Friday Update

So thought it was time to give a little update on the family.  

Mom has a had a tough week.  She just plain does not feel well.  We did get the doctors on Tuesday to completely take her off of what she believes to be the offending medication.  She has also seen the chiropractor two times this week to deal with chronic shoulder/arm pain that hinders her sleep.  Although these have been steps of progress, improvement is slow.  Mom says food doesn't taste good, she is tired but can't sleep and feels nauseated often.  It is tough seeing healthy and energetic mom feel so awful.  Mom's label reading indicates that the medication can be slow to leave the system and side effects can linger for months!  I have questioned if we need to contact a doctor but she wants to give it through the weekend.  Your prayers for sleep and some relief are much appreciated.

Peter's car spent a week at one mechanic waiting to be carried to another mechanic, who has indeed declared the engine needs to be replaced.  We hope this process will begin early next week.  Meanwhile, Peter is working (thanks to transportation by Mom and Lyft.) He is even walking a couple miles each day to the gym.  (Needs to keep working on his body you know.)  I spoke with his doctor yesterday, as the in person appointments continue to be delayed.  It feels like progress is delayed because we have yet to have a face to face with Dr. B.  But then who am I to say - only God knows.  Currently we have an appointment scheduled with Dr. B July 9th.  I truly hope we will be able to meet with her in person on that date. Peter is taking his meds and supplements but he is verbal about not wanting to.  Praying he will continue to stay on them without it becoming a fight.  Currently I set the medication out for him in the AM and PM.  This is not a major problem at the moment as I am not traveling much thanks to the current Pandemic.  However I am praying about some possibilities later this summer as well as come fall.  Then there is always the "what if" of my encountering the unexpected and I ended up in the hospital or jail.  I have maintained the control over meds, feeling like I needed to as to make sure he took them.  But now I am trying to figure out how to shift more responsibility to Peter so that if I am not at home, he will be in the habit of taking them.  Or I need someone besides me that could help hold him accountable.

Today begins my 9 days of summer vacation.  The Day School closes for the first week of June every year as the church is typically conducting VBS.  This is when I usually take a trip.  Mom and I were scheduled to head out in the morning to fly to Michigan for 5 days.  Needless to say that is no longer happening.  I have no plans for the week except a couple of socially distanced meet ups with a friend here and there.  While many people have been at home for 2 months or more, I have not and am excited about being home to work on little projects and maybe even be lazy every now and then. 

The Carrot Seed

This book has been one of my favorites for as long as I can remember.  My mom read it to me.  I read it to me. And now I read it to my preschool class.  It is one of my all time favorite children's books.  And I am going to tell you why.

First of all, I have learned through the help of  Mr.Wikipedia that this book was written in 1945 by Ruth Krauss and illustrated by her husband Crockett Johnson (author of Harold and the Purple Crayon.)  It boast of a mere 101 words and has drawing so simplistic that even I was able to trace onto overhead to make an overhead story out of it.  It is 85 years old and has remained in continuous publication.  And like I said, it's my favorite.  Why you ask? 

This book, though at first glance  a simple story about a boy planting a carrot seed, is really a book about so much more.  It is about hope, faith, perseverance and reward.  To sum it up, a little boy plants a seed and cares for it daily by watering and pulling weeds.  Time passes and it appears nothing is happening.  The people around him prepare him for failure by telling him it won't grow.  The boy doesn't listen and keeps watering and pulling weeds.  And one day out pops a carrot, a VERY big carrot!

Every spring at preschool I pull out this book, along with my overhead drawings and my torn paper carrot art project to share with my kids.  And every year God uses it to encourage me.  Crazy huh, how  God would use a 101 word children's book about a carrot seed to speak encouragement.  As I share this story with my three and four year old friends, I often have to fight back the emotions.

You see, carrot seeds are tiny.  Some years we plant them in conjunction with this story.  They really don't look like they will amount to anything.  Add to that, the fact that they can take up to three weeks to germinate, planting and caring for carrot seeds can appear like a waste of time and a disappointment in the making.  And yet when tended to and patiently wait for, a carrot can form from that tiny seed in its perfect timing.

