A Tuesday Tangent

Today's discovery  - I do not relax well.  

So I declared today my "day off" - a "do nothing day." Though I have only worked part time this summer (mornings at a preschool) the days have felt really busy with going here and there and doing this and that. Tomorrow I take Peter to boarding school for football camp. The day is full with social and work plans. The next day our city schools return thus the After School Program I lead will commence.  And since we start work at the preschool next Monday, I am trying to get a head start. All of that to say, things are gearing up. I did not work at the preschool yesterday or today so I got this great plan.  I decided to work hard yesterday to clean house, get needed school work turned in, and run errands so that I could hang out at home in my PJ's and do "nothing."  So yesterday I worked on school work, bought school supplies, and tackled the house including Peter's laundry.  I felt that the locker room aroma of his room required that it ALL be washed!  Okay so I was up into the wee (and I mean wee) hours of the morning cleaning house (baseboards, laundry, self cleaning the oven, vacuuming, etc) all with the goal of " I am going to do "nothing" when I finally wake up tomorrow!"  I had visions of lounging on my bed watching Netflix, reading, eating whatever didn't need cooked and having no time commitments all while clad in my PJ's.  Nice dream but the reality is that I just don't know how to do that.

I woke up and thought "let me just finish up Peter's Laundry." Followed by "let me put the dishes on the counter away so it is really clean looking."  This was soon followed by "ought to paint my toenails." I told myself that was leisurely right.  Those "just let me do real quick" was followed by cooking breakfast, putting soup in the crock pot, hanging a new calendar, making my bed, responding to e-mails, checking my bank statement, and well you get the picture.  I need to go to the post office before 5.  I tell myself walking would be "leisurely." And oh I am waiting for this guy to come buy the old lawn mower.  He was to be here earlier but was delayed so I am "waiting."  At some point Peter is going to need a Pizza.  And I get that need as it is his last night at home before going to school .  I am too cheap to resort to delivery and will probably go out to get one. I should go for a run because you know I am in "training."  And it just goes on and on

I have concluded that the problem is not that I have too much to do.  The problem is that I don't know how to stop doing.  I don't know how to stop and relax.  There is something that tells me I have to be doing.  I often blame it on others - too much work, Peter's request, etc - but the problem lies within.  I can even tell myself that "I want to do these things."  I will say "well it makes me feel better when the house is clean, recipe files organized, people's needs met.".  And it does but why do I need to "do these things" to make myself feel better?  

So next time you here me say how busy I am or that I never have time to relax, you will know the truth.  I just haven't figured out how to stop doing.

Since even writing this post has an element of doing something to check off my list, I think I will close.

Oh but can I tell you one funny thing?  I have always thought that  Peter and I are so opposite in every way. This summer though I have begun to realize that there are more similarities than I realized.  One of them is that neither of us likes to go to bed.  We are night owls who fight observing a descent bed time even when exhausted.  I slacked off with his bedtime curfews this summer because well I "get it."  Last night when I told him I was going to get the house cleaning done even if it meant staying up late, he asked if he could stay up all night.  Peter and I started the tradition of "all nighters" when he was about eight. It involves the TV and junk food.  He always looked forward to his one all nighter during the summer.  I know he does it now when staying at his friend Abe's so I didn't think much about declaring it an all nighter.  I said sure, especially since I was determined to get my housework done before going to bed.  At 3 AM he was watching TV and I was vacuuming.  I got to hoping that we weren't keeping the neighbors awake.  It was funny that when I had run the vacuum cleaner just a little too long for his preferences (I was deep cleaning), Peter said "Mom, are you done vacuuming.  It is 3 AM."  For some reason It struck me as funny.  We are so different and yet here we were two night owls acting like it was daytime.