Short status report

 Mom

Mom's heart Cath procedure went well.  There was no blockage in her heart and we were in and out of outpatient within 7 hours.  She recovered well at home and is feeling better each day.  It does appear that the new pacemaker is making the needed improvements in her heart.  She is scheduled for a echocardiogram (I think that's the one) in April that will indicate if it has helped her heart recover it's function.  I am hopeful. There are various body quirks that come with being 86 but overall mom seems to be doing much better and on the verge of regaining energy and resuming her active life.

Peter

This week he is reaching out to me.  Because he is coming down to the end of his rent money and not getting the job he wants, he is asking for "my support."  Exactly what that help is fluctuated yesterday between moving back in and money for a car so he can take his "dream job." In his desperation his mind is whirling and as are his plans and conversation.  I spent a couple of hours with him yesterday evening and his plans and topics of conversation went back and forth and all over.

I am really no where closer to knowing what to do next.  I don't want him to live with me (remember he has no room) nor does he want that either.  However helping him (whatever that looks like) might be the leverage to get him to try medication again which is what I believe he really needs to be able to function somewhat independently. He may or may not be willing if a carrot is dangled.  However my carrot patch is a bit spars. Anyway bottom line is please continue to pray for: wisdom for me and my mom regarding our responses to him, that he would have some clarity to make needed decisions, resources and options for him and for me to know what "I am to do next."  

As always thank you for praying for us .  It is appreciated greatly!

  

Moving Forward

 I wanted to give a little update of what has been happening since the last posting.

Mom:

Mom went home Saturday afternoon March 11th.  She is regaining her energy as she recovers from the pacemaker surgery. Mom is still sore and limited, yet it seems to have helped as her breathing is much improved and she has not had any swelling in her feet.  We met with her main cariologist today and he was pleased with the progression.  This past Thursday she met with two  different doctors and when we weren't in their offices I was on the phone trying to get a hold of another one doctor.  A procedure had been planned for today called a TEE that involved going through mom's esophagus to see what was happening with her heart.  This was a problem because of mom's esophagus issues.  She has had it stretched several times and the last time it was done the Dr.  told me she shouldn't have any more procedures like that as tearing was too risky.  We managed to get it postponed and today the Cardiologist confirmed it would be best for her not to have it.  The "never happened" heart Cath  from the hospital visit has been rescheduled for this Wednesday.  I really do appreciate her Cardiologist.  He is agreement that they continue to do all they can to improve mom's heart function. Just prior to hospitalization, it was down to 20-25% as opposed to 55-60% where it should be. He says this improvement is hopeful with the new pacemaker, the findings in the heart Cath and the medications she is on.  Yet he seems to understand quality of her life is as important to the function of her heart.  

Mom and I took a little road trip into the North GA mountains yesterday to meet up with an old family friend we hadn't seen in MANY years.  His mother was a good friend of my mom's 50 years back and she just died last month. It was a beautiful day for a drive and fun to reconnect. 

Thank you for praying for her as she has her heart cath procedure Wednesday and  continues to recover.  I know she is anxious to get outside to plant flowers!

Peter:

I have not heard much from him in the past week. We had a brief meet up last Thursday that did no end well. He says he has been applying for a job although he is specific about what he wants and doesn't.  He also says he will either get a job so he can pay rent or live in a shelter.  He told me that he wanted me to leave him alone.  That is what would make him happy.  Since then he has answered my text when I needed pin number info and he has asked me an information question.  That's what I know.  I don't know what he really needs but I know what I think he needs or want him to have.  So I am going to share my prayer request for him.  But I could be wrong (about all but the needing Jesus part) so pray as you are so led.

• A job he can be successful at
• housing he can afford
• someone or a group of someone's to take an interest in him and invest in him * this is the one I have been begging for!!!
• he is needing a surgical procedure - not life threatening but highly recommended 
• sound mind
• and most of all JESUS

In regards to Peter I need wisdom about paying his health insurance or not; getting his new phone transaction done this week - I would love someone else to be the go between for us: wisdom to know when and how to help especially when he says he doesn't want it; divine intervention in the intense anxiety over him that I occasionally experience.

Me:

I thought the rollercoaster I was on with Peter when he was living here was intense.  Turns out it was little more than a "Scooby Doo" in comparison to the Fury 325 I currently am riding.  (Carowinds reference.)  I can fluctuate between the great joy of peace in my home to the terror of the unknown in about 10 seconds.  I have known that I have control issues since I was 19 when it was pointed out to me. I am realizing how much of my life has been spent trying to control things so that I can stay off of such rollercoasters.  It has done some damage.  And now I find it hard to break in areas that I have let my efforts at control take hold and terrifying in places where any pretense of control has been ripped away from me. 

Easter weekend happens to fall on my annual personal Beach trip to Sea View Inn, Pawleys Island this year. I lay claim to the best room in the Inn during the second weekend of April.  I actually added an extra night this year because I was having to pack up and leave just about the time I was finally getting relaxed. The trip is a highlight of my year and the current carrot dangling in front of me.  Truthfully I am anxious and fearful that something will happen while I am gone or that something will prevent me from going.  I will accept whatever comes but I don't want the trip to be clouded in fear.

Thank you for your inquiry's, encouragement, and prayers.  It is much appreciated.

Peter breaks the silence

When I received the text last night (Friday) from Peter, asking when we could talk, I was pretty sure I knew what was coming. 

Peter quit his  Red Lobster job. He felt wrongly treated and left last night.  

