my soul. But my greatest joy is that a few months ago I started teaching the bible in our weekly chapel every week.  I get to plant seeds of truth in little sponges.  This summer we will have Wednesday Worship in which we will have music and devotions for all ages.  To be leading that is so fun! 

I get to live in a great little house with a yard that allows me to work hard, create and get lots of vitamin D.  Yesterday I spent over an hour trying to decide on what herbs to buy as well as some flowers for my porch. Did I tell you mom bought me a battery powered EOS lawnmower?  It has headlights and is quieter than gas powered.  As the guy at Lowes said, I can cut the grass at 3 AM if I want to.  But I don't

God has given me good friends and I do not take that for granted.

With all of that said I do want to give you a brief update.  In contrast, Peter continues to struggle.  For two weeks after his hospital stay he was doing well.  He was taking his meds, pleasant to be with and had gone back to working at the bowling alley.  He had made plans for he and I to attend a Braves game tonight.  Something that I yet know happened at work Saturday afternoon.  He quit or was fired and it sent him into a spiral.  He became angry with me when I did not respond as fast or in the way he wanted to his text and phone calls.  He cut me off and told me to leave him alone.  Following, he did have some text communications with mom.  I gently reached out while keeping my distance with no response.  Monday evening the hospital called that he had brought himself in and as his emergency contact they called me looking for some info.  I followed up Tuesday to find out he was given a bed at our Local Mental Health Hospital, the one his doctor is associate with.  I know he is there but because he has not reached out to me with his ID number I can not get any information. So we continue to pray for God's intervention and THY will be done.

You can't always get what you wantl

But if you try sometimes, you'll find you get what you need.

It's the phrase I have been singing to whiney "I want's" for over  15 years.  Grade school and middle school age kids roll their eyes and groan but preschooler burst into giggles.  I think the air guitar helps.  Honestly singing the chorus of the Rolling Stones famous song is a great way to diffuse a case of the "I wants."  It's funniest when little kids start initiating it to others when their friends are lamenting their wants.

I confess it is the chorus that has been going through my head this week.  Here is a quick summary of where Peter is at. Peter was dismissed from the hospital Monday afternoon.  He is back in his apartment.  I am grateful to  mom for providing it's availability to keep him from having to deal with the eviction process.  It is available to him through the end of his 2 month notice which ends June 30th. In spite of great efforts on my part as well as that of others, a residential transitional program was not available to him.  The main obstacle was his very limited insurance policy.  Out of pocket cost were around $100,000 for the recommended three month stay. It was quite frustrating.  I was "knocking on doors" up to the hour before I picked him up.  

Peter is on two new medications and appears to be compliant with taking them.  I was very aware of the mania he was experiencing but was unaware of the crying and depression he was under.  He seems less aware of the mania effects but wants to keep away the crying/depression part so currently is motivated to take the medication.  With this in place he is pretty much back to what I would call his typical self.  It's nice to see.  There are many things I am grateful for.  

• We were able to see his psychiatrist within 24 hours of getting home which was great.  I really appreciate her and was glad to get her in the loop.
• Peter was able to get his job at the bowling alley back.  (Midway through his hospital stay I discovered his bowling alley employee shirt which clued me in to that being his place of work.) This is likely temporary but I am grateful for it.  He needs the social and the income.
• Peter is communicative with me and the hostility is gone.  He's still kind of goofy and annoying but it's the Peter I expect and appreciate.
• So far no negative side effects from the medication.
• Grateful for the provision of his apartment and the time it allows him to figure out the next step.

Of course there are lots of concerns and questions about what is next.

• A place to live come July that is more centrally located to town and me.
• A job that works well with that location (and his walking feet) as well as gives him purpose and the right kind of community
• Payment of medical bills that are surely to come in as well as provision for a needed surgery by the end of the year.
• Peer group - that he would be willing to participate in NAMI's peer support group or we could find some kind of helpful therapist that he would be willing to see.
• We are looking for a few small furniture items for his apartment.
• That he will get in the routine of taking his medication. 
• Wisdom for the doctors in figuring out the best medication and dosages with minimal side effects that allow Peter to be his truest personality.
• For me to know what and how to ask others to help him.  I feel really strongly about him needing a sense of support and community but not always sure how to get others involved.

I may not have gotten what I wanted but I fully trust in God that he has heard your prayers and has and will continue to provide what we need.

Contact made

After Peter being in the hospital 8 days, I finally was able to get info.  Peter at last signed the release form. I now know the medication he is on as well as a little more idea of his mood and activity.  I can also tell from his daily phone call that he is less agitated  However his thoughts seem muddled and he is grasping for identity.  He is in particular desperate to know who his parents are. He says his thoughts continue to race.  I still don't know time frame or next step but think pretty safe to say nothing will happen this weekend. 

Specific prayer request - I need Peter to sign a couple of papers for me in regards to getting him out of his lease as well as my being able to access his mail.  I feel the need to get that accomplished this weekend but don't anticipate it being simple.

Also pray for the Doctors as they administer medication - it feels like such a game of chance, trying to figure out what works best with minimal side effects.

I also am scheduled for Jury duty next week.  I trust that will all work along with anything I might need to do for Peter.

Thank you

Tuesday Morning

 This will be brief.

• Peter has called for past 3 days at least once, very agitated wanting me to get him out.  Last night he told me he needed me to "bring out Mama Bear" as I did that one other time when they had him on a horrible medication.
• Sunday and Monday, I could not get a real person at the hospital to talk with me.
• I finally reached a nurse this morning who confirmed that he was very agitated and angry but because Peter had not signed a release, could not tell me any information.  He was asleep and she couldn't get him awake to sign it while I was on hold.
• Peter implied and she confirmed without "really telling me" that he was on some kind of medication now. But I don't know which
• His future after the hospital is still very unknown.
• The issue with his apartment is unresolved as still waiting for some info. 

Things asking God to do:

• ****Peter will calm down - be less agitated ****
• Peter will sign papers so that I can be in the loop .
• Give wisdom to know what to do regarding his apartment 
• Provide a safe and therapeutic place for Peter to go after leaving the hospital
• A medication that will stabilize Peter yet allow him to be his truest self (not doped up).