The Roller Coaster

Here is a link to one of my favorite videos that I watch with the kids at school.  It is a roller coaster ride and we sing this little chant,
"I love this roller coaster,
You love this roller coaster,
I AM READY!!!"

I love this Roller Coaster

It's catchy and fun but the truth is ......

I DON'T LIKE ROLLER COASTERS AND I WAS NOT READY FOR THIS ONE!!!!

The past month has felt like a roller coaster of emotions. Between Peter's mental breakdown, his week plus in a mental hospital, the three weeks he has been home since and oh yeah a Pandemic threatening health, finances and normalcy,I have gone up and down between fear, hope, devastation, joy, exhaustion and so on.  My guess is since this pandemic effects the world, although each individual story is different, I am probably not alone.

I had intended to share more but confess at the moment I am struggling to put my thoughts together in a cohesive manner.  So I am going to stick with the tried and true format of telling you what I am grateful for and what weighs me down.

Grateful for:

• Peter was fairly needy the first couple of weeks he was home and this led us to some good bonding time.  Though it is shifting again I am grateful for the conversations and "sweetness."
• The shut down on the world around us has been a protection for Peter.  He has not been scheduled at his Resturant job.
• Peter is willingly taking the supplements prescribed by Ricardo and we will be at his full dose in a couple of days.
• The Psychiatrist appointment Peter was refusing to go to has turned into a TeleHelp Phone appointment making it easier for me to get him to the appointment tomorrow Wed April 1 at 12:30.
• My work has continued but hours decreased to 30 a week.  Grateful to still have a job yet also grateful for the extra time  to help Mom and Peter
• Grateful for a Pandemic in Spring.  Though so many things have been canceled, the tree's budding, flowers blooming and birds building nest has not been canceled.
• Grateful for good weather and time to help Mom with her outside projects.
• Grateful to the friend who came to help Peter with his bike and neighbors who have offered Peter friendship and me support.
• There is realistic hope that I will continue to work and be paid this coming month.
• The reduction in children at school has let me take on several cleaning out and organizing task that I really enjoy.
• Mom is in good health and spirits.  

What concerns me:

• Peter has applied for a job at Kroger (grocery store) where he has worked in the past.  Though a job would be good for him in many ways - he goes stir crazy at home and needs money - he would be in the midst of virus contamination as well as I have concerns for his mental stability.  He is to talk with the store tomorrow.  Though I have reminded him, my concern is he will use going to the store to evade his Psych appointment.
• My prayer is he will fully participate in this Psych appointment and it will be beneficial to him.
• If what Peter needs at this time is more medication, a good fit will be found and he will be willing to take it.
• I am seeing some things behavior wise that are just slightly concerning - but honestly I am not sure what is normal or true Peter.  Medication changed him but not sure if that was real Peter either.  I ask for discernment and wisdom in interacting with Peter.
• Riding on the teeter totter of faith in Jesus as healer and our use of a natural approach verses what if God has other plans and another breakdown is coming - while the world is in quarantine. 
• With concern yet with much discussion, up unto this point Peter and I have been spending time at mom's who has been pretty good about staying quarantined.  I am at the point I believe we need to stay away.  Especially Peter who has spent a lot of time there and may become more of a risk if he works in a grocery store.  I pray for him to see the need to stay away and not take it as rejection.  And that mom will remain healthy.
• We need to tackle Peter's medical bills - and I just don't want to do it.  
• I along with most of you have financial concerns due to the current state of affairs.
• Easter in isolation???? Struggling to wrap my head around it.

I feel funny in some ways sharing all this with you.  Pretty much everyone right now is in crisis. We are probably all on the roller coaster. Mine is not special I know, perhaps just different  But this is what I know.  God cares about my stuff in the very same way he does yours.  It helps me to write it down.  There are many who are gifted intercessors who pray and my sharing this list allows others who are so let to know how to pray. Besides many of you ask about how we are (for which I so appreciate) and this gives me a place to share it.  

I may not be a fan of the emotional roller coaster I find myself on.  BUT how I feel does not change what is true. God is good.  All the Time.  And I can trust in that even when I feel like I am in the middle of loop de loop and I am going to hurl.

Peter - A New Chapter

A few months ago, I kept feeling like I should revive my blog.  I had occasional thoughts and stories that I thought it might be fun to share.  (Not that people really need anything else to read on the internet!)   So I did some playing around and found my blog was still active however I have not taken time to write anything.  Three weeks ago life took a turn and I decided it would be a good platform for interested friends to stay informed as well as a place for me to track our latest story.  The three weeks have been full in many ways and I am not sure I have the where-with-all to tell the story in full at this point.  So I am going to try to convey the essence of it sort of cliff notes style .

March 1st, Peter was texting me with some strange text demonstrating paranoia and anxiety.  I found him at a local restaurant after he called for me to come get him.  His behavior was strange and I learned he had quit his job (the job he loved!).  Long story short he walked home where I was then waiting for him.  When he came home he was "normal and apologetic" and headed back to see if he could get his job back.  He spent the day with his best friend Abe.  By evening his friend communicated his concern that Peter needed professional help.  Monday morning Peter appeared at my school and I could tell he was not in his typical state.  I took off work and began the search for help.  Again to make it short, Peter was up and down during the day.  At 7 PM he left his car on a sidewalk several blocks away, walked home in the rain, handed me his keys & phone then asked me to take him to a mental hospital.

I took him to the local emergency room.  He was level up until the end of the registration process when I could see him turn, the paranoia had returned.  I was actually grateful that it was evident to the staff.  He was taken to a exam room and I was sent the other direction.  I had one visit with him that night and again the next morning at the ER holding room before he was transferred to Laurelwood . The first visit was painful to watch as security had to help sedate him and the second was delightful as the meds had him talkative yet very real. Laurelwood is our local mental inpatient health facility, next to the hospital and a mere 1 mile from my house.

