"Little" Sinner

I participate in a weekly women's bible study. We are currently going through a study on parables. This week it is my turn to lead the lesson on the parable of the two debtors from Luke 7:36-50.  In Jesus's application of the parable to the Pharisees and the sinful women, Jesus says, "I tell you her many sins have been forgiven - for she loved much.  But he who has been forgiven little loves little."  As I read it in context with the parable told in verse 41-42, it almost appears to say that the bigger sinner can love more than the lesser sinner.  In my pride I was afraid that my little or lesser sins (as I so defined it : ) made me less able to love Jesus.  Then I recalled the truth that there is no big or little sin.  Sin is sin.   Sinners are sinners.  Romans 3:10-12, 23 reminds us of this truth. "There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless, there is no one who does good, not even one." "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  Perhaps the parable really has to do with the size of our awareness of our sin. The Pharisees's sins were just as great as the "sinful woman" but they just didn't know it.  It is easy to deceive ourselves into thinking that our sin is lesser than someone else for instance say our children.  I have been frustrated with Peter's lack of gratitude.  As I was stewing over it this evening, I saw my own lack of gratitude towards God.  I thank God for the awareness of my sin.  I do believe that as my awareness of my sin and his grace towards me increases, so does my ability to love Him as well as to love my child.

This Week's Covering

I have realized that I tend to live under the belief that if I am not actively doing something, nothing is getting done.  Last weekend, I begged God to show me whatever it was he was trying to show me through the challenges and revelations of the previous week. Since that time in addition to my work and home responsibilities, I spent 14 hours watching a detective show on Netflix, 9 hours reading two silly inspirational romances, and a lot of time consuming chocolate and other sweets.   Not exactly what I define as "actively seeking to know what God is trying to show me."  However as I appeared to be spiritually inactive, God was very active.  In  all those activities God showed me that I was running away and searching all at the same time.  This morning feeling rather defeated,  I crawled humbly to God hoping for "something". In his faithfulness he answered.

One of the scripture references in my morning devotion was Isaiah 30:15 "In repentance and rest in your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength."  This verse prompted a very long journal entry in which I repented my sins and poured out all kinds of thoughts.  God brought to my mind events and resulting thoughts that have shaped behaviors. I also claimed the promises of salvation and wrote out areas in which I was choosing to trust God's word.  Following that I opened the other journal.  This is a little book that I began last year.  I am a fan of Sarah Young's devotional, Jesus Calling and use it as a devotional prompt most mornings. I am often amazed at how personally it speaks to me. However I had a thought last year though  that I didn't want to simply hear from God through his words to another, I wanted to hear from him myself.  I am a bit self centered that way!  So I have this little book that I often pull out when I sense that God is directly speaking to me.  In response to reading and responding with writing in my journal to Isaiah 30:15, this is what I heard.

Acknowledge your sin, your feelings, your twisted thinking and skewed beliefs to me.  Rest, knowing that I have forgiven your sins.  Rest, knowing that I am pleased with you and do not condemn you. Rest, believing that I am working to purify your sins and to heal your brokenness   Rest, believing that that I love you.  Take time to still your mind.  Do not let the voices of failure and abandonment yell at you.  Come away from the noise and trust my truth. Trust that I love you. Trust that I am your defender and your protector.  Trust that I am at work even when you are not doing anything. Trust me to meet your needs. Trust me to fill the empty places.  And in that trust will be your strength to keep going, to  resist temptation and to believe when you cannot see.

Shearing

As I am just hours away from my self imposed deadline for one post a week, I am debating as what to write.  I have thought of a few "fluff" pieces that would be somewhat quick and painless.  I thought I could tell about having the First Lady of Georgia, Sandra Deal visit my preschool classroom this week to read my kids a story.  I've considered writing about my bowling escapades.  I even thought I could find a picture to post and call it done.  But I have decided that there will be no fluff pieces this week.  I am going to "shear the sheep" and present it like it is.

This week during a counseling session, my counselor gently "called me on the carpet" about a reoccurring response that appears in our sessions.  After spending some time exploring the root of that response, I left the session pleading with God to help me understand what was going on. I was really hoping for a letter of clear explanation and 5 "how to fix it" steps or possibly a miracle that would make it all disappear.  However instead there have been difficult situations, more questions, and some scattered thoughts that don't yet totally connect. Then today, I had another opportunity for someone to gently point out reoccurring relational behaviors that indicate something deeper is going on.  At one point today, I was pretty discouraged.  I was feeling emotionally sheared and a bit "laid bare".  I felt myself wanting to go into hiding.  However somewhat timidly, I poked my head back out and begged God not to stop. I want to know what he is trying to teach me. Ultimately I want to glorify God through this.  Yet I am trusting that as the Good Shepherd, God will not only use this for my good and His glory but that he will cover me through the process as well. 

"Me Time"

About a year ago, I received a pamphlet in the mail.  On the cover was the picture of a peaceful young women tossing a salad.  The caption says, "It's about time for some me time." Now doesn't that sound appealing?  What woman doesn't want some me time?  And if that isn't enough, the slightly smaller second sentence contains the highlighted words, a $50 gift card.  With an imagination quick as lightening, the words me time  and $50 gift card conjures up such visions of day spas, wonderful food, shopping and tranquil meadows. But then I read the entire second sentence.  It reads, "Get checked today, and get rewarded with a $50 gift card."  Upon opening the pamphlet, I realize that this pamphlet from my insurance provider is all about having a mammogram.  Some ingenious marketer, whom I doubt has ever had a mammogram, has come up with the notion of marketing a mammogram as me time.  And  perhaps knowing that such a notion would in reality be a hard sell, the marketing team has sweetened the deal with the promise of a $50 gift card.  I was amused and befuddled all at the same time.  Mostly I was just disappointed that my yearly mammogram was not due for another 9 months.  A $50 gift card sounded really nice. So I hung the pamphlet in my home office for humor as well as a reminder to claim my me time prize.  At last it came time to have some me time  in an awkward paper gown with a cold hard machine. But that is okay right, because I am going to get a prize.  Well considering that my place of work changed Insurance providers just a couple of months prior, the only prize I received was an "all clear" letter a couple of weeks later.  I know that such a letter is a prize that not everyone receives and therefore I am very grateful for it.  However I think that even I could have convinced myself that I had engaged in a some real me time that December afternoon, if I had received the $50 gift card!