Life is full of carrot seeds.  Those things which we start and tend to, believing God will bring to fruitfulness.  And it requires nurturing from watering and removing weeds during a time where it looks like NOTHING is happening. And whether it be actual people, ones fears or the words of the enemy, there is usually a whispering in one's ears that it is a waste of time that will result in disappointment.  Did I mention that there is a lot of waiting without activity.  It requires hope and faith in the creator of the seed along with perseverance to continue tending even when nothing appears to be happening. And yet in the end of the story, it happens.  Fruitfulness revealed, bigger than one would ever imagine.

Here's to watering, pulling weeds, and not letting the voices convince you to stop as you tend to your carrot seeds.

What Can I Say

So I am determined to post a little progress report here but struggled with a title.  What can I say but we just keep moving forward.  Mom is still dealing with the side effect symptoms thought says maybe it is slightly better.  She still is having the head in a tunnel feeling, fatigue, nausea and awful smell/taste.  She has also been struggling with being able to sleep.  It is been ongoing prior to this due to shoulder pain and restless legs.  But it is all an intertwining loop of not sleeping and not feeling well which just seems to make it all worse.  We continue to hope that side effects minimize as the medication dosage reduces in her system. 

Peter's car was determined by the mechanic this past Wednesday to most likely have thrown a bearing requiring it to be seen by the mechanic shop that specializes in engines.  They can't see his car to even figure out what is wrong (and if it will require a new engine) until this coming Wednesday.  Meanwhile Lyft and I are trying to help Peter keep his commitment to be at work Wednesday through Sundays  Peter is not covered by insurance on my car and not allowed to drive it.  When he asked about driving Mama Millie's vehicle, I said no.  Some things are a no brainier.  We have been through Peter being car less a good bit over the past several years so I am easily getting back into the swing of being his chauffeur.  It does give me more access to him and if he is in the mood to hear what he is thinking.   I am not going to lie, dealing with Peter is wearing.  I am constantly bracing myself because I just don't know what I am going to get with each encounter.  This coming week he has a couple of appointments, one with the therapist and one with the doctor.  I hope they take place with anticipation that they could be helpful. 

Tuesday Update

So just a little quick update.

Mom had a virtual doctors appointment this afternoon with a nurse practitioner. The NP was very kind and was willing to begin tonight the tapering down of the troublesome medication mom is on to a very small amount in the next week.  And she has mom set up to meet with her heart doctor (whom mom likes) in 3 weeks to discuss if it can be removed all together.  That was good news and we are hopeful mom will start to feeling better and more like herself real soon.

As I was wrapping up with mom and her video appointment, Peter called.  His car was broken down on the side of the highway halfway between home and downtown Atlanta. We got AAA called and I headed down to pick him up.  Surprisingly enough he was in a good mood and rather chatty.  His car was towed to a trusted mechanic and hopefully in the next couple of days, we will know the state of his car and it's needs.

I want to be respectful of Peter and his diagnosed disability.  There are things I would love to say but question whether it is respectful of Peter to do so.  But it is a crazy disease. (No pun intended really.) It really is hard to wrap one's head around it.  It can lead one to do disastrous things yet can also bring out a light and humorous side. And honestly sometimes you just don't know what you are going to get.  I will share one story that comes from the lighter side of life with Peter.

Peter has decided to become a model.  He is working diligently on losing some recently added weight and buffing up. He hired some acquaintance to do a photo shoot for him today.  He plans to work on his physique this summer , do another photo shoot and start his career in the Fall.  He wants to model for Calvin Klein.  And oh yeah he is going to model underwear.  That explains why he walks around the house in his underwear stopping every so often to check himself out in the mirror.  I guess it could be worse,  He could want to model women's underwear.  He did ask me if I had any heals, like 4 inch ones.  I told him 3 1/2 was as high as I go.  And then I asked if he wanted to borrow them.  He rolled his eyes at me so guessing that was a no.

The Disclaimer

I feel the need to address the nature of this blog, Looking For Yonder

This blog has two functions.  For one it is a place to share info on my family.  I am so grateful for loving and caring friends who are interested as well as praying for the things going on in my life and family.  This blog allows me a place to mass communicate when individual text, calls or e-mails are too much.  These post can be random based on the circumstance at hand.  They may be daily, weekly or  less frequent.  That is why I recommend going to the very bottom of the page and signing up under the Follow by Email so you receive the post in your e-mail box if you want to follow our on-going saga.

