Thank you

Hey.  I just wanted to say Thank you. I know people have been praying for me since I posted yesterday. After some morning anxiety, a good cry and a prayer of exasperation, I really did have a considerably peaceful day.  I actually had a sense of anticipation.  Nothing external really changed but I was almost joyful throughout the day.  Go figure!  It had to be friends like you praying. Peter went to church without the usual war and did what was asked without to much hoopla. (Perhaps it was motivated by knowing that I was attending open house at the Military School.)  So yes,  I did go to the open house. I realized that it is an honor for Peter to have been accepted at such a school.  It also confirmed that it would definitely provide discipline, structure and academic motivation that I struggle to provide. No one offered me any more money.  My peace is simply that if God provides money (in whatever form that may be), I will trust that this is the school for Peter. I confess that I did a little "retail therapy" after the open house to sooth my soul from the information overload. I bought a plant for my porch and for some very strange yet to be figured out reason, a "Jimmy Buffet" CD.  When I got home, I realized perhaps I should have bought a Lottery Ticket. 

Thanks for you prayers today.  I am indeed grateful.

Looking for Peace

So I am not sure exactly what to write today.  I can't come up with any real clever package. After I learned that even with the Military school's discount, I needed to find between 14 and 18 thousand dollars for Peter to be able to attend this year, I kind of shut down.  I didn't want to think about it or talk about it. Then I rallied. I started applying the ideas friends have presented.  I called the school again and was assured that my coming to meet in person won't increase how much I can be given in aide.  So I try to think of different employment that would double my income yet is legal. I think of researching scholarship options and get exhausted just anticipating it.  I keep trying to "figure" it out and can't.  I have also tried to accept that this is the end of the road.  But truth is every time I do, I encounter someone attending or working at the school.   I am not convinced that merely investigating the school is as far as God plans to take us.  Tomorrow there is an open house at the school.  I signed up to go and take Peter.  However I have conflict with that.  I don't anticipate him wanting him to go without a fight.  And I don't really want to take him if I don't know that I can follow through with him actually being able to attend in the fall.  I will be down right honest, I am scared. I am scared that at the open house I will just burst into tears for all or no reasons.  I am scared  for Peter to attend the school next year, yet I am scared for him if he doesn't go there. And I am scared that somehow I am not doing "something" that I am suppose to, whatever that something is.  I think it is safe to say that currently I am looking for some kind of direction from God. I am looking for a plan. But most of all I am looking for peace.

When the path appears to end

About a year ago I became so frustrated with parenting Peter that I began looking at boarding school options.  After a fair amount of research and a few counseling sessions, I stopped looking and decided to just "hang on for the ride." However this winter,  Riverside Military Academy (located just two miles from my house) kept being placed before me in conversations.  Several times someone asked me if I had considered it for Peter.  My general response was that I didn't have that kind of money ($30,000 a year for boarding students or $18,000 for a day student.) And the response I would receive was that I shouldn't let that stop me.  Around that time, I also came across two sets of parents who sent their sons to the school and were glad that they had. There came a point in which I sensed that God was leading me to look at this school as an option for Peter. So with my bible study group praying each step of the way for me to take the needed action, I began the journey.  I started by working up the nerve to make the call to the school to see if it was absolutely absurd for someone of my income to apply.  The response I received was that  it didn't hurt to apply for admission, then if accepted I could apply for financial aide.  I filled out the application this spring and was surprised when Peter was accepted without an interview.  Next I proceeded by filling out the lengthy form for financial aid.   Yesterday I was told that Peter has been awarded  approximately half tuition. It is substantial, none the less I do not have the needed remaining money. After taking step after step as it unfolds, I have come to a place where I don't see a next step.  It is one thing to say  "if this is what God intends, he will make it happen," then go do something towards the goal.  It is another thing to say it and not see anything that you can do.  So I guess now I just wait. I figure I am either waiting for a miracle or waiting for peace to come that this is far as this journey goes.

Why?

I ran a 5K yesterday.  It was an out and back, up and down some crazy hills.  My time was slower than I have been recently clocking but considering the hills, I was pleased. And to my surprise I came home with a Silver medal in my age division.  Turning 45 has its perks in the running world because I am now in the 45-49 age bracket and yesterday was my third medal this spring.  It also pays to find races that have few runners. In April I brought home my first medal when I placed 3rd out of 3 people in my age division.  It was a real surprise when a few weeks later I received third place and there was actually more than 3 people in my age division. I was actually third yesterday but the person who took first was so fast that she  took first place Master, bumping me up to 2nd.   It is all kind of fun but here is what I keep wondering . . . .

