Today I am feeling a bit unsettled. And I can't quite put my finger on it or explain it. It is not new and it is frequents on Sundays. Today it feels considerably intense. I am going to try to process it out here a bit. So brace yourself - or skip this one for that matter - because this could be choppy, emotional, disconnected and messy.
I will start with my pained heart for Peter. I am watching him sit home alone every day watching TV and playing on his phone. He can't drive anywhere and doesn't have a job. He wants a job and has been daily applying. From best I can tell, he has no "friends" communicating with him via his phone. I see his Facebook post with no comments. He is not unpleasant to be around and mentally is in a good place. So it pains me to see his isolation. I offer little nuggets of time and assistance but I am mom and it isn't the same as friends and co-workers. I want to fix it and I can't. So I grieve for what I see and then I get mad.
I think of men who over the years have said they would come and take him to do this or that, and never did. There are those who after one attempt and when Peter did not show much enthusiasm never tried again. There are those that offered "things" when what he needed was people. Now in all fairness Peter has often been less than responsive. I attribute that to a lot of wounds and baggage yet this has not made him easy. I know that as an adolescent, my own summation was that Peter was just cold and materialistic. Yet over the past couple of years as Peter has talked more to me, I have been made more aware of his vulnerable side and his want to "belong." I recently learned that he always wanted a big birthday party. He had been planning them in his head and it makes him now want to plan events for others. I had no idea. So as I have often said, he needs people willing to pursue him. And I get frustrated because I have seen little of it. I think of the church that kicked him out of Sunday School as a grade schooler because of his behavior. There is the youth minister who said Peter needed to come to the youth activities for them to minister to them. (I am paraphrasing but that was the gist.) Peter isn't a member of a church and currently has told me he only believes in what he sees and there is no proof for God. When I recently I told a deacon of a church this, his response was, well I need to talk with him. But I don't think he really meant it because he didn't ask for how to get in touch with Peter. When peter was a little boy, church in Africa was 2 hours long and for an ADHD kid it was miserable. In the US he was kicked out of Sunday School. That is to name just 2 of the reasons Peter is not seeking help and solace in the Church. And I wonder is the church seeking out the Peter's?
Part of the pain in watching this with Peter, is we saw this similar thing with my brother. He wanted to be part of social groups but his disabilities often made him a lot of work to be around, sometimes even uncomfortable (if you were a single girl) and his inability to drive limited him. We watched him deal with isolation and rejection. And I know other friends that I believe to some degree are experiencing this isolation and loneliness. Some of this exagerated by Covid but for many this isolation was happening even before. And honestly I want to save them all. And I can't. In Peter's case, I can't be what I want him to have - a social network of friends outside of family. So not only am I mad, I feel guilty. I begin to think, am I doing what I want the church to do? Are my expectations of others too much? Am I accusing people who are serving others just because I see Peter alone. Am I being a friend to the lonely? Am I reaching out and pursuing the hard to love?
The other part of my unsettlement today is connected. I feel the needs of others as well as my own expectations at home are so great that I don't know how to rest. Even fun things like cooking or crafts can be draining as I "have to get them done." I become paralyzed and find myself doing mindless non productive things like scrolling through Pinterest or watching YouTube videos. Then I beat myself up for wasting time that could have been used productively even if that productively is suppose to be "rest" - like a nap, or reading, or sitting on my porch swing. Being productive is evidently a high priority and mark of success in my mind. And when I think of spiritual resting - observing a Sabbath I feel like that means doing spiritual things like reading Christian books or the bible. So I justify by "working" while listening to sermons or praise music. I feel like social activity - talking on the phone with a friend, writing a letter or even hanging with my mom are right and good Sabbath activities. But as an introvert even they can be taxing at some point. And when I am alone I feel like I need to work to get those things done that no one else is going to do. I can't find contentment in rest or work
I started a side hustle as a Child Life Coach when invited by a friend into her biblical counseling practice. I have my business set up but no clients. So I feel like I should be using this time to research and prepare - because I really don't feel qualified. Or at least I should be busy marketing myself so I can have clients to pay the expenses of the business. Its another thing I need to be doing and yet not easy so its not getting done. I feel like I waste time. So I come to today where nothing is planned and tomorrow's holiday provides extra time and I am like "okay lets get stuff done!!!" But I don't know where to start because I KNOW plenty will be left undone and I will feel defeated. Then I tell myself it is Sunday - rest. And I am like, "but I don't know how to rest!".
And there you have it, my muddled emotions and unrest - laid out before you like vomit on the rug. I am sorry. Now at this point I could delete this but I am not going to. Sometimes we feel better after we throw up. Maybe you need to know that your not the only one that throws up sometimes. Maybe I need to be vulnerable and let you know that I know that I am a mess. Maybe there is something in here you need to hear.
Now that I have emotionally tossed my cookies I am going to grab some spiritual Pedialyte for refreshment (all verses God brought my way today) and go spend 10 minutes in the cool air of the front porch.
Todays Spiritual Pedialyte
2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.
Psalm 139:7-10 Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? if I go up to the heavens you are there; if I make my bed in the depths you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."
Isiah 58:11 The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well watered garden like a spring whose waters never fail."