The other purpose is it provides me with a place to process thoughts, events etc. and some of you kind souls keep telling me that you like reading them.  Personally it feels self-centered and too much info.  Goodness know there is not a lack of things out there to read as blogs abound on the world wide web.  But because it does help me with direction to write my thoughts "to someone" and some people say they like to read it, I am using this blog as my place for processing.  I like to write but find it requires a lot of energy and focused thought.  Sometime its just harder to make that happen so it is not regular in its publication.

Because these are written to friends for my personal therapeutic value and not to a broad critical audience here are a few disclaimers:

• There will be bad grammar.
• There will be missed punctuation.
• There will be misspelling (hopefully less thanks to spell check.)
• There may be whining.
• There may be contradictions in what I say in a post on one day verses another day.
• There may be a reflection more of feeling than of truth,
• There may be some exaggerations.
• There may be things that you do not agree with.
• There may be embarrassing conversation or controversial thought.
• There may be things that are superficial and ridiculous.
• But God as my help, may there always be a glimmer of hope, humor and gratitude.

The update

So this is just a little update on my people.

Mom has not had a great week.  Of course as many of us our doing  presently, every symptom is being weighed against a list from the CDC to determine if its Covid 19.  After comparisons, discussions and even a call to the Doctor's office, mom is pretty sure what she is dealing with is the miserable side effects of the heart medication she was sent home with from the Hospital.  The Doctors office reassured her to NOT discontinue taking it so she remains faithful to it.  This coming Tuesday she has a video appointment with a Nurse Practitioner at the Heart Doctor's office and Mom is going to stress the need for a medication change.  The hospital doctor told her this was a harsh medication and not one she was to be on long term.  We are anxious for them to get her off of it and something without the side effects that make Mom feel so yucky.  I am grateful for her many birds and flowers in the backyard that give her joy in spite of not feeling like herself.

Peter is completing week number two of working steady hours Wednesday through Sunday at Texas Roadhouse and as far as I know its going okay.  He received some unemployment for some previous weeks this past week which was an encouragement to him.  His funds were depleted!  He did not get up in time for his Therapy video appointment this past week, in spite of all my efforts.  In my brief conversation with the therapist, it sounds like Peter is not offering a lot of info for the therapist to work with.  The therapist suggested that a Psychological exam (a 6 to 8 hour endeavor with a Psychologist ) would be helpful to confirm diagnosis and give him as a therapist more direction.  He made it sound like it was something I would need to kind of go in search of as well as get Peter to agree to.  Peter continues to take the anti-psychotic drug but is giving a bit of push back on the supplements.  His behavior to me is mostly cold unless he needs/wants something.  The anti-psychotics appear to keep the big crazy (voices etc) at bay but by following his Facebook post and a few things he has said, his mental stability feels a bit precarious.  The medicine has led to weight gain and it is a real struggle for Peter.  He doesn't like the way he looks but the medication increases carb cravings.  I do have concerns that he will stop taking the anti-psychotic because he blames it for the weight gain.  To sum it up living with Peter is like watching an acrobat attempt gravity defying feats, you hold your breath anticipating a fall.

As for me, work continues.  I am so grateful the preschool never did close and I have remained employed.  Low numbers have given me the flexibility I have needed for family matters yet going to work each day has helped provide me with routine and structure.  Our number of children is slowly increasing and we are preparing for summer.  I love my school kids and am grateful so see some of them getting to come back. 

Oops - forgot to follow up

Forgive me for the delay.  I wrote a draft with plans to finish later and forgot to go back to it.  Just a quick update to answer questions .

Mom came home from the hospital Wednesday morning.  The side effects from the new medicine  or perhaps anesthesia have her feeling not normal. She is being cautious, staying home and taking things step by step yet grateful for a regular and steady heartbeat. Thank you for prayers and kind notes. 

Peter has gone back to working at Texas Roadhouse.  So glad for him to have something purposeful to do.  Though not overly chatty he does seem glad to be back at work in a familiar environment with familiar people.  As you know there are new worries to replace the old.  His safety (and how it also effects me) in a Pandemic as well as his overall functionality mentally, emotionally etc.