• Why do I feel the need to emphasize that when I got my first third place medal, there was only 3 people in my age division?
• Why do I feel the need to emphasize that when I got the second medal, the race was full of people simply supporting the cause thus the competition wasn't fierce?
• Why do I need to tell you that I really didn't take second place but third yesterday?
• Why do I need to tell you that these are small races thus getting a medal doesn't mean that much?
• Why do I always feel like it isn't that big of a deal because I am not really fast in comparison to many? In fact looking at yesterdays stats, I was number 58 out of 107 participants. Yesterday I averaged a 11.29 minute mile.  (My fastest is 11 minute mile.) Why do I need to tell you that?  Why do I want to tell you that one guy was walking with a cane so my being faster than him doesn't really count?
• Why do I feel like somehow I didn't really earn the medals and it is no big deal?
• Why do I struggle to celebrate my accomplishments?

I don't know exactly.  I do know that this same thing happens in other areas of my life. And I am not exactly sure how to change it but I guess recognition is the first step.

So yeah me -I got up at 5:30 on a Saturday morning so I could run a 5K (3.2 miles).  I got a bright yellow T-shirt to prove it.  And I got a silver medal too!!!!  I will choose to believe the following quotes and try - really try to stop making disclaimers about my victories, whatever they may be!

"Whether it is a 7 minute mile or a 14 minute mile, it is still a mile."

"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch."

My Front Porch

My house is small.  The kitchen is extremely lacking in counter space and has no dishwasher.  I have to pull out the dryer, blocking the back door to get it to dry clothes efficiently. There is no central heating or air conditioning. The awkward bedroom arrangement requires Peter to go though my bedroom into the bathroom to get  to his bedroom. There are some challenges with this little old house.  Of course there are some concessions.  I live in a great location in the center of town. The house is owned by friends and the rent price is amazing for the location. I live in an area that has great places for running. There is a yard that is big enough but not too big. The yard has a variety of beautiful foliage planted by previous owners. There are great neighbors on one side and a park on the other.  My neighbors have two huge, deep voiced dogs which provide a free security system.  The house is old so it has character and it was renovated a few years back so it is not falling apart.  But the best part, the gift of my house, is the front porch.

The front porch is the same size as the living room.  It has a quaint white rail around it flanked by a variety of beautiful foliage which gives it some privacy. The porch is roomy enough that I have a farm table and chairs plus a rod iron glider love seat on the porch. String lights flank the porch ceiling giving it an inviting glow when I come home in the evening.  I take great delight in adding seasonal decorations to the front door and table. Recently I added a new piece.  During a furniture rearrangement in the house, I carried my retro reclining lounge chair out to the porch. This lovely piece which I guess dates back to the 1960's was a yard sale find of $10 (which included delivery to my house.) I was afraid that it was going to have to be given away when I received the gift of new "used" furniture. However I decided that maybe it could stay on the porch.  Fortunately this indoor recliner is unique enough  that I don't think it makes the porch look like a place Bubba and his buddies would hang out and have beers.  Adding this chair has made the gift of my porch even better.  In the morning I can have my quiet time in my recliner, peering at the tree tops and listening to the morning sounds around me.  In the afternoon I can catch a cat nap in my chair.  And in the evening I can read a book in the glow of the mood lighting and listen to the evening sounds.  

As I sit out here this morning my mind goes in a variety of directions.  I feel guilt over unfinished task, parenting decisions, and things I would rather do than pray.  I think about how delightful my porch is this morning and I even feel guilt over that.  (For some reason guilt and shame seem to always be close at hand.) I feel guilty that I complain about things and am not grateful enough for this house and this porch.  Crazy I know.  So as I was sitting here, wrestling with my thoughts, something happened.  All of the sudden I saw this porch as a gift of love.  Yes life is hard.  Yes I am a sinner who is known for poor choices.  Yes I don't show undivided attention to God who sent Jesus to die for my sins.  Yet he loves me. GOD LOVES ME.  He sent Jesus to take upon all my guilt and he gave me this porch.  Sitting on my porch, I feel  really loved.  Shame and guilt, go play in the park because right now I am enjoying the gift from my heavenly father.  I am enjoying my porch and I am knowing that in spite of it all, I am loved.