For an hour last night he talked about how hard it was for him as a hard worker to work with people who didn't work hard,  That he was often taken advantage of as well as singled out and treated unfairly.  He was concluding that he shouldn't work or needed a "career" as that would somehow be different.  Yes I reminded him, that he needed to do something to live on as his room at my house was no longer available.  I also told him chances were good he could not get disability or unemployment when he brought them up. Other than that I mostly listened. 

Today he called with his plans to sue the employer for various infractions.  I did not deny him that as an option but reminded him those things take time and his immediate need should be working so he can have a place to live and food to eat.

Conversation indicates there is a lack of mental reasoning.  Yet he still does not see the need for medication.

I am in a bit of pickle as to how to help.  Remember, I took over his room so housing him feels like no longer a real option.  And I don't have the financial means to support him.

I think that is enough to tell you to keep praying for that boy.  

Impromptu "holiday"

 So I wouldn't say this makes up for our canceled New Years Beach trip, but mom and I have had a little three night "get away." It has been at our local hospital, Georgia Heart Institute. We have bonded over food (or the lack of it) , the doctor parade and middle of the night nurse checks.  But Lord willing this trip will be limited to three nights and we will be headed home today (Saturday.)

I will try to make this succinct while answering questions for those of you who have received bits and pieces during our stay.  The summary is that mom has known heart failure.  After dealing with Afib issues, a micro lead pacemaker was put in 2 years ago.  Recent doctor visits have revealed that her heart functioning was decreasing and that it may be attributed to the pacemaker.  So over the next 6 weeks, mom had several doctor appointments scheduled to address the issue with the possibility of a new pace maker.  For the past week mom had not been feeling her best with symptoms including nausea and shortness of breath.  It had highs and lows and was being addressed with doctors.  However this past Tuesday night, mom hit the point of saying it was time to go to the emergency room.  Once she was able to get me to realize that the noise on my phone was her calling and not my alarm that could be ignored, we made an early morning run to the hospital Wednesday.  Within 6 hours she had been seen in the ER by the beginning of what would be a parade of doctors, given a diuretic to remove the fluid from her lungs, and told she would need to stay overnight. 

With the removal of the fluid, she was able to breath better and the nausea began to fade.  On Thursday we experienced the full employment of the doctor parade.  This hospital (1/2 a mile from my house) is a teaching hospital as well as a leading heart hospital.  If you are going to experience heart failure, this is the town to live in. Therefore mom did not just have a doctor or two attending to her but multiple teams of doctors, residence and students.  Thursday morning within an hour  no less that 25 people came through mom's room where she graciously held court.  After conferring with the various teams, the decision was made for mom to have a different style of pacemaker implanted that very day as well as a heart Cath performed Friday to determine if there were  blockages contributing to her decreased heart function.  So Thursday afternoon she had a pace maker put in and spent the rest of the evening into the next morning on bedrest.  Friday, in anticipation of the heart cath, she was unable to eat.  That along with the discomfort of Thursday's surgery and some other aches made for a very long day..  As it turns out she was finally in the que for her heart cath when the surgeon came to talk with her.  A lady had come in with a heart attack and she was going to need to go first and he wasn't sure when he would be able to get to mom.  By then it was after 4 pm.  So after some discussion it was concluded that mom would forgo the procedure then, hopefully go home the next day (Saturday) and return as an outpatient next week for the hart cath.  Mom was such a trooper.  In spite of being hungry and having waited all day  for a canceled procedure, her greater concern was for the woman who had the heart attack and required the doctors attention.  Over the next several hours, she was able to eat some food as well as get some pain relief and she perked back up.  By Saturday morning the uncomfortable pressure bandage was gone, her belly was being kept full and she had an iron infusion so she was feeling much like herself. 

So now we sit and wait hoping the parade of doctors will start soon and with it declare it is the finale and we can go home.

Survivors guilt?

It's been three weeks since Peter moved out.  I have seen him once when I drove him to a doctor's appointment in a neighboring town.  He spoke about 30 words to me roundtrip.  All communication has been text, basically about something he needed me to do for him.  I have not been invited into his apartment even to the point of being told not to come.  On the positive side, he has reached out to mom to meet for lunch once a week for which I am grateful. Her report is that the job isn't his dream job but he really likes living on his own and being independent.  I wish I had a mileage read out of how much walking Peter does a week.  I am proud of him for doing the hard thing and fighting to be independent. 

It does sadden me that he does not want involvement with me.  I can't help but think at times,  "was I really that bad of a mother?? Did I do that horrible of a job?"  I know I failed in many ways. Yet I also know I tried to the best of my ability and I am okay with the grace that will need to cover my failures. But in all honesty I can echo Peter's declaration.  "I  really like living on my own and being independent!"  I took over his room as my own, thanks to Mom and her handy man neighbor who restored the beat up space. I have spread out my stuff making my old room the craft/guest room.  I want to get a twin bed but meanwhile I have an air mattress for anyone who wants to come. Things are in there places and there is a peace and calm that has taken up residence in my house.  I do occasionally catch myself blaming Peter for various things being misplaced or messed up to only realize it had to be me.  I am the only one who lives there!!  Honestly and truly I am enjoying having my own sacred space and living alone.  But then...

....comes the guilt.  It might be something like survivors guilt.  I feel bad that I am enjoying Peter not being around.  I think of all the space I have and it feels so extravagant.  I knew large families in Africa that lived in homes even a third the size of my current home.  It feels selfish.  I had a therapist once tell me that I didn't seem to have much problem accepting  that God would allow suffering in my life but I had much more difficulty accepting the good, gifts and blessing . I think there is some truth to that. So currently I am practicing gratitude over guilt.  I am thankful for my cute house, my sweet bedroom, my extra space and my big walk in closet!