Peter spent 10 days there. He was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.  I spoke with him most days and saw him twice.  They got him leveled out via meds.  He was given a Haldal shot 2 weeks ago which is to have a 30 day effect. They also prescribed oral Haldal and a med for the side effects  A couple of days before he was released he started refusing to take oral medication. He did not like the side effects. However he was level enough for them to release him, so they did on March 12th.

The medication has awful side effects.  Though he is not angry and paranoid etc, he resembled a patient with Parkinson - He moved so slow. He was drooling and still struggles to eat (we have lots of Ensure and soup),  He is restless, best soothed by riding in the car or going for a walk.  He can't  concentrate and when he can't veg out with TV and his phone you know things aren't normal.  BUT he has been sweet and we have spent lots of time together that has been somewhat bonding. He did start taking the prescribed meds (Cogenta) for the side effects but it tends to make him sleepy.  So he sleeps a lot.

There have been frustrations with trying to get help regarding the medicine side effects outside of  his stay at Laurelwood  Though they set him up with follow up appointments, there was confusion as to what was set up thus we did not get the help we needed on the following Monday from release.  They sent us to ER (yes in the midst of a pandemic) when I complained about the trouble with the side effects.  The doctor gave him benadryl. Someone could have told me that on the phone.  When you leave the mental hospital, there is no case worker/manager that goes with you. Thus I feel the responsibility of that role currently.

I believe God orchestrated for me to find the Naturopath who put my sarcadoid skin autoimmune disease into remission several years ago.  He had left the office I had seen him at and I no longer had contact.  A couple of months ago I was talking to someone at church who knew where he was and was able to give me his contact.  The day Peter came home from Laurelwood - drugged on meds and declaring he would not take more medications, I reached out to my Naturopath Ricardo asking if he had any knowledge of natural medicine and mental illness or someone who worked in that arena.  Within a few hours we were on the phone.  He at this moment is working on an Integrative Medicine degree (in addition multiple degrees he already has) via George Washington Univ.  He said they are studying this very topic as well as he has had experience.  Due to a cancellation (thanks Coronavirus) we met with him this past Wednesday.  Peter though hesitant has been willing to meet with him and follow his protocol.  Ricardo was excited - said Peter has good physical health and his findings with the brain etc. was really a best case scenario.  Peter is taking specific supplements with the hope and expectation that it will treat the problem (inflammation of the brain) and not simply the symptoms (which is what medication does.)

Now I imagine this is where many people shake there head and worry.  I get it. I am choosing not to go with the flow on this one but believe there is more than simply surviving this diagnosis.   I have many concerns, don't get me wrong but I also have hope. I am asking God for miracles.  It is what I have been doing for 17 years regarding Peter.  I have hope in healing.  I realize that it doesn't take away Peter's other issues - there are many - but I am hopeful that Peter will not have to be defined by a disease of the brain.

So this is what I ask of my friends.  If you are worried about me and my naivety, pray.  You don't need to tell me your concerns for my thinking.  I can guess. If God gives you an encouraging word for me I want to hear it.  If God gives you something for me whatever the nature and he won't let you sleep until you share, by all means please do share.  But if you aren't sure it is from God, I am really okay not hearing about your fears for me or your stories of that person you know with schizophrenia. Thank you for not being offended by this paragraph.

This is a tough season for us, then add to it the world is in the midst of a Pandemic.  None the less there are many things for which I am grateful:

• Gods protection of Peter physically.
• Peter came and asked me to get him help.
• The kind care Peter received at Laurelwood
• My finding Ricardo and the hope and care he has given.
• A pandemic that has shut down much of my extracurricular so I am available to Peter.
• The sweet conversations we are having in this season of calm.
• Unexpected money covering Peter's car insurance in absence of him working

I do covet your prayers!!!!  Here are some things I am worrying about or praying for.  Perhaps God will draw you to join me in some of these.

• Though willing to participate in the holistic protocol and to attend therapy, currently Peter is unwilling to attend the April 1st psychiatrist appointment for fear of another shot. He is refusing more medication. Trusting Ricardo's protocol does what we hope, it is not short acting.  The current shot in his system will pretty surely run its course before the supplements can take effect.  Another mental break is likely coming. 
• Peter's spiritual beliefs tend to rock back in forth.  Though he has gone from not believing in God to professing Jesus during the past few weeks, evidence shows he is still very much trusting in self.  Though he finds solace in Christian music he typically does not want to discuss his faith or spiritual things.  I believe God is after his heart and is pursuing.  My mother heart worries what more it will take for Peter to relinquish control. 
• There are so many things to work through - medical bills, navigating school and his possible withdrawal, finding a therapist that is a good fit, dealing with an existing car insurance issue, deciding if I should help him pursue disability.  Peter is doing better from the side effects but there are many of these things I really don't think he can handle on his own.
• Peter is needy.  I am tired.  And sometimes I don't know what is a legit need and what is me enabling or being sucked in to doing things he can.
• That's the starting point - my head circles with many other concerns and you probably have some of your own.

I have heard many stories.  Seems like most people I tell our story too know someone with schizophrenia.  Most of the stories do not encourage me.  They fill me more with sadness than hope.  I am not ready to visit the NAMI (National Association of Mental Illness) meetings yet.  Some of it is probably denial but honestly right now I just can't handle it.  Some of it is hope and faith - believing God has great plans for Peter.  If his plans are not mine then I will deal with it later.  Right now I am asking for miracles.  I am believing God can and asking that he will.  Lord help my unbelief.