Again so grateful to all of you. Your support and prayers are invaluable.  I have other rambling thoughts but they will have to wait as I have hills to run and yards to work in.  May you have a blessed day (or night.)  I know that there is often a delay as to when this reaches peoples inbox!

Quick Tuesday Evening Update

I have not talked with Mom today which feels strange.  But this is what I have learned.  With another medication change mom's heart went back into a normal sinus rhythm so that no heart scope or other procedures were needed.  They did stretch her esophagus as planned because she has had increased swallowing issues.  This procedure evidently lead to some nausea therefore between mom's normal tendency to come out of anesthesia slowly and the nausea medication she has been real sleepy today.  Her throat also is sore (such she relayed in a text.) Both nursers I have talked to have assured me she is doing well.  Her heart has a normal rhythm and other than being sleepy she is not complaining.  One nurse told me she was wonderful. I wanted to say I know she is wonderful but does she need anything and is she feeling okay.  There are good chances if her heart maintains its rhythm she will go home tomorrow but there  are no details or confirmation regarding that yet.  Thank you  so much for your prayers and checking in on us.

The big hallelujah is Peter told me Texas Roadhouse called him back to work.  They have schedule him 30 hours this week and he will work late afternoons getting off early evening.  This is such a relief.  He had spent all his money and I felt like he was now working on spending mine!  But even more so, he needed purpose and people.  He loved his job at Texas Roadhouse and a lot of it  had to do with the people.  There are some people there that know him (and pieces of his most recent story) so it feels like it might be a safe (at least emotionally) place for him.  The schedule is good for him because of his medication etc.  Of course there are concerns with him working so in the public due to the Corona virus.  However I am trusting they will instill in him taking precautions at work and I will follow him around the house with a Lysol can when he is at home.  And I will pray!!!

Feeling some relief from the storm this evening.  So grateful for all the prayers and kindness.

Monday Mom Update

So Mom did not have the planned procedures today. The anesthesiologist was uncomfortable putting mom under today with her heart in its current state.  I not sure if it was blood pressure, pulse or other specific that was the issue. The plans are layering as far as I understand it.  First she is to have her esophagus stretched to allow for the next procedure which is a scope  down the esophagus to look at the heart.  And the results of that would determine what steps would be taken next.  

Mom was put on another combination of meds in hopes of getting her to a safer place to have the procedures start tomorrow.  Mom hasn't slept well the past couple of nights.  Due to the Corona virus, he food has to be served in Styrofoam.  (When they don't forget to bring her a meal that is  That has happened twice.)  Mom says the food is typically cold.  Mom is empathetic to the situation the virus has put the workers and doesn't blame anyone.  But I think all of these things are getting a bit old and wearing.  Today she was cranky - her words not mine.

Thank you for praying for mom.  I will try to update here tomorrow.  I am touched by the kindness of our friends.  Thank you so much for your concern and prayers.

Gift Return

Remember how I said  we were to consider the trials and difficulties as a gift? 

I am seeing Corona Virus as a gift.  Just to name one thing, I am an introvert who loves home. I get to spend Sundays at home watching sermons and crafting instead of going here and there.  I really like sheltering in place Sundays!!

I can accept Mom's hospitalization as a gift.  She is not in pain and seems to be in good spirits.

I am embracing a broken heart and being single as a real gift.  I can barely keep up with my drama why would I want someone elses.

But that "My son has schizophrenia,"  well I would like to return that one.  Does anyone know where I can return that gift?

In honesty I know things could be so much worse.  He is taking medication without complaint and  functioning without crazy.  It has just added a cloud of stress over the house.  I struggle not to worry over multiple things regarding him.  I am struggling to count it all joy.

With all that said, please pray:

• Mom has multiple procedures scheduled for tomorrow- Monday May 4th.  Pray for the doctors to have wisdom and Mom to be a peace throughout.

• Peter needs some kind of work or job.  He needs it for financial reasons but I believe also for him to have some purpose and schedule.  I am also asking God to send people who will speak truth, kindness and mercy to him.  He seems so alone and lost.  

• And pray that I will have a big picture, eternal perspective so that I can count it all joy and consider it